Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 28, 2023

What is one accomplishment you are most proud of? by Kyle Phoenix

 

My mother told me she was dying but didn't want to die in Charlotte, she wanted to die in NYC where she'd been born and buried with her mother and sister. Oh, by then she'd had a leg amputated, several mini-strokes, was 250lbs at 5'2 and going on her 2nd year in a diabetic rehab because the state thought her and her husband couldn't maintains healthy habits at home. They couldn't. I'd been visiting nearly monthly and helping to bolster them financially, when finally cousins begged me to come long term.

I cleaned the house, top to bottom, took down plastic tarps and nailed blackout curtains down, pine sol, bleach, late at night incense and prayers, visited the rehab and for year tried to supplement, manage and help two insane people. Finally, I had to take stepfather to court to get money out of his control and sent to the rehab, she was about to be kicked out for $9k in arrears. Pulled together family meetings to try and reason with him. No avail.

Finally talking to my mother I understood her desire to leave. I got an extra job at Wal-Mart of all places because I could have my check directly buy stock that was increasing in value for holidays then cashed out, had savings, and adult students come down to help pack and drive truck. My mothers part was to regularly have nurses get her up, and dressed, for my visits and Sunday church services. Because she was a loudmouth I told her one Sunday we'll just go, but I need time to get everything set in two states. Two months in, she had a cancer scare, but it turned out benign. Somehow she knew stepfather was cheating on her and told me to watch him, to not go back to NYC, without her.

He and I are now regularly back and forth in court as he pulled a gun on me demanding money. I stared him down and threw him out of his house. I secretly visit NYC one weekend to get things ready here, to hire a private nurse, and talk to mentors to see if I'm really going to try this.

I had week of Xmas in mind because court action would end by then and traveling could be by plane with her in a wheelchair, and we could settle up here, have all the power of attorney and DNR done in Charlotte, filed for two months and then move.

Tuesday I'm unsure, money/stock is cashed out, I've worked crazy to have two big checks coming, nurse on call, lawyer on call, nee credit cards for student to travel under---my lawyer was like get out of NC you're home free but traveling stepfather could create drama, get NYC and you're both safe.

I'm doubting doing it. It's a lot. A lot a lot. I go to sleep and dream of five people coming to me, realize it's my grandmother, two aunts, closest cousin, and uncle. They tell me sometime you must break the rules to do the right thing. I wake up and realize that's my fear.

Saturday night, I work double shift at Wal-Mart and finally tell one little old lady I’m going, another diabetic coworker had helped me put together a supply of meds, taught me how to change adult diapers, move a large person, clean, inject insulin (a nurse at rehab I think sensed the plan or my mother said something and directly would teach me what she was doing), wash a large person, build supply bags, etc..

I'm now near diarrhea nervous but I get to the rehab at 10pm (truck packed, students helped tremendously, 1 cousin knew plan, 1 didn't) and as I am about to ask her if she's sure about leaving—— my mother hysterically begins howling not to leave her, begging, terrified, saying we'll never see each other again if I leave.

I had privately considered just moving back to NYC myself then going back for her or moving out of house and waiting madness out.

I don't know if any of you have ever had a person beg you, truly beg you in terror, pain, fear. But I was mind blown trying to calm her down as folk are coming in—-I hadn't said a word about my personal divergent plan——she sensed it. I calmed her down told her to be up and dressed for lunch/church by request like other Sundays.

Sunday morning I walked in and by midnight they thought she'd gone home for the weekend.

Monday morning a fax arrived to the rehab director of paperwork and release forms from me. Stepfather freaked out——we made local and national news as “missing”. Lawyer and I negotiated health check on her and I, days later in Pennsylvania (it became a two week road trip....we met Ashley Judd....okay she stared at me as I waved excitedly at her, wanting to talk about her Harvard and UN work...my students later pointed out AJs horrified look probably had to do with the adult diaper I was holding after park employees closed off restroom).

State troopers met us at Super 8 and together and separately they questioned us then left, deactivating "missing persons" stepfather had falsely put out. We spent two weeks making our way to NYC.

I was committed, sure I’d be in it for at least 6 more months to maybe years—- I thought as we stayed with friends till apartment was ready. I realized in hotels that no one had held her, wrapped their arms around her for years, she hadn't been in a normal bed.

Oh, we argued and laughed, and as her adult son our relationship deepened especially during twice day diaper changes and baths.

I figured we'd have a good year...she died in my arms one morning getting ready for the doctors. Her last words were I love you, Kyle.

The best thing I've ever done for someone that brought together all my ingenuity, faith, strength and patience, as much as it saddened me, or I miss her, I'm an only child, I learned then how to be a gladiator for someone else...and myself.

All the years of her pressing me not to be so introverted, to stand up to her, and my father's chess lessons (and Thomas Perry novels starring Jane Whitefield about how to travel with your own cloak of invisibility) came to head .

I feel such peace at her death because I feel like a deep karmic work agreement was between us. I'd always felt she was spiritually my child, maybe a sister, never too much mother. My godmother told me it would have destroyed me if I'd left because she would've died alone .

To know I would face hospitals, doctors, a fool stepfather, the police, the FBI, lawyers, courts and my own doubts, has done something amazing for me—-I cried, I sometimes miss her, but not all the time. I am grateful for her tutelage, but aware that she had some dysfunctional beliefs.

I am able to say, I am glad she is dead—-out of pain—-I released then, that last week, my needs, my stuff, and realized she was hanging on to get to NYC,and until I understood she was going to die, with or without my acceptance. So I accepted it.

