Seduction, Part 2 for Shifting Tops: Separation of Sexuality and Expectations
It's a rare breed because he's not all those projections---that's YOUR movie projector playing over/on top of him as he walks across a stage.
Tops shift away from men who project so hard onto them because it's just toooooooo much, especially so soon. And more importantly it's a fantasy man projection and here's what everyone knows inside when you say something to them, whether they are those words or not. If they aren't they know whether they can fulfill that projection and for how long. Now imagine all of that occurring in a dude's head while someone is telling him this huge projection.
In a workshop recently a man said to me that it was overwhelming being a Alpha/Top sometimes because so many Betas (Bottoms/Versatiles) threw themselves at him---he didn't have to "work for it". He also felt within that maelstrom of immediate offering it suggested that they weren't vetting him beyond their projections. And while it might seem incredibly traditional an Alpha male is thinking about how easily your throw yourself at men with sexual intent. Sexual intent and flirtation are two different things. Flirtation are compliments and smiles and eye contact. Sexual intent is direct language or body movement that simulates, offers or implies sexual contact/ability. Think about grinding dancing and whether anyone points at them ad thinks of them as relationship material. No, we see them in a sexual light because that's what they're giving off. Tops shift off of that from shyness, discretion, traditional values or they might engage/use that for gratification but rarely do they settle down or LTR/date that guy.
All of this messiness of projection and perception is why Alphas/Tops can seem so mercurial and shifting---the masculine PUSH energy that Betas may do invariably isn't allowing an Alpha to lead. That might mean shutting up, flirting and not being sexual and letting an Alpha be in control. The problem might be that his speed and firmness of control will still take masculine boundaries into consideration. Men are taught in society to not be overbearing towards other men without personal permission and if there's any form of defensive or rebuff to back off because pressing forward is conflict.
This means two things, the shifting energy from a Top is him trying to figure out his seduction technique, what to do, what not to do, figure out who he's dealing with, how to be closer, how to cross some lines, how to identify the lines. From a Betas perspective this can look shifty in a negative way especially if he too is pushing energy outwards, trying to control, projecting, demanding, looking fro aggressiveness when instead he should be paying attention to the subtlety of assertiveness. (If you don't know the difference that's probably what's thrown you off in the past.)
So then how to stop shifting and how to deal with a shifter? One, I always tell Alphas to smile more, be complimentary, less evaluative and allow themselves to play and have fun with another man. If he's very much a Beta, he's suppose to be sillier than you, more effervescent and emotionally accessible. (Can you see how everyone putting on their stern warrior masculine mask leaves so many men unattached?) If you're on the other end of the seduction, give him flirtatious encouragement, light hand touches,m smiles, flirtatious eye contact and most importantly, stop trying to win. So many Betas work so hard verbally to prove they know more, are better,m can handle the world, know what they want and what men are really like that they win the conversation and lose the man. There's no shame in not agreeing with every word someone says (as long as it's not against your moral/values---say, he suggests a little pedophilia) and not having to tell them or correct them. In fact, truly seductive people hear those things and generally are wiping aside all but the biggest obstacles. It might not seem insulting but if he says he doesn't like Madonna or Beyonce and you say "What?! How could you not? What's wrong with you?"
Wrong words and tone. Who wants to be with someone who leads with criticism. And even more importantly, do you want him to be your best friend twin who loves everything you do or do you want to have a fun, sexy time with him with potential.
"But I'm not being me!" someone always brings up in workshops.
Every aspect of you doesn't have to show up in every moment. Too much baggage. Seduction is about creating an environment/feeling that overwhelms the other with positively confusing and complimentary feelings not conflict. In the art of seduction a Top wants to shift his energy to being clear about his intentions, about being in pursuit, about being the hunter but at the same time conveying being interested ad protective. You have to remember that a Beta may not have the same "defenses" that an Alpha man feels he has. A Top may also know that he has his pick of the litter but a Beta has some built in anxieties over being picked, being the one.
An assertive man can confidently assure that he'll help manage the anxiety for the man he's interested in. If you find that you can't gently and calmly assure another man that it's okay, know that those are his anxiety issues and to yours. he has to be ready to be happy and seduced and perhaps even be loved, you can't convince him if he's sure he's not worthy.
NEXT TIME: Seduction, Part 3: Versatiles, Every Which Way But Loose,
Thank you for reading,
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