Relationships: Why You Really Prefer/Fetishize Fats and Fems And Really Don't...At The Same Time by Kyle Phoenix

The delight of humanity is it's diversity in form, in thought, in action and in innovation.  This of course extends over into categories of gender and sexuality and MSM.  There comes a point though when preferences and fetishization are in the way of intimacy.  A preference is something you would choose in optimum circumstances but it should be understood that this won't always be the reality.  I might go to a restaurant and prefer to have lamb but they don't serve lamb so instead I choose to go with the veal.  Not getting one's preference isn't settling, it's simply choosing something else and allowing that choice to shine and win you over.  Flexibility of choice in one's life is where happiness and power lie. 

Fetishization on the other hand is a very specific set of conditions or circumstances that have to exist for a person to feel satisfied.  A fetish might be a preference to wearing leather when going out but I can't wear it everyday to work, so I'm pushing down my true desire for clothing that is more socially acceptable.  I might even eventually shift my life to accommodate my fetish.  Think of it this way your fetish doesn't allow (or tries not to) anything to get in it's way.  A preference understands that it's a perfect storm choice.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

The obsession with perfect gym bodies and hyper masculinity has been fetishized though it's spoken of as a preference.  The vast number of MSM who are alone fall into two distinct categories in my experiences around this.  

• Men who want a perfect specimen and themselves are perfect specimens but lack emotional and manhood character skills and tools to to negotiate obtaining such a relationship.  
• Men who have disregarded the information of mirrors and assumed their desire for perfect looking homosexual men is a preference and should be met.

Leftover are the rest of MSM who instead take a case by case basis and measure on the lines of character and understanding that people vary in their body types and sizes.  Interestingly enough our human predilection for attraction and categorization for partners based on body type is really a reproductive section of healthy hunting ability and child production.  I often have to remind men in workshops that just because their sexuality is not/not exclusively heterosexual it doesn't put them outside the realm of human biological and social forces/compulsions.  Actually what I think is happening from relationship confusion all the way to men willingly infecting other men with HIV is the biological animal at war with the societal mismatch of sexual identity roles and place.  That's a show/blog for another time to explore and unpack.

But on to men who like fat asses.

Suddenly two forces are confronting MSM that are somewhat biology based and society based.  There are more men who are not slim, trim absolute natural weight men because of greater food storage and production capabilities introducing the ability to be obese.  Or at least heavy.  In order to de-mark the difference between heavy and obese, I'm going to have to give a general range.  On the Body Mass Index scale, there's the approximate number of where a man's weight/height and BMI coincide.  As you can see by the chart below red is obese, yellow overweight and white in the healthiest range.

We have to remember two factors both positive and negative.  One this is general human male charting so it doesn't take into account how culture and ethnicity effect how one may've used one's body or is taught to sustain it.  Two, being in the red range no matter how cute you feel or think you look is still more dangerous than not.  What do I mean.  Bluntly, the above chart was designed with White men in mind so for men of color the weight to height ranges might not jive with our body types and history and the way we consume food and exercise.  We should also throw in that the construct of "gayness" and social homosexuality, what it looks like is largely a White centered construct.  African and American and Latino men have historically had no choice but to follow along, it's only in the past twenty years or so that we've had the resources and out men to say "No, we're more like this because we are not that race."

But having birthed part of our sexual identity through a paradigm that may or may not fit us culturally, we've also adopted ideas that may or may not suit who we are.  This thought has always been something I've known but in the realm of MSM and body type/image this came up as I was watching the Facebook news feed.  As I'm sure everyone on Facebook does, you have "friends" who you're not particularly close to but there's a common friend or interest so you get their postings too.  It's how the whole system works, it might even be how you got my blog or videos.  That's not a bad thing.  But what it also does is it allows and eye spy into more people and their thoughts/preferences then we might normally get.  In a way that's what the internet does, it allows entry into another's thoughts and it demands that the other marshal the boundaries around their thoughts.  It really is the 21st century technological telepathy.  But on to my people point.

In the news feed of various individuals and groups, some men, MSM men post pictures of hyper masculine and  pack, sweaty, 8 pack, semi to fully nude men not just regularly but constantly.  Now like the previous examples this is both positive and negative.  One, it's positive because it's men, who tend to be more visual in their sexual interest, following the biological drive for a percentage of men to see or look at or with technology have images of men, and sexualize it.  Not negatively but oddly, that's being group shared.  That group sharing I think is a level of fascinating that I can only speculate into.  It only makes more sense when I give you the not positive, or possibly negative skew on this.  None of the men, I'm think of a handful, they're Black and Latino, look like the perfect images they're posting (I once counted one guys posts about three dozen men a day.)

Let's really look at that.  In simple terms, someone in the red, who's constantly in the BMI red and perhaps if we did a direct handsomeness facial measurement (there's actually a rating system for that that is simply biological---humans judge attractiveness by facial symmetry and the balance or imbalance.  When we look at say a Brad Pitt or a Denzel Washington, part of what we're unconsciously measuring is how symmetrical their faces--It's called the Golden Triangle---are and using that knowledge to suggest how potent or fertile and healthy their genetic line/seed is.  We're doing the same at Halle Berry and Charlize Theron.  Remember we're biological humans before all of the social stuff is lain onto us.  You can also see why there's an explosion in facial and body sculpting plastic surgery and why so many advertisements involving celebrities are face centered....and Photoshop is universally involved.)  When you think someone is beautiful, not just overall attractive, but startling "perfect" we're looking for that symmetry or that person has done things to themselves to achieve that symmetry.  

