Being a man of color (or a woman) with a sexuality not wholly supported by one’s family circle, city circle, state circle and as being wrestled with now, state/federal circle, can put a level of psychological burden not a brother (or sistah). We think that burden is alleviated by going to clubs or groups or having sexual/relationships or even same sex marriages. But the initial equation of one’s self as less than as not good enough pretty much ruins a lifetime and keeps you karmically from spiritually advancing to the next level.
I came out in my late teens, in high school, and was to the point of suicidal despair at the loss of my first love---best friend/boyfriend---I came very close to taking my own life I swerved away from that path, that thinking, that emotional hole but still had to deal with my family, school and work In one of my clearest moments as a teenager when threatened by my family that I was not allowed any other sexuality but heterosexuality, I told them that would then be the last day of our acquaintance. I refused to have my epitaph read: “Here lies someone who no one else would die his death for but he allowed them to dictate how to live his life".
Following a spiritual concept, I did not incarnate for limitations, and if that meant they all had to go…well, it had been 19 years and all them weren't the most pleasant company anyway.
They backed down and I’ve lived my life. I learned that guilt is how one’s self confidence is affected by an action, by what I did. Shame though deeply roots at self-esteem and how I feel about whom and what I am. I’ve been guilty of a lot of stuff. But never ashamed of whom I am. I think in all of my turmoil that was the point where I embodied “loving myself” and realizing that self love is vicious, ruthless and capable of a roar that will rock the jungle. The last vestiges of self-loathing around sexuality vanished then---the illusions too were blown away about people and acceptance, and that self-hatred came from trying to contort one’s self to those images. That feeling never returned.
I am sovereign unto myself.
And I am not available for diminution.
I’ve kicked out (wealthy) lovers, refused abusive “soul mates” and I think ,m stayed HIV- because a decade or so ago I said no to the willing supplication to self hate.
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