Dating: Why Are You Single? The Dreaded Question, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

Dating: Why Are You Single? The Dreaded Question by Kyle Phoenix 

Don't you just hate that question when people ask it of you?  How to answer?  One, there's something judgmental under it---even if it comes from a good place.  You're such a wonderful person in so many other areas, why haven't you succeeded in the relationship area?  Secondly, it's also a way of looking at yourself and not having a clear answer about what isn't working with you.  Why can't what you are attract someone?  Thirdly, there's some judgment to your skills at relationships.  If you're so wonderful, why won't a man stay with you?

But before we go into some of the deeper answers, let's look at some of the common answers that might be rumbling around in your head.


No Good Men
There are no Good Men out there.  All of the men are hyper-sexual and cheating or not interested in being in a relationship.  Whenever people use the word "all" that's their emotional projection coming from lack of knowledge and/or past hurts.  There are an abundance of jerks in the world, get off of their cheerleader squad.  We can tackle this from several vantage points.  Let's talk about how you're always talking about a lack of good men.  A Good Man is sitting next to you and honestly, who the hell wants to convince someone they're a good person?  Or how about, if you're constantly cheering about negativity YOU are a negative force?  (Men are always talking about avoiding negativity but never self identify when they are the negativity.)  Wait, wait, wait, one more---who are you really talking about with loyalty and fidelity and emotional messiness?  If you're not on the field then yup, the loud 10% is going to look like the majority, when in fact they're the minority.  If you're such a grand catch, why aren't you out here dating, courting and LTRing, showing us how it's done?  Hmmmmm?

And lastly, it gives you something to talk about.  When you ain't got relationship/dating romantic stuff or house buying or school stuff or partner arguments, you have to talk about something right.  Here's what I'm going to suggest, men create the Wrong Man to have a man to talk about 'cause they ain't got no Good Man to brag about.  Plus, you get the added bonus of selling yourself as the victim/Good Man of your own sexuality community and what's baby-waby gonna do when all the big bad homo men tweat him so wrong!

Grow up.  Man up.  Stop conflating being a victim and a Good Man, the two won't congeal nor attract someone.  In fact once you open your mouth bad mouthing men, a smart, Good Man has X-ed you off and is being polite to find a way out of hearing more of your toxic pain drama.

Masc/Fem OBSESSION
MSM are so obsessed with the intense identification and judgment of how masculine or feminine they are in comparison to Thor and Batman and the Black Panther that they die alone.  No, really, it's that stupid.  Ask an MSM WHOM he's measuring masculinity against and listen.  A trick I use in conversations is I ask people directly: WHO told you that?  WHERE did you get that thought from?  Try it out a few times and you'll discover that most of the mantras and commandments that people take as fundamental beliefs they have no stable reasoning, logic or source for.  The pause and then the emotional consternation on their face will show you that their internal "stuff" has just been poked in the eye.

When you're really smart you understand what women have understood about men for millenia  you trade in some of your perfection list for some heightening in other areas.  If you're not smarter enough to grasp that concept then nothing I say will convince you.  So why waste my time.  More on the field for me while you're sitting at home alone with an XBox counting your invisible masculinity chips.  But what I will offer is that it is self-destructively ironic that men who demand that people "accept them for who they are and how God made them" turn around with a Nazi measuring stick for others.  Self hatred at work and a level of fear, fear at having to show up in something they don't know how to do.

I'm Not Looking For One Because.....
In all the workshops and TV shows I do that people get to interact with me, men never tell the truth.  "I don't know how."  When we look out at the world, people in passing, movies, television, books--it seems like it's so easy to get into wonderful loving relationships that men who grow up feeling different/bad.shameful of their identity don't realize the backwash internalization that occurs.  Think about being denied something that you want.  After awhile what men do is they deny that they want what they might deeply believe they can't, won't or don't know how to get.  It's how we emotionally protect ourselves from disappointment.
It's what human beings do.
Breathe.
You're a human being no matter your gender, sexuality, sex or sexual preferences.  You've learned defensive systems so early that you don't even know your shields are up.  Men in particular put up the defense screen of work---I'm looking for work, I'm invested in work, I'm busy at work----and you know what work is for men, defensive.  Why?  Work tends to tell us instantly and directly if we're doing something right or wrong.  Someone is there to correct you.  And if you do it well there's acclaim and even rewards.  Work is easier than dealing with another human being who definitely won't cheer you every time you do something well and will point it out directly when you make an error.  That's a scary prospect.  So men tend to "find/create" such busy lives that exclude have a built in intimate-feedback person.

Maybe, If, Possibly I Would If, Maybe, Possibly.....
But the truth always leaks out in comments like I'm just hooking up but if, maybe, possibly, the right one comes along.  This is a set-up for two things: one, the right one to suddenly show up grinding on your local dance floor, in line at Wendy's or on the train.  Probably not going to happen.  Fantasies keep us from looking at reality.  Two, it softens how we appear in our deep dish negativity---you ever notice, even in films, people very rarely, directly announce that they're the villain?  I often remind people in my workshops that even Hitler thought he was right and doing a good thing.  We all psyche ourselves out to support our own framework.  That's why a partner can be so frightening---because when someone first meets you and has no investment or when they truly love you---they will blow up all your shit.  To your face.  Casually.  Period.

Toss in HIV, sexual positions, lack of money, too much money, shyness, past hurts----blah blah blah blah---and you have some of the real answers to the question of why are you single?

NEXT: How To Get UN-Single! The Work, Part 2

Enjoy!!!

Thank you for reading,
Kyle Phoenix
Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com
Website: http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Blog: http://kylephoenixshow.blogspot.com/2012
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