My mother ran a modelling agency for about a decade starting in my teenage years so there was a constant parade of really beautiful people in and out of the house.  I was even charged with if I saw young people in my travels, who were really attractive, male or female, gay or straight to give them her card but she admonished me to trust my gut on it, not to be suckered in by thinking they were a "nice" person.  Curiously while I even was prompted to do a photo shoot myself in swim trunks, suits and other things and I can now see the symmetry my mother and the photographer thought were camera friendly, I also learned to not be enamored with that symmetry.  Even more ironically, have over the years because of this encouraged acceptance  had lots of "beautiful friends and lovers mainly because I'm not as awestruck by them and we can have normal discourse.

Ah, are you starting to see where I'm going with the possibilities of no fats, no fems?

Back to the Facebook posters.  I wonder and have considered directly asking them---what do you get out of posting men who you'll never meet, who in high probably might not even be homosexual or be attracted to you?  Then I thought about what one of the levels of Facebook (yeah, after the Golden Triangle stuff---even the name is jumping off new suppositions, huh?) is about.  A level of "see me" vanity or narcissism.  Now some levels of narcissism can be healthy, it's a positive way of seeing our internal selves (confidence) and manifesting it outwardly *self esteem) but when we're not getting a steady diet of some of that social reinforcement to our inner selves we can often try and get it artificially.  I would submit that the men who are constantly posting, not occasionally but I mean, that's what he DOES on Facebook pictures of hyper attractive men are trying to get some Gold Triangle....light.  

Let's be honest, some people ain't Golden Triangle close in face symmetry, never were going to be and need to make sure their personality sparkles.  That's good and cool.  But some also learn the Mean Girls theory of cuteness.  If you stand with lots of cute people constantly while it points out how less cute you are, it also tricks other humans into sometimes considering you more cute than you are. The guys doing the super posting---are truing to get some Golden Triangle side light cast onto them while also exampling their sexuality very publicly.  It's a form of extreme vanity in a not so cute face.  

Yeah, I said it!

I'll go even further out on a limb and suggest a level of internalized racial homo-superiority against themselves as the posters are Black and Latino, and I've watched their posts be of predominantly White men.  

Ummmm hmmm.  

I said it! 

Again!

But what about the FAT ASSES ?!

Knowing all that you now know from the above I would further submit that that's a level of what is occurring by segmenting some MSM to the chubs, chunks, churros section of the sexuality barroom.  They might have more personality, resources (kinda by weight, obviously.)  But a narcissist society teaches to want to either be or be as close to Golden Triangles in order to be right or good.  And MSM seeking to find fulfill and validation either want to be the light or want to be in it close enough to distract from their imperfections.  I'm going to submit also though that some men prey upon the big boys because of the predatory desire for emotional, mental, social or financial resources that a big'un might have to compensate for their own lack.  We might even be able to extend this supposition to effeminate men and their admirers as well.

I know, a confusing mess right?  Doing workshops on this topic is difficult because it crosses into narcissism, body image, social values, health, etc..

How do we reconcile all of the above to healthy self images and achieve our goals of sustained, good relationships.  Do we check our dates on the BMI or by how worn out their New York Sports Club membership key-fob is?  Do you get even more impractical and decide that you'll only date someone whose physicality and facial structure represent optimal health for offspring when try as they might, same gender have never procreated.  Suddenly our biological imperative unconscious ability isn't of direct value.  And even more scary  as a man, how do you reconcile you're looking at a man for at the biological base, his reproductive capability which is also measured in hip, thigh and butt ratios,unconsciously?  Are we then as MSM looking at perfect bodied men and denying that biological observation or are we looking to them as the only viable candidates?

And maybe if we take it to the deepest internalized extremes, maybe that's why there's such a judgment around fats and fems---they represent a biological urge that can't be fulfilled by design.  Is the MSM community revulsion and judgment of them really self hatred at not being able to directly reproduce and therefore the obsession with perfect male beauty ideals the way we psychologically soothe ourselves from the deep unconscious sadness and rejection our biological desire being unfulfilled brings about?

So now you see (pun!) where this might leave you?  Confused, relieved and hopefully a bit more open to your errors and your openness towards others of all shapes and sizes.  I often tell groups of men that when they're together and bitching and moaning about there being no available or Good Men, what they're really revealing is how much of this construct, racial, societal, social, internal deficiency bullshit is on their windshields.  Happy men who are dating and sexual and being flirted with and having fun keep their mental windshield wipers on so that their reality is internally consistent with the external one.  They can therefore show their wonderful qualities no matter the Golden Triangle, 6 packed beauty of the car they're in.  They can also spot other cars and see clearly not only the physical form but what's on the windshields and even more imperatively, what's inside. 

Thank you for reading,

Kyle Phoenix

Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com

Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Relationships: Cra(z)y Cra(z)y Men, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

You've seen him around or maybe you've never seen him before and you "Meet Cute"---a Meet Cute is any chance, casual encounter that happens when you're not looking for it and one or both of you could be played by someone from a romantic comedy.  One of my more memorable Meet Cutes was on 44th Street and 8th Avenue.  I had decided to take in a Tuesday evening flick---Kinsey with Liam Neeson---and was strolling up the block to get a Pepsi to put in my bag (the theater only serves Coke.)  As I was standing at the corner about to cross to the deli someone in my peripheral vision leans out from the line of us standing on the curb and winks at me.  He did it a couple of times because at first I didn't notice but then I realized it was for me and smiled back in a big smile and he smiled and I smiled and he smiled and then I forgot to cross the street then I remembered and we crossed and we started chatting on the other side   I got my Pepsi, we sat at one of the dessert places in Times Square to kill an hour before my movie and he then joined me for the movie.

