Relationships: Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic! Sex, Sex, Sex by Kyle Phoenix

Dating for MSM, Part 3: Getting Boomtastic!  Sex, Sex, Sex

There is debate about how long one should wait to indulge in sex.  MSM tend to have sex faster due to testosterone and the freedom from the risk of pregnancy (though I would offer that HIV is God's way of acknowledging/projecting all sexualities under the Sun need to be responsible).  It also acts as a false marker for intimacy.  It's far easier to be physically naked than it is to be emotionally naked.  MSM therefore having grown up without the support and embrace of society: their families, their friends, schoolmates, teachers, deli counter cooks, don't always have rules for sexuality.  Some of the positive stuff that society can give us is the wisdom for how to measure when to do something, when not to and how to listen to our core selves and not our rubber parts.  However when you haven't been grounded in your sexuality being valuable and of quality, it's something, as of 18 years old, you're now responsible for.

When to have sex?

I wish I could give you an easy answer but the volume of your neediness for intimacy is playing louder in your head then anything I can say to you.  I've learned this in workshops.  I've learned this in workshops despite the room being full of fifty men and half of them being HIV+ and sharing how immediate sexual gratification got some of them caught up in the permanent jackpot.

Here's what I throw out: 3 months.

A large percentage of the men in groups LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS trying to conceive of this time frame.  ow here's the interesting part, they're often the ones whose relationship strategies aren't working; who aren't dating' who aren't even being sexual.  It's akin to someone ill coming into the Emergency Room and refusing medical care and then sitting in the waiting room complaining about the pain they're in.  The shock and upset come from fear.  Fear of losing a man's attention because MSM at the core of their sexual identity have acquired shame/inadequacy/.lack of value from society's projections.  But rather than deal with that fearful feeling they fight hard against the cure.  Why? Because abused child fight social workers to go back to their abusive parents.  The lack of value encultured within, creates insane behavior on the outside.

If you are afraid that a man won't value you enough to leave you if you aren't sexual with him that suggests a lot about him and your relationship.  You're saying that he finds you disposable and maybe you secretly think of him as disposable too.  What I often find surprising is how many men sit together in groups and acknowledge and nod about the pandemic of HIV and then rush into sex.  Logically, healthy men would have deeper boundaries around their sexual activity unless there was a neurosis/mental upset at work unconsciously that they weren't considering.  The attempt to alleviate that feeling of lack of worth, a reflection of society saying you're sexuality isn't good enough for love, consideration, marriage.  Yet you're still forced to work, support, pay taxes, be nice to grandma---an emotional rape victim having to make nice-nice for the social perpetrator.

Woah, heavy thoughts, huh?

Ok, back to Sexual Standards.

You and he can negotiate sex.  Not simply positioning but also comfortability.  A friend recently told me about an online hook up where both he and the other guy were so nervous that they HAD to talk before sex.  It turned into not satisfying sex for both of them.  I suggested to him that both of them didn't have complete comfortability with what they were doing.  He defended that no, they had sex.  I reinforced that I wasn't taking about their ability to commit a penetrative act but they weren't comfortable with each other.  When he had to stop and think past his sexuality and desire to whether he felt good about it, he had to admit that he didn't and hadn't.  I suggested he not become celibate, the other end of the spectrum but instead that he explore sexuality and have fun without so much pressure to it being great or love or perfect.

Can you meet someone and have good sex?  Sure, but generally that happens with MSM who are comfortable with themselves so they show up as great lovers because they see their sexuality as good, valuable and an integral part of the universe. Sharing that self-love and lack of shame is what creates great sex.  (understandably the more out a man is the better they report their sex life as.  Living in authentically makes better lovers.)

Again you're wondering okay, what does all this mean?  Imagine now having these discussions with yourself or others before having body contact.  Not just what do you like but why do you like it?  Why do you want to be sexual?  Ask the other person why they want to be sexual with you?  Ask what they find sexually attractive about you?

Now I want to be clear here that when I suggest waiting a few dates, or a dozen, or more, that doesn't mean there can't be kissing, petting, sleeping together, flirtation, just no penetrative or Bill Clinton sex.  Not only are you trying to get to know someone else but you also don't want to become chemically bonded to a man that you later discover is a louse.

Points to Consider: 

• Have you ever had repeated sex with someone you don't like?
• If you agree to casual sex you're saying my body and your body like each other so sure and maybe, hopefully, one day this could turn into a committed relationship or marriage, maybe.
• If 85% of MSM are Betas (more estrogen based) then they have a greater susceptibility to oxytocins, "the love hormone".  There's scads of studies on how this hormone causes not simply women but high production of estrogen males, to bond emotionally through sex to the smell, taste, touch of men (who have higher testosterone---Alphas--who don't feel as emotionally connected.)
• Betas commit through sex; Alphas commit through giving/loyalty/commitment=love.
• Betas often foolish try to use sex thinking sex is bonding.
• Alphas don't bond through sex.  They enjoy it like a Wendy's hamburger.  Then bounce.

