A lot. A lot a lot. Now double that. Now triple that.
It’s actually termed—-for a man—-skoliosexual. And it’s very, very, very prevalent.
I would go as high as 1/3 of all men, no matter sexuality, have some wavering/wanderings/curiosities in their sexuality to including more than simplistic, narrow titling and expectations of gay, straight or bi.
But don’t despair the numbers are about 70–80% of all males have had some sort of same sex sexual interaction from childhood to adulthood one or multiple times.
Experimentation and exploration of Sexuality is not unusual for humans throughout all history , what is unusual is widely dispersed discussion and information dispersal about it.
Two things have changed this:
- More out visible trans folk.
I was just watching a VICE short video report on LGBTQSGL folk in Uganda/Kenya. It’s a scene! But what adds more to the scene of them having to have a secret commune home while some wait to expatriate to countries without lynching being a supported action—-is how they dress up in private. Dresses, wigs, make-up the whole thing. Maybe in public they get away with shoes/boots with higher heels but it’s very hush-hush and never when going to official government spot—-even immigration for a Visa/refugee exit form based upon being LGBTQSGL. They still butch it up.
But I throw this image/short film out there because a whole mountainous area the slightly attractive reporter avoided asking the trans folk was—-were they virgins? How was the dating/sex scene there? Did the trans folk flirt outrageously with the slightly handsome reporter? Did he flirt back?
I bring that correlation back to my personal life/professional work in the LGBTQSGL space here in America as a Youth Coordinator, running workshops for thousands of men and the exploration of discussions with some of the seemingly “gay” or title unidentified men and several openly in the group discussing their interests in trans folk. A good third of the not-hetero men had experiences, interests, deep commitments to it and a goodly number, maybe another 25% were experimenting themselves with their gender identity beyond simply gay.
2. What Is Trans? What is Gay? (We kind of all know what Straight is.)
Our societal parameters on sexuality, non-heterosexuality, are based upon a form of counter argument/positionality to heterosexuality. We then align gay/lesbian/bisexuality to same sex, non-heterosexuality. But then where does that put trans on the spectrum? There is even the argument that it is its’ own spectrum. The inclusion of T to LGBTQSGL is really because all of those identity markers are non-hetero—-and they all got clumped into the same moniker. It doesn’t mean though that all of those terms clumped together are the same or representative of everyone who is non-heterosexual. It just means that all those monikers are non-heterosexual.
What this then doesn’t account for is a clear definition of what heterosexual is and what makes something non-heterosexuality. By that I mean the propensity for humans to treat non-heterosexuality like a virus. If you did it once, you’ve caught “it” and are now forever it. Which, as stigma, is a large part of why people, men and women, believe that there are far more hetero folk than there are. Because no one wants to get publicly outed as having the non-hetero flu.
We define heterosexuality as same sex engagement and preference. But the struggle now—-like a bold new frontier is that Identity—-like a 20th century USS Enterprise is going into bold new, unexplored spaces. The unexplored spaces are self-definition.
Self-definition is not something new to humanity but the dimensions it defines, explains, unravels and examines are. Or are so for a mass of people, or available to all masses of people.
Bluntly, people can now identify, self identify what they are, want and feel and what they want to do with those three elements.
3. What then is Sex, Gender and Sexuality?
Sex is what you biologically are—male, female, intersex, etc.. There are technically 20+ definitions because Nature likes to keep it shaken up. You can be some of this, less of that, more of that, much more of that—-and our bodies/sex organs sometimes have to reach puberty-maturity before Sex can be determined or pushed one way or the other with surgery. There is of course numerous examples of folk whose parents and doctors chose to push one Sex and they were the other, internally.
Gender would be how we as society both perceive someone based upon actions/characteristics and how the person internally identities. So in our above point—-a person could biologically be male and be perceived and trained by society in a masculine context BUT internally identify as female or “non-male”.
Sexuality is what you do with your rubber parts, what you like done with them and who you like to do them and how you perceive that person who is doing the do with you and your rubber parts. This expansive and grey area is where this all gets confusing because a man (sex) who identifies as male (Gender) make like a female (Sex biologically male) who is presenting as a female (Gender) but he wants said presenting female to penetrate him anally with “her” penis.
(Now imagine being the workshop facilitator to dozens of men in a room when this question/idea is floated.)
What always tickled at the back of my noggin was I know what we use as a moniker for the female in the entanglement—transgender to transsexuals—-depending on how far the female person has gone to change the perception of how we all see and react to her in dress, mannerisms and actions and/or transitioning to transsexual because the female person not only externally presents BUT also has taken psychological (psychiatric counseling) and/or medical (hormone) treatments and/or prepared for sexual reassignment surgery.
The man’s term then is skoliosexual.
4. How many men are skoliosexuals and why?
As I said earlier it’s probably about 1/3 of all men, throughout the spectrum of Sex and Genders that men can do where they are the males in the arrangement.
In the men that were skoliosexuals in my workshops they were not adverse to sex/relationships with men (Sex) who presented as male (Gender), therefore it being an expression of bisexuality or homosexuality (Sexuality). But their preferences were closer to preferring men (Sex) who were more effeminate in the Gender presentation. Some of the effeminate men that they liked, enjoyed, dated, would then perhaps be or be open to exploring being transgenders. It was sort of if you hang around candy stores, you’ll eventually get some of the kind of candy you like.
Yes, perhaps these men were always something akin to but not directly homosexual/bisexual but again all sexualities are measured against-in comparison to heterosexuality. Think of it like heterosexuality is Six Feet Tall. Every other Sexuality is measured as shorter or taller THAN heterosexuality. Rather than other Sexualities being measured for their own intrinsic elements—-Seven Feet Tall, Five Feet Tall, etc..