That was the beginning of 36 hours of cray cray on a stick.  I was distracted by how handsome he was---Black and Dominican mixing for all it was worth, his glob charm and quite frankly, I was high from the Meet Cute.  A really good Meet Cute to anyone can dislodge your good sense for a while and this was 2004.  Within 36 hours he revealed that he was 4 days out of prison, HIV+, somewhere between confused and bisexual, a former Calvin Klein model (yes, he was THAT kind of handsome), a drug addict, hated dated one of Diana Ross' daughters, his mother was dead, his stepmother was evil, he'd done several pornos, his father was mad at him, in jail there's a private space covered by a tent of sheets that's known as the Boom Boom room to go and masturbate, he had but refused to take his HIV medication, he was an on and off again prostitute, he'd been a drug dealer.....oh, and he was a Scorpio.

He was my last official cray cray date.
He stole a broken laptop from me.
He left his HIV meds.
No, we didn't have sex.

What I learned from this when I realized he was nucking futs---about 3 hours after the Meet Cute---was how I was responsible for all the other cray crays I'd met and dated over the years.  I'd let them in.

When you see crazy coming down the street, cross the street.  Don't give him your number.  Don't ask him how you can help.  Don't act as a referral service to anything but the local police station for him.  Don't feel bad about not being the world's social worker.  (Even if you are a social worker, you can take some time off too.)

Character
A man is his character.  Is he generous, caring, considerate, loving, thoughtful, courageous, responsible, keeper of his word.  I've learned to not excuse any of the really good traits for silly superficial traits--masculinity (personality put on), funny (who isn't?), charming (practiced), dysfunctional (drug addicted/neurotic/passive aggressive/narcissistic, not taking care of their health).

If you are sharing your body before you have an understanding of a man's character, you have to take every lump whether that's emotional, physical or STD related.  No one else is responsible for you not being able to control your desires though good character in another would have them extend their responsibility trait.

Reasons Why
Earth, Wind and Fire tore up that song!  But when someone starts telling you the reasons why, it should make sense.  if it doesn't make sense, it ain't true.  I've learned that crazy people are amazingly good at telling you how they are constant, continuous and unwitting victims to reality.  Racism, the police, their parents, drugs, women, men, the prison system, the color blue, oxygen and the dog sitting over there minding their own business.  Life challenges us all.  In fact it should be called Challenge and not something as simple as life.  And yes, we all need loving and understanding and a second chance.  But we also need the truth to be told to us as well as being able to tell it to ourselves.  Powerful people can handle the truth, weak people crumble from criticism.

As a side note, I notice how MSM are the most damned by criticism; they get an immediate case of the can't takes.  You tell an MSM that he didn't do something correctly or he was directly wrong and if there's room he'll dramatically fall out on the floor or throw himself at the window.  Why?  I trace it all the way back to MSM growing up with a hidden sexual preference/identity and the social pressures of manhood and masculinity around them that acts as a form of constant identity criticism.  Therefore when criticized their super tender to criticism---it must be homophobia, it must be racism, it must be misandry!

Nah, sometimes it's you, you did something wrong.  There are things for you to learn that you don't know or have learned incorrectly.

Heterosexuals learn how to separate (the healthy ones) criticism about their actions and criticisms about their identity.  That's a big distinction to learn, to move through, to internally know and it leads to a healthier sense of self-esteem and ability to be intimate and bond in successful relationships.  Are you seeing how the inability to handle criticism can aid in MSM not finding or creating satisfying relationships?

Self Esteem
I learned from my 2004 Meet Cute that I didn't have any feelings for him.  There was a time when he would've been the Bees Knees Life Project for me to take on!  For me to comfort and coddle and save!  Oh, Lordy, I could've saved him!  But by 2004 I'd been in several short and long term relationships, done some year long therapy tune up twice and was at a job that started out as a consulting favor but turned into a career changer.

Confidence and self esteem are not the same things.

Confidence is internal---it's that I feel adequate and capable and balanced enough to act.

Self esteem IS the action occurring and being put forth externally.

For a long time I confused the two, I thought because I felt good about myself that I had good self esteem when in fact I would allow all kinds of foolishness around me.  But by 2004 I'd thrown out friends, families, lovers, fools and even jobs who crossed my confidence.  I'd finally actualized my self to self esteem in action.  I distinct remember sitting and listening to Mr. Meet Cute in 2004 and hearing allllllllll of his cray cray and having no desire to fix it.  The real truth of being involved with cray cray MSM is you, not him.  You think you can change him, fix his nuttiness, deal with his problems (and your own---you're always putting yourself on the back burner to help the nutballs.)  Sitting across form him, I understood that while, yes, I felt sympathetic to his problems, I couldn't fix them. Not simply I'd decided wouldn't but couldn't.  Real power knows it's limits.  He'd made some adult decisions in his life, he was in his thirties that had detemrined a lot of where he was and where he wasn't.  I wouldn't and couldn't repair that.

Guilt
When I tell my 2004 tale in workshops to example how you have to be conscious of taking care of yourself and maintaining your character people often ask about my sympathy, about how I can be detached, how I can tell them to not pick up the phone, text the dude, answer the door, resist their compulsions.  I point out simply, the object of your desire is not in a room somewhere (or on this blog) talking about you.  Sit with that for a second.  Really sit with that.  Guilt ans shame are two different things.  Guilt is you did something wrong, shame is you are wrong as a person.  Setting boundaries doesn't feel bad.  If it does it means that you have issues with guilt and shame.  MSM who announce proudly their self-worth and that they're men of power who take care of themselves don't understand, power doesn't have to announce itself.  It simply is.  Like a flower or a mighty oak tree.

You simply stand.

I felt sympathy for all the stuff in the guys life in 2004 but you know what?  I didn't make those choices that he had in his life.  And he was actively not working on fixing those things.  That's a big thing.  He wasn't in recovery, he wasn't taking his meds, he wasn't working----he simply wasn't.  When you check out your own guilt look at what is that man doing to rectify these problems.  Desire is bluntly, bullshit.  Actions speak louder than words when people talk about making change.