Now wait for it, wait for it-----consider how this effects HIV rates.  A bunch of MSM having sex, feeling chemically bonded and sexing more and more and more, in spite of ambivalent feelings for their partner or physical risk.  If MSM are willing to risk themselves physically for sex, they would probably do so emotionally as well, huh?

MSM are challenged with having to negotiate their identity and sexuality without any social training, this definitely means that impulsivity and attraction have to be considered.  I'm no prude, nor do I advocate every sexual congress has to be a four bell wedding/honeymoon.  What I am suggesting is if you put up some boundaries around sex you'll discover that there are Good Men out there who want to hear from you your standards not your easiness.  If you're this easy with Bob on a date, Bob now knows for sure, whether he ever admits it to himself, how easy you are, period.  Curiously MSM spend so much time with women but don't learn from successfully partnered women---don't give it up, make him earn it.  If all it takes is attraction for you to be sexual when you report to wanting someone good and honest and loyal and trustworthy and stable---all of those characteristics can't be discovered during sex.  Character can only be observed over time.  So if you put getting to know someone's character over getting to know their rubber parts you probably won't spend as much time talking to friends about how you've been cheated on, or more drastically, sitting on a hard plastic chair somewhere wondering will the medical attendant tell you, from the test, something negative or positive.

Thank you!
Kyle Phoenix
Email your comments and thoughts to: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
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MSM Insanity #2: Gay Mommy Men

 Of all the rolling, ranting essays I've written, this one, especially when done as a workshop, always, always, always, is a grenade in the middle of the room.  Let's just dive in and see what's what though.

You've met a guy you find sexy, he's okay enough in however you measure okay (my hope is that you're taking a little time to listen for emotional, spiritual, physical, social and financial health) but as you're listening to him.  (And just to interject here, you should be listening more heads have been cracked, bank accounts drained, STD tests flunked and laptops pawned because men didn't listen to what the other man said.)  In the listening you like him but then he can't stop talking about, talking to her on his cell phone, cancelling dates, rearranging plans, selling his socks, complaining about, hinting that she abused him or worse yet, hinting that she would abuse you and at first you think the passion or the venom or the venomous passion is about some female ex of his.  But then you realize, oh, no, he's going through all of this over another woman, yes, but it's not an ex....well, not a traditional ex.

That's right, now we're just going to travel into MSM Insanity # 2: His Momma.
Now you have to listen to what LEVEL this is occurring at:

1. He tells you he's really close with his family.<<<

2. He tells you he's really close with his mother.

<<<Yellow Alert
which means you need to put the sensors on high reception.  You're listening now for degree of closeness.









3. He tells you she's his best friend.
<<<Red Alert
---The Borg have arrived.

4. He tells you they live together.  "Molly.  You in danger, girl."











Run!  
Run like hell.  
Change your name, 
dye your hair, 
get lost....
and maybe you'll be safe from them.

"B-b-but"----trembling lower lip---"a man close to his momma is a Good Man, right?" you query.
"Look at him, Kyle!!!" you shriek.  "Look at him!"

Depends.
Take out your mental measuring tape because it's all about figuring out how close they are.

If he has siblings---that's a good thing, she might not lean on him so hard.
If he's out about his sexuality to her---that's a mixed bag.

Now you have to run her through your Mental Health Sensor sweep.

Is she married?
Not married.
This has problem potentially all over it.

Does she have a job?  If she's not dependent on him then it also broadcasts his generosity and the level of fulfillment in her life.

Now if your questions keep coming back that they do the equivalent of Saturday morning food shopping together, he's her church buddy, her spades partner, they have date night, they hang out at clubs together (there's a Mommy/Son Duo at a club in Manhattan---he often wonders why he can't get a man for longer than ten seconds.  No, really, he wonders this as he and Mommy tip strippers in the gay bar several nights a week.) and she's calling/texting him while you're together----it's a wrap, order a drink, knock it back and soak up details for your relaying this mess to your friends.

But why?

Because of Nature.  Nature builds us to be children with our parents, to go through a level of adolescence with them then socially/sexually experiment in adulthood then decide whether we're going to settle down and do the whole cycle over again this time as our parents or the adults.   People might decide otherwise but it is the cycle of Nature.  What normally happens in the cycle is that a heterosexual man's mother is replaced, supplanted by the Primary Woman as the primary woman in his life, his wife.  He may still help care for and love his mother but his parents role as #1 in his life has been replaced.  His friends are no longer #1.  In fact, healthy relationships don't even place the children of the new couple as #1, unless both parties agree upon it (think when a child says something to the mother and the father points out there's a point where you, his own child, are insulting his wife, not simply the woman who is your mother).

This is all natural.