(Again, I offer that we consider what it’s like for me to have to on the spot navigate, counsel and explain this in front of a group of men. lol)
What I will offer then is that the skoliosexuals in the room and the transgender (let’s leave it squarely there for the moment) did not identify as simplistically bi or gay or even straight/hetero.
And if you look at our general humanity identifiers of Sex, Gender and Sexuality (at least 50–75% of people not being able to distinguish the three by verbal definition—-I spend a lot of time in workshops explaining this to people as people use, particularly Sex and Gender, incorrectly interchangeably) being confused then the question becomes better—-can the confused identify themselves? And perhaps, those who do identify themselves are blossoming out of a mass human confusion about Self and Identity?
What I mean by that is, we are all offered by the world—-family, others, church's, government , partners, children—-what we are or “should” be. What we, now in the beginning of the renaissance age about is Self—-perhaps this being the Information Age—-the next one will be the Self Age (or Biology or Entrepreneurial—-or some meshing of the three words, are learning to navigate and socially incorporate.
Deeper—-historically in humanity—-Sexuality was simplistically action, now it is no longer the totality of Identity but it is an interchangeable element. And where Sexuality goes so does Sex and Gender.
By those three contextualizations—-the best we have so far to identity a human being in some basic ways—-becoming flexible, people, pointedly to this question, men, are becoming more flexible with their Self definition.
5. What’s in it for the skoliosexual besides the sex?
Well, yes, a lot of it is about the sex (and most times freedom of intimacy).
But what I’ll offer as an insight to non-hetero men and even hetero men, that Sexuality and sexual acts are one of the last frontiers of “adventure” for men. Yes, there are parts of the world that aren’t easily explored but for the normal dude in China or India or America or Europe or Africa—-he’s not going to climb a mountain, or battle wildebeest. What he can do though is experiment with his sole possession—-his Body/Self-Identity.
Illustrative to this I’ll point out public bathrooms, bath houses, car rest stops, night clubs, back of adult bookstores, truck stops, etc. cruising, intense short term sex spots for men or all sexualities but primarily gravitating to couple with other men, lots of men, no matter their avowed or public Sex and Gender and Sexuality—-are attracted to the taboo, the secretive, the transgressiveness of “other” kinds of sex.
Because there’ so little adventure perhaps in other areas of their lives or in their sex lives themselves. (I’m not saying heterosexuality is boring but no one is cruising a park late at night because that’s where the girls are at who just love to give blowjobs in the bushes). Heterosexuality for all of its fame is frankly, conservative and narrow, in many ways. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps—-I’ll throw this out—- that’s where cheating/lying about extra sexual contact outside of hetero partnering's is so prevalent—-for the risk, the excitement, the taboo—-associated with the sex act itself.
Which leans us in deeply to why a third of all men, no matter Sexuality, fool around on the skoliosexual spectrum. Once you’ve had your brand of Sexuality expression for multiple years, men tend to crave variety—-now how that variety is expressed and what is sought out to satisfy the interest in where we get into dangerous/public spaces, anonymous sex, cheating, bisexuality, closeted sexualities, and yes, messing with the contextualizations of Sex, Gender and Sexuality.
You can then be a seemingly male man with a woman—-the societally rewarded by patriarchy framework of manhood—-who is not a female (Sex) sometimes even publicly but definitely within your own mindscape/social interactions. You can experience the taboo in a way that some, or most of your Gender perceptions can accept or allow, you to ease yourself to the point of enjoying, partaking of, having the inclusion of another penis.
Also if we were to stretch and regard a transgender/sexual person as a hybrid of Sex and Gender then we can also see how a trans person is both socially safe but sexually taboo to not only the man/s or skoliosexual’s mentality but also to his Self perception of Sexuality. he can still be heterosexual. Or homosexual. Or even bisexual and enjoy/experience and experimenting in skoliosexual land.
Which brings us to the fact that skoliosexuality———-new in pathology definition around sexuality to most of society—-is just that, a new land to explore.
Self & Identity are then becoming this, a Venn Diagrammable context.
With multiple related intersectionalities.
Which is why the context of heterosexuality or others being replicants of comparative hetero structures so simplistic and unable to completely understand the broad expansiveness and complexities of Sex, gender and Sexuality defined by the individual not the state or church or family or even history.
The revolution is not televised but transmitted in examplings to everyone by cyber and about Self and Sexual.
I would offer that it, any thing non-heterosexuality, has always existed.
BUT
The invention and expansion of the internet has drastically and continues to exponentially multiply stoking the flames of curiosity and experimentation for millions of people. In another 25 years when we can look at three generations—before, with and completely immersed in the internet—-we’ll see the affect and effects more dramatically.
********(And I used the picture of a White dude because if we really go super deep into this, White men, as a positionality in a racial hierarchical and patriarchal are exploring this much more. But my workshops were mainly Black and Latino men. However, the population is 5x to 6x more White's than Blacks/Latinos in America…………so you do the skoliosexual math. lol)
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Kyle Phoenix is a teacher, certified adult educator, sexologist, sex coach and sexuality educator with over two decades of intensive experience. He studied at the University at Buffalo, SUNY, New York University, and Columbia University. He has worked, consulted and taught individuals and focused professional developments for the CDC, Department of Education, Gay Men's Health Crisis, New York City Department of Health, non-profits, Fortune 500 companies and unions. He began his career facilitating on-campus workshops addressing a wide range of sexuality and sexual health issues and then moved on to teaching at universities, non-profits, private groups and clients, hosting The Kyle Phoenix Show on television and multiple online webinars, including YouTube and Sclipo and writing extensively through his blog, Special Reports, articles and other print and E books in the Kyle Phoenix Series on relationships, finance, education, spirituality and culture. He lives in New York with his family.
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