Never trust a big butt and a smile.  POISON!

All people have trials and troubles, effort is how you tell cray cray from people with problems.  People who are just looking for attention or relief won't put in the work.  You can pay some attention to them, I do.  I pay attention to the cray cray who tell you the laundry lists of what went wrong.  But I listen as instruction on what not to do: whether that be drugs or unsafe sex or emotional drama untended to (yeah, those two therapists I went to for a year each---that's attending to all your drama in the right space.)

Responsibility and Accountability to your internal self confidence matching your external self esteem is how you avoid those how are destructive to themselves or you.

I was able to observe and hear and walk on by that guy in 2004 after 3 hours of observation because my internal (confidence) No and external (self esteem) No, are aligned.

Are yours?

Coming Soon: Part 2, Your Arrogance and Crazy Men

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast onhttp://kylephoenixsite.com/

Race: 10 Things That Make The Ku Klux Klan Ecstatic!!! by Kyle Phoenix

You down with KKK?
I'm down with KKK!
Keepin' it real!

The Klan has a long and distinguished history.  It is literally the physical manifestation of racism in America that every human, and small animals, can point to as the definitive example.  In the late 1800s after the Civil War and the terror that the "darkies" would lose it and help White people lose their head from being attached to their bodies for slavery, the KKK was formed.  They went 19th century Racebook----riding horses from town to town, scrawling letters in the standard 3rd grade education most Southerns (and quite a few Northerners) enjoyed. But gosh darn it, faster than you can get 5000 Friends and go from a Person to a Page, a psychopathic paranoid semi-militia had been formed.  They did things----lynchings, intimidation, gunshots, running darkies off or back on to plantations   It was literally the Racebook virtual reality/Halo Mix-tape. 

But then slowly laws were changed and amended and more immigrants started flooding the welcoming shores of America.  There was the odd barn burning and yearly BBQs over slain Civil Rights leaders but by the 1980s the KKK was dwindling, it was empty, it was so forgotten that people were surprised when they checked back into it.  Like MySpace.  

Sure there was your parades and rallies and shocking political appointees who showed that their hood sheet now came in 100% Egyptian cotton with a clever Hermes tie.  But the blatant, orgasmic in your face-ness of the KKK was narrowing.  Racism, ever the American trendsetter, had gone subtle; it had edged into the underground in-conscious of selected recipients of the Caucasian persuasion.  Racial Berlin Wall cracker Nelson Mandela was free and with it went the Europeanized Aliens-esque brood queen, Apartheid into the gaping maw of Black space (but always up for a sequel.) 

But then from Black Space came the sequel and this time the KKK gaped like John Connors when the horror Sarah had warned him of saved his life and said with the face of the Terminator, "Come with me, if you want to live."  And live the Klan has because it's a multi-pic sequelization and the KKK realize that they thought they'd lost the miscegenation are but they realize that was only the battle and the darkies were chewing on the throats, bones and dreams........of each other.

1. Black and Latinos Not Reading
North America has the unique distinction of having libraries within every ten square blocks (except for desert spots).  You can go into these buildings---heated, lit, quiet and read about anything and anybody.  Hell, you can take the books out of the building, borrowing them so you can even sit at home alone, moving your lips while reading.  Amazingly enough within one generations time Black and Latinos have forgotten that it was illegal for them to read and now we leave mental money on every 10 blocks and they ignore it!  They have the highest dropout rates and lowest literacy scores by race on the planet with the exception of their boon boon cousins who live in true deserts!



2. Black and Latinos Saying They "Hate" Math
Compound interest arises when interest is added to the principal, so that, from that moment on, the interest that has been added also earns interest. This addition of interest to the principal is called compounding. A bank account, for example, may have its interest compounded every year: in this case, an account with $1000 initial principal and 20% interest per year would have a balance of $1200 at the end of the first year, $1440 at the end of the second year, and so on.

The effect of earning 20% annual interest on an
initial $1,000 investment at various compounding frequencies

3. Black and Latino Men Consciously Barebacking/Spreading HIV
MSM call each other brother and understand basic science.  It's been 30 years and even my cat knows how HIV is spread.  But they still are fucking each other to death.  They have parties in Harlem and around the country where condoms are so verboten, if you flash one, much less try to use, you'll be kicked out.  They know they're infected and shrug and fuck each other.  You can't make this shit up.  Black and Latino men, the warriors will fuck each other to death and then some of them who like the pole and hole, will go fuck the women too!  And they know it kills and wrecks the immune system!

4. Black and Latino People Buying Apple IPhones, BMW, Microsoft, Louis Vuitton Products and Paying Rent
Real estate is "Property consisting of land and the buildings on it, along with its natural resources such as crops, minerals, or water; immovable property of this nature; an interest vested in this; (also) an item of real property; (more generally) buildings or housing in general. Also: the business of real estate; the profession of buying, selling, or renting land, buildings or housing.


73% of all wealth on Earth is held in real estate.

30% of people of color in America own real estate but not the other companies.  What does that make all of the purchasers of goods who don't own anything but the products?  Loving devotees.
5. Black and Latino People Spending Inordinate Amounts of Time on Facebook

The Klan considers the 100 million
the bum door opener tip.
(Reasons 1 & 2 apply to
"fixing" the education system.
Does it matter if you
enhance the system for people
who only a percentage will READ and do MATH?
"Here you go."