But what if he's already set her up as the competition, she's Wifey, at best you'll get to be the Other One.  But what happens to the homosexual man who a female will not arrive to supplant/replace his mother (or father---great Russell Crowe film reversing this) with?  

1. A single woman, with her single son who will never have to compete and naturally lose to a woman (because a spouse can perform at least two other physical acts no one should be doing with their mom) has a built in male companion.  And if she's single, been a single parent---a built in emotional incest partner.  Are they friends, are they parent and child, or are they playing out a sexless couple dynamic?  See why you have to listen closely?

2. Emotional incest is when Mommy is the dearest thing in his life.  The center of his universe.  The beat in his drum.  The reason why you have to take your shoes off to sneak into his room at 2am.  Or even more insanely, she can't know about you.  Or even more insanely, she (or catshit crazy HE) wants you to meet each other immediately.

If a man wants you to meet his mother in less than a month---call your mother to ward off his.  Use the Mother v. Mother lightsaber neutralization rule.  But run.  Keep running.

File this under: Too Soon.

3. You might be all that and fantastic too but you don't want a man, you, his burgeoning engorged penis and his mother all in the same energy.  You don't  want him or her planning your deep dish involvement or exit in their psychodrama.  You want time to scope him out, listening closely.  Sometimes a man is using his mother as a foil to not have to grow to the next stage of the Mating Game.  He's purposefully trying to come off as the Boy Scout good son so he never has to make a healthy inter-dependent love connection with another grown adult who will call him out on all the silly crap she's let him think was cute, adorably annoying, useful and not his responsibility.


4. The hard truth is you can't fix him.  He needs to have her in her place in his life and men in another and a healthy space in between as he seeks partnership on an adult level.  And you need to accept that unless there's been dysfunctional friction that he had to make boundaries for his own mental/emotional health around her that you want to listen to that relationship dynamic.  But you're listening for a parent in her, not a partner.  You're listening for a man who's learned great maturing lessons from his parents that he has packed into a mental bag and moved out to use as tools to build a new relationship.  You're listening for love skills that he'll be applying with you of generosity, gentleness, patience, caring and devotion that she's taught him.

5. If she truly accepts him and his sexuality, she's been preparing him for you.  She's smart enough to know that she could double her caring child pool if she lets her boy become a man.  She will back off, butt out, respect you and your rules and most importantly your relationship.  Because she'll want your relationship to succeed because she'll want her son to be happy, beyond her capacity to provide.

However, as 21st century medicine progresses, we can keep everything from an apple to human being alive for a hundred years.  You will probably meet someone who either directly then or eventually will have to have some responsibility for his elder parents' care.  This isn't the same as the Mommy Man, this is healthy and responsible and it might make sense that they share a household---BUT you want to ask and hear about aides, nurses, his parents life and friendships away from that man.  Then you'll have to decide whether to accept or not this component of the relationship, the same as you would if he had children from another relationship.  You might not immediately become Primary Relationship #1 (in fact this takes at least a year for you to work your way up the ranks---you don't want to be promoted too soon or for it to take too long---a year is a good timeframe to see if you're moving up).

Lastly, what if you're the Mommy Man?  What if you've been in the nest too long?

Pssst, Mommy can take care of herself no matter her protestations and bewilderment and occasional trip and slip on the rug to the contrary.  Your mother is not to come first after you reach adulthood.  Your past relationships have tanked because she was helping metaphorically speaking to put the condom on you while you and that special someone were getting intimate.  In workshops I tell men to remember this---no man wants to fuck a man who's fucking his mommy.  If you came from a single parent household and a level of poverty you might mistakenly adhere to a matriarchal framework that might not work for you or your potential partners.  It's not about you and mommy rocking out to the Golden Girls, it's about you having a full, healthy, normalized sexuality in spite of the fact that you're same gender loving.  Look at your siblings---the ones who have left you as your moms best gal pal as they've moved out, on and married and even divorced once or twice, had kids, taken lovers---hint, hint---they're exampling adult maturity.


Unfortunately one's mother may be the one more sympathetic to her child's sexuality but she may also unknowingly or even more frighteningly, knowingly, take advantage of the fact that our society is slowly (but surely) making a way for marriage and biological and adopted children for same sex couples.  It can be comforting to have a dedicated adult that you have the emotional upper hand over that will put up with you where another non-related adult would walk away.  But in the end, barring some odd pact, he will eventually be lonely and even more so, alone completely stunted in the skill set of how to date and mate.

And we've all seen and known him, Mommy's Man then Mommy died and now he's this bumbling, emotionally retarded, inept, introverted manchild who's a middle aged shell that's lost 20, 30, 40 years to being a parent's child and not a man's (or several men's) husband.  But creepily Mommy's life sized portrait hangs right over his bed, above the condoms and porn so that as you wander into his boudoir you can recognize Mommy might have left this plane of existence but Norman Bates style she's still in a rocking chair somewhere........


Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

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Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

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Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/