Announcing they're going to sleep.  Announcing they're awake.  Posting pics of Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson tributes.  Sharing music videos of Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.  Complaining about sagging pants.  Announcing the Lord's intentions, wishes, blessings, thoughts, feelings, anger and occasionally personal attentions.
Some will point out the 100 million donation to Newark by Mark Zuckerberg.
The Klan considers that no Black or Latino has ever been able to drop out of Harvard to create anything on the internet that has 1 billion users and is worth over 100 billion dollars.  


6. Black and Latino People With Cell Phones

Blackberry's cost $500 plus a 1 or 2 yearly contract which is about $100 a month. So when they give you a near free Blackberry, you've paid over $2000 for it.  IPhones cost $300 to $800 plus a 1 or 2 yearly contract which is about $100 a month. So when they don't give you a near free IPhone, you've paid over $4000 for it.

Curiously enough Motorola, Verizon, Apple, Blackberry nor their subsidiaries donate to education, social care, for the near 70% of Blacks and Latinos who are paying so much.  However the good news is that this is where Reasons overlap.  See if they didn't Hate Math they'd figure out the massive profit upswing.  Of course that would then integrate into Reason # 1 but the real irony is----all of these pieces of technology can look up the answers and they never use it!!!!!!!!



7. The Maury Povich Show
You could understand young people with children wanting the male parent to assume responsibility   That's not racial, that's universal.  But check this---the audience is full of Black and Latino people looking at Black and Latino people humiliate themselves for a trip to Connecticut and a paternity test.  No, no, wait for it---sometimes there are multiple children and the Black or Latino man is adamant  proud and joyous when he finds out he's not a father to some girl he's been doing the horizontal bounce with.  She dashes off in torrential shame but she'l be back because like a good mother to the children who will one day review this on YouTube---she's got a list of other possible men it could be.  Name by name, literally counting the seats on the train she's pulled---to an average 2-3 million viewers a day.  No, no, no----wait for itttttttttttttt----while a White man sits next to this foolery grinning in sweats! because he doesn't even dress up for the approximate 10 million a year (as a partial owner of the show) he gets for being the ringmaster to Dr. King's legacy.  The respect for Black and Latino women and the integrity of their men is a ratings boom! 

8. Big Beautiful Black Women Who Are Too Proud Of It

Diabetes.
Heart disease.
High blood pressure.
Shorter Lifespans
Amputated limbs
Look at the damn picture.
Enough said.*

*The Klan though can rightfully defend that when they could own the broodmares, they were much thinner and healthier.  They can actually statistically and historically prove that chattel slavery was better for some because some have trouble regulating how to do a basic human function.  A function that humans have been doing for 2 million years.  2 million years.

**Yes, yes, The Klan is aware that all races, mainly in America are obese but they have been thinking about how diabetes is more likely to effect the brown folk.....and the brown folk rail against a mayor who says that a 96 ounce, 1500+ calorie is a bit too much to be so readily available.  Because well......aw, hell.......look at her. Somehow we're all paying extra taxes on the front end health care or the back end exit strategy of her. 

9. Black and Latino People Harassing Their Own
94% of Black and Latino murders are committed by Blacks and Latinos.  4% of the murder rate are White people.  The Klan is positive that even if a decent feeling for a race war could be mustered, Black and Latino people would shoot, beat, injure, betray, maim, decapitate each other in the planning phase.


10. Blacks and Latinos Treating Each Other With Discrimination
The really brown people came from the purple lines.  There were some brown people just sitting around minding their own business on the left side of the map.  Luckily we were able to exterminate most of the indigenous people (there's some pissed Native American blogging about this but Racebook is confined to reservations for them.)

Check this: the current brown people are so subdivided---by the racial categorizing system created by their oppressors they think they're different. 

LM(W)AO

You can't make this shit up.
The birth of a (brown) nation is televised and remote controlled through a brown President that nearly all of them ran to vote for.  Yes, the revolution is being televised....it's called BET.  

The problem is whom you think the revolution is against.  


Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Culture: What Is Happiness For You? by Kyle Phoenix

Its been a challenging couple of years.  Not the worst ever that I've experienced but these past few years have really changed some of the concepts I had of myself and where I was going and what I was doing.  I often think about happiness, my own, and family and friends' and I imagine what could I do to make them happy.  Then sometimes i sit back and really look at my own sadness---ill parents, the instability of teaching from the place you work at to the outcome of the students---I'm never sure if I've gotten it right, if I've made a substantial difference, if a good program is in process or if this is merely the iteration of an idea that needs to be hashed out some more.  

Then I have this other project of The Kyle Phoenix Show and the associated blogs, websites, podcasts, development designs and trying to think about how to develop this whole thing into something useful and helpful.  It makes me pleased some times and frustrated other times because I'm not exactly media obsessed but it demands that I learn about how to create, distribute and control media.  It's not something I've normally had to think about: my public image.  That's even weird for me to see in a detached way to myself now.  I'm reading two books on narcissism and media---I go on tears, this one actually came from developing workshops, shows and blogs around passive aggressiveness and dealing with many narcissists in my work---and I was struck by how unrelated to my own happiness attention is to me.  

I've been trying to discern what makes me happy, what kinds of things I want to do, where to go, what to study, how to enter the next third of life more intentionally.  There are things I'm not satisfied with, but who doesn't have some of those?  But now an element of my life is about being in front of a room or a camera or presentations where I'm trying to convey some nugget of information and emotionally I'm generally expected to be reasonably upbeat and happy.  I have to be emotionally present in certain ways that demand that I'm reasonably okay with myself.  I even get lots of push and pull from people who are wrestling with the value of whatever it is I'm sharing.  There have been only two negative incidents in the past three years of intensive school/teaching where I've been doing more than 40 hours of both a week, trying to integrate new knowledge from university in the design of schools and how to focus adult learning to the implementation of those skills, sometimes in the same week---the ride is exciting most times but I never notice it within the ride.

Again I return to happiness and am I happy?  I suppose that for us all it's a decision of which side of the yes or no you fall onto but there's a gap of gray space so sometimes I'm more happy and others times I'm less happy, but I am happy.  I am pleased with the things I've gathered so far in life.  I do think about death, it's been a decade of death in my family, so I often pick up the phone from relatives and it's the report of who's passed away or close to it.  I guess I meander through this blog, the personal ones are always the less concise to my ear and eye   but I do know that somehow I keep re-birthing myself.  

All this happiness questioning came from working on my Vitae, an academic resume/record of what I've done, produced, written/published, taught, etc. over the course of time.  I'm often stunned by how much I do, the product, the output because I never think it's enough, not from measuring myself against others but because I'm not sure if it creates happiness.  It represents a form of happiness, most of the stuff on my Vitae I liked doing in some form or another, I liked the creation of it whether I cared for the total outcome.  One of the things I've learned over these past few intensive years is that in education it never quite meets outcome vision.  I've spent a lot of the past few months really doing intensive writing about my work, it's presentation time; time to articulate what I observed and learned from my vantage points in the classroom.  

My point?  How do you measure your own happiness?  Is it an ongoing process or something that you've found is elusive?  Do you feel like an essentially happy person, honestly or are you at war with it?  I consider this because of how much unhappiness I often hear (or is emailed to me) from workshops/groups.  So many men in particular are unhappy with their race, their work, their sexuality, their loneliness.  Sometimes when I'm sitting with people with my best professional face on, sometimes even with friends, I'm saddened by the lost, sad people I'm seeing who do small and huge destructive things.  I watch them thinking that an unhealthy relationship or drugs or drinking or lying or narcissism or adulation or magic or stuff will bring them a sense of peace, of happiness.  

I was looking at one of the bookcases near my bed, it's barely the tip of my book iceberg, so I was imagining all of my books in bookcases along a long wall, and the DVDs  and the CDs and the magazines and that was making me happy to think of that perfect picture.  Ironically I was reading a book about death of parents and examining for happiness and contentment and liberation but somehow I got kind of happy thinking about all of these things, light and dark and the happiness that we take and miss in ourselves.

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

GMAD Video

http://www.ny1.com/content/top_stories/60487/gmad-helps-gay-men-of-african-descent-find-a-sense-of-self

Education: Sociopaths and Psychopaths by Kyle Phoenix

 I've had the privilege of teaching for almost two decades now, since I was a teenager.  I term it a privilege because most people, particularly men of color that I meet in my travels are often frustrated with their work.  Not the concept of working but the kind of work they do.  Interestingly enough people who are satisfied, deeply invested in, consider their work a vocation and not a task tend to live longer (Frank McCourt, etc.).  The other high correlate to overall life satisfaction within relationships is a couple earning the equivalent of over $50,000 a year a piece (or the breadwinner making $100,000).  It really helps if both are synonymous.  Teaching when done at a high level can satisfy both but in the vocation of teaching, one generally moves around a lot career wise  learning one's trade.  In my teaching breadth I've consulted, worked for non-profits, the government, charter schools, public schools, universities, the prison system, rehabs, churches and even 12 Step programs.  In that time I've met some wonderful diamonds of intellect.

I've also met monsters.

They've been staff, student and client alike.  Pedophiles, rapists, murderers, abusers, self-destructive, narcissists, users, professional victims, scammers, crackheads, whores, malcontents and even once or twice, people who were comfortably evil.  (One even called himself Satan.)

What I teach, I'm still learning to quantify.  One of my foci is the acceleration of learning for adults.  That means I spend a lot of time studying how and what people learn and at what speed.  This also means that I will probably at some point have to get a direct Masters in Psychology because I spend so much of my time understanding people or seeking to understand them.  I also spend a lot fo my time translate this understanding to students and administrators of all ages.  That means I spend a lot of my time getting into people's heads real fast, sorting around, poking and peeping, asking strategic questions and listening on several deep levels. I'm also attentive to body language, micro-expressions, micro-aggression's, language usage, syntactical expression, identity exposure because I generally have to justify something or explain something or when I'm really having fun, unpack racialized entitlement and privilege.

I know that I'm reasonably good at it.  I don't think I'm great.  In fact seeking to become less intuitively good and more learnedly better is why I'm pursuing another 6 year Masters.Doctoral stint at university.  I'm often struck by, as I learn how to identify different kinds of people, how many of them are gummy bears (my slang term for a casual inspection of someone who's off their rocker.)  The funniest thing about those who are gummy bears is that a psychological team I was working with sat me down in meetings where I had to present evaluations of adults and insisted that I learn all the proper terms.  Instinct while good at spotting the odd is useless in the helping of it.

A sociopath is defined as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood." A psychopath is defined as someone is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, cold-heartedness, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity, criminality, antisocial behaviors such as lacking guilt and living a parasitic lifestyle.

• I had one student who was infected with every know STD (HIV, herpes, gonorrhea  chlamydia  etc.) on the planet and made it his life's mission to infect as many of other Black and Latino men as possible. 
• Another group that I was facilitating for eventually came to the conclusion that they were being run like a cult by a megalomaniac.
• This one young man regularly beats young women while hooking with men.
• Another, in fact several  have had long term, from their toddler years to mid-twenties sexual relationships with their mothers and fathers.  Sometimes I've even met the parents before and after learning about the abuse.
• A brilliant young man, a true intellectual genius once divulged me while holding a knife how he'd perhaps killed before.
• Several students have been ex-convicts (and currently imprisoned) and told me of gangland warfare, melees, mayhem and violence that stagger the mind when confronted with the seemingly good student in front of me.
• Another student told me about his involvement in a murder several years ago.  The wild part was it was a famous murder here in New York and he was telling me because he needed my help to write a letter to the State's Attorney.  At least he was writing, right?
• A young man, who was a porn star, once explained to me how he was involved in a double homicide and I had to stop him and explain to him the Law & Order Rule: only tell your lawyer and priest, because they have legal and hopefully ethical confidentiality.
• I've had enough Black and Latino students who've done pornography to not only fill several hours in movie but cater to at least three different sexualities and four gender identifications.

There have the minor offenders who are just garden of the mill self-destructive narcissists; the self-purported perfect husband who cheats so much on his husband that there's a website about it; the non-profit manager who sister died of AIDS so he now practices destructive homophobia within the teenage group he manages; the young man whose mother has him operating as a pimp....for his sister; the mother who turned into a prostitute because her father was her mother's pimp---and likes it; the administrators and non-profit managers who steal money, one even from a man who was having his first child and needed the job---which the manager cancelled as revenge against another manager; the racial champions publicly who denigrate and destroy other men of color privately.

I am an optimistic person though.  Yes, my work often involves people who are bluntly sinners.  However I adhere to the original definition of sin.  It's an archery term, that means missing the mark.  Most of them are trying to do better.  Or at the very least are honest about their transgressions.  I'm then confronted with my own morality about what to support the measurement of the greater good, the decision of the lesser of two evils, the reticence to give advanced lessons to people I know will only use it for harm.  The hardest part of being a teacher I've discovered over the past handful of years is maintaining the idealism that existed two decades ago, when I was blind and happy and thrilled to be trusted as an intellectual guide.

I am now comfortable with the sill of being able to see who won't make it. Who will fail.  Who I can mitigate to some reasonable level of productivity; who I can help through the basics of an Associates degree but who, due to psychological gummy bear stuff, won't go too much further.  I am saddened that just by the nature of the populations I've worked with so far so many are Black and Latino men.  I have a list, it's a request form for books from the Department of Correction integrated library system.  It is ASTOUNDING!  For several years I was the Teacher's Asst. at a university teaching several classes a semester in Black Literature, my parents were both in the Black Panthers and deeply college educated during the Civil Rights era so I personally have read, taught, have a pretty impressive litany of literature  particularly racial literature.  This list though---it's the equivalent of two doctorates and the student who gave it to me had it for 7 years while in prison.  He'd tried to read several of the books but lack of foundational education made it more of a pipe-dream than reality.  But he kept the list and shared it with me when he got out.

I mention the above because he also shared with me a startling truth: certain books are banned from the prison system.  They're considered too dangerous for prisoners to have a hold of.  Sun Tzu, Clausewitz, Greene.  Essentially anything that teaches mental offensive and defensive stratagem.  Marcuse, Davis, Fanon, Gramscii.  Anything that teaches critical interpretation of self, reality, systems.  You might say to me, one, what does this have to do with sociopaths and psychopaths that you've come across and two, why this clever prison diddy?

One, yes, even I can understand the editing towards a population though I think it's censorship.  I can understand it because for all the sociopaths and narcissists and psychopaths I've met and taught, I have to sometimes weave through the true power in texts or I have to omit a book because I realize in the fertile mind of someone who's gummy bears they would wreck even more havoc.  I've spent many a day and night thinking about students and what opportunities to ultimately give them because I can see what a predator they are.  It weighs heavy to thrill at knowledge sharing and then be dampened by the maturity to see that some would be far too dangerous f I were to teach them the full applications of an intellectual tool.

Two, education is dangerous.  Radically I try to impress this upon people, particularly people of color.  One student, in her forties, from West Africa once literally blew my mind in a classroom.  She had about a 3rd grade education and suddenly out of nowhere in a discussion said: "What education is is similar to the invasion of Iraq.  You're trying to invade my mind and reshape it with a form of mental warfare,"  I was young them teaching a GED class and suddenly I realized that she was right.  Taken further though I now understood why education is denied to people overtly historically and now covertly with the overwhelming availability but lack of access of information from the internet that I watch people use.  I see why only 25% of Americans are college educated and why a recession can knock so many people on their financial asses.  I see why a housing boon and bust occurs with mortgage scams, because people can't read critically nor do long term analysis with math.

But here's why this should matter to you.  If we suspect that we're being used by banks  politicians, the media---it's mainly because they're more educated and therefore control the resources to do the manipulation.  The inversion of keeping certain thought forms away from certain populations, whether that be criminal, racial or the willing (the sleeping masses) doesn't mean that those self same manipulators aren't absorbing the materials and stratagems that Angry Birds and American Idol have distracted you form being aware of.  In fact it means that a lot of your past times and lack of intellectual engagement tools are to distract from the people who may've been my students, someone else's or simply taken the thrill of knowledge to the self edification level.  Edify they have.  Next time you complain at a someone on television in power, ask yourself what do they know (schooling, math, critical thinking, etc.) that you don't?

I've learned over the years that a lot of sociopaths and psychopaths love education and there's only so long teachers like me can do workarounds on them.





Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Relationships: Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic! Sex, Sex, Sex by Kyle Phoenix

Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic!  Sex, Sex, Sex

There is debate about how long one should wait to indulge in sex.  MSM tend to have sex faster due to testosterone and the freedom from the risk of pregnancy (though I would offer that HIV is God's way of acknowledging/projecting all sexualities under the Sun need to be responsible).  It also acts as a false marker for intimacy.  It's far easier to be physically naked than it is to be emotionally naked.  MSM therefore having grown up without the support and embrace of society: their families, their friends, schoolmates, teachers, deli counter cooks, don't always have rules for sexuality.  Some of the positive stuff that society can give us is the wisdom for how to measure when to do something, when not to and how to listen to our core selves and not our rubber parts.  However when you haven't been grounded in your sexuality being valuable and of quality, it's something, as of 18 years old, you're now responsible for.

When to have sex?

I wish I could give you an easy answer but the volume of your neediness for intimacy is playing louder in your head then anything I can say to you.  I've learned this in workshops.  I've learned this in workshops despite the room being full of fifty men and half of them being HIV+ and sharing how immediate sexual gratification got some of them caught up in the permanent jackpot.

Here's what I throw out: 3 months.

A large percentage of the men in groups LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS trying to conceive of this time frame.  ow here's the interesting part, they're often the ones whose relationship strategies aren't working; who aren't dating' who aren't even being sexual.  It's akin to someone ill coming into the Emergency Room and refusing medical care and then sitting in the waiting room complaining about the pain they're in.  The shock and upset come from fear.  Fear of losing a man's attention because MSM at the core of their sexual identity have acquired shame/inadequacy/.lack of value from society's projections.  But rather than deal with that fearful feeling they fight hard against the cure.  Why? Because abused child fight social workers to go back to their abusive parents.  The lack of value encultured within, creates insane behavior on the outside.

If you are afraid that a man won't value you enough to leave you if you aren't sexual with him that suggests a lot about him and your relationship.  You're saying that he finds you disposable and maybe you secretly think of him as disposable too.  What I often find surprising is how many men sit together in groups and acknowledge and nod about the pandemic of HIV and then rush into sex.  Logically, healthy men would have deeper boundaries around their sexual activity unless there was a neurosis/mental upset at work unconsciously that they weren't considering.  The attempt to alleviate that feeling of lack of worth, a reflection of society saying you're sexuality isn't good enough for love, consideration, marriage.  Yet you're still forced to work, support, pay taxes, be nice to grandma---an emotional rape victim having to make nice-nice for the social perpetrator.

Woah, heavy thoughts, huh?

Ok, back to Sexual Standards.

You and he can negotiate sex.  Not simply positioning but also comfortability.  A friend recently told me about an online hook up where both he and the other guy were so nervous that they HAD to talk before sex.  It turned into not satisfying sex for both of them.  I suggested to him that both of them didn't have complete comfortability with what they were doing.  He defended that no, they had sex.  I reinforced that I wasn't taking about their ability to commit a penetrative act but they weren't comfortable with each other.  When he had to stop and think past his sexuality and desire to whether he felt good about it, he had to admit that he didn't and hadn't.  I suggested he not become celibate, the other end of the spectrum but instead that he explore sexuality and have fun without so much pressure to it being great or love or perfect.

Can you meet someone and have good sex?  Sure, but generally that happens with MSM who are comfortable with themselves so they show up as great lovers because they see their sexuality as good, valuable and an integral part of the universe. Sharing that self-love and lack of shame is what creates great sex.  (understandably the more out a man is the better they report their sex life as.  Living in authentically makes better lovers.)

Again you're wondering okay, what does all this mean?  Imagine now having these discussions with yourself or others before having body contact.  Not just what do you like but why do you like it?  Why do you want to be sexual?  Ask the other person why they want to be sexual with you?  Ask what they find sexually attractive about you?

Now I want to be clear here that when I suggest waiting a few dates, or a dozen, or more, that doesn't mean there can't be kissing, petting, sleeping together, flirtation, just no penetrative or Bill Clinton sex.  Not only are you trying to get to know someone else but you also don't want to become chemically bonded to a man that you later discover is a louse.

Points to Consider: 

• Have you ever had repeated sex with someone you don't like?
• If you agree to casual sex you're saying my body and your body like each other so sure and maybe, hopefully, one day this could turn into a committed relationship or marriage, maybe.
• If 85% of MSM are Betas (more estrogen based) then they have a greater susceptibility to oxytocins, "the love hormone".  There's scads of studies on how this hormone causes not simply women but high production of estrogen males, to bond emotionally through sex to the smell, taste, touch of men (who have higher testosterone---Alphas--who don't feel as emotionally connected.)
• Betas commit through sex; Alphas commit through giving/loyalty/commitment=love.
• Betas often foolish try to use sex thinking sex is bonding.
• Alphas don't bond through sex.  They enjoy it like a Wendy's hamburger.  Then bounce.

Now wait for it, wait for it-----consider how this effects HIV rates.  A bunch of MSM having sex, feeling chemically bonded and sexing more and more and more, in spite of ambivalent feelings for their partner or physical risk.  If MSM are willing to risk themselves physically for sex, they would probably do so emotionally as well, huh?

MSM are challenged with having to negotiate their identity and sexuality without any social training, this definitely means that impulsivity and attraction have to be considered.  I'm no prude, nor do I advocate every sexual congress has to be a four bell wedding/honeymoon.  What I am suggesting is if you put up some boundaries around sex you'll discover that there are Good Men out there who want to hear from you your standards not your easiness.  If you're this easy with Bob on a date, Bob now knows for sure, whether he ever admits it to himself, how easy you are, period.  Curiously MSM spend so much time with women but don't learn from successfully partnered women---don't give it up, make him earn it.  If all it takes is attraction for you to be sexual when you report to wanting someone good and honest and loyal and trustworthy and stable---all of those characteristics can't be discovered during sex.  Character can only be observed over time.  So if you put getting to know someone's character over getting to know their rubber parts you probably won't spend as much time talking to friends about how you've been cheated on, or more drastically, sitting on a hard plastic chair somewhere wondering will the medical attendant tell you, from the test, something negative or positive.

Thank you!
Kyle Phoenix
Email your comments and thoughts to: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Sign up for the E Newsletter at: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us/Share this post on Facebook  LinkedIn, Google+ or Follow Us on Twitter! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com