I am someone, who even if the love meant I would lose them, would lose perhaps what I thought I wanted—-I would go to war against nations, principalities, men and governments.

And if you gave me a little planning time…I would win.

#KylePhoenix

#TheKylePhoenixShow

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

What has been the most reassuring dream you've had? by Kyle Phoenix

My mother died on a Wednesday morning as I was getting her dressed for a doctors appointment. Her last words to me were, "Kyle, I love you.". I performed CPR and within five minutes emts and firefighters were there and turned the living room into an ER. Twenty minutes later I called it, and almost a dozen people sort of whooshed out of the apartment within 15 minutes.

Before dealing with the hospital and funeral home I laid down to cry and sleep. I was asleep for about 4 hours.

In the vision was a mausoleum, crypt, gazebo in a dense woods. My mother walked out of the forest and came up and hugged me. She was in a dark dress, her hair done shoes. In life shed had a leg amputated, was obese, had lost her hair and was not in good shape visually. She comforted me and then lead me into the structure where four of my living cousins were hovering in midair, she pointed out that they had been good to her.

The next scene was light a court where she presided over my stepfather and his daughter (deep greed and lying issues) came before her and had to kneel. My godmother said that in death our spirits must answer to those we've done ill to.

A couple of days layer I dreamt that my mother was at the top corner of the ceiling, floating and I reached out for her to take me with her. The scene changed to the room sort of and us on the bed and that I had a choice. We were one one side of the chasm and there was another, a deep gash in the earth below. I chose to slide down, cross the stream of water and climb back up to another side that was a full office of my books, some I've published, others, I didn't recognize and I slowly walked out of that office/hallway, gallery.

Prior to her dying, two years before I went to live at her house, she had strokes, the amputation, she would come incessantly in my dreams to come to her. I'm talking like four nights a week, I began dreading sleep. In this reality she was steadily getting sicker and finally I went.

Two more dreams happened there I Charlotte. She was in a diabetic rehab, I was at the house. I'd taken my constitutional walk and come in to nap. My grandmother dead over 20 years came roaring to me in my dream to wake up, wake up, my mother was in danger. I jump up, rush on the bus, get there and my mother I in her bed, fine. Shed been moved, away from the pictures on her dresser including my grandmother due to a mass flooding of the unit.

2nd dream. We've decided to leave Charlotte, leave her husband, move back to NYC. But I'm still on the doubt fence, move, move an invalid, empty a 3bdrm house, transport close to 1000 miles, doctors, money, medication, travel arrangements in-between. A lot.

Its Tuesday.
We're to leave on Sunday. She says she wants to die and be buried with family , mother and sister in NY.
I'm now at 60% No, 40% Yes. Its just such an undertaking.....

I go to sleep.
I'm in a loft, like my inner sanctum in bed and five trees, beings, forms come over to me and start reforming. They tell me sometimes you have to break the rules to do what's right.
The five reform into the dead brigade.
My grandmother.
My uncle.
My oldest aunt.
My youngest aunt.
A female cousin.
They keep reiterating I must do what my mother wants.

All dead.

I woke up energized and committed, we left Sunday.

Now the dead brigade had been regularly visiting me for years as they died. I think I was to get me comfortable with death itself. To handle things, to counsel, to take action physically and spiritually.

My mother dream visits, most recently on her birthday but they e massively tapered off. And my mothers death, for a decade my greatest fear, was easy like cream. I was so accepting of her wishes and end that I thought I was crazy. I'm not sad she's dead, because she's somewhere else. I'm sometimes even glad she's gone, no longer in pain, no longer needy, no longer such a weight at me. I miss her as my friend, she was one of the top 5 smartest friends I've ever had. But I'm glad the manipulative, narcissistic person is gone too. I discovered that I too was addicted to her abuse and that therapy and terminal state shifted me to becoming the sympathetic, empathetic parent who was her companion/parent to the end. Full circle parenting between us as she'd always felt more like my sister, child than absolute parent.

I can still feel the connection that I could in life. It used to be a rope but now it feels like a thread, maybe a steel filament, strong but thin.

What I know for sure, is all that they have told me, death is a transition to another state, form, something. We can visit there as they visit here but I agree with Pragh, it feels like differing frequencies so the messaging is audio, visual, language, emotion, all at once----its a broad spectrum communication all at once.

And our dreams are the superhighway.....


#KylePhoenix

Saturday, November 3, 2018

When have you been ruthless in business and how? Answered by Kyle Phoenix


Newspaper Route & Comic Books, Literary Society and The Test Dinner Party and Corporate Drama

Newspaper Route & Comic Books
At 6 years old, I needed cash. I was fiending for it. I had a comic book/action figure Jones and my measly allowance, washing dishes and sweeping and taking out the garbage, that bullshit wasn’t working out.

I went to my mother and stepfather and explained that something had to change in this set up or I’d make their lives hell. My mother was like well, get a job or more appropriate t, start a business. I went back to my round king sized bed and contemplated what i could do on Staten Island, a business.
Once I’d gotten past drug dealer, abortion doctor and assassin I came back to her with newspapers. I could sell the Sunday newspaper to the neighbors in our building. Just like I brought her the paper in the morning and did the same for a neighbor, I could knock on doors and ask if they wanted to buy it for a slight mark up. 50%. I was young, I was cute, I could pull it off. But I needed a loan, a huge loan to get me started—-and the shopping cart. And an alarm clock. Ok, a huge loan, the shopping cart, an alarm clock and maybe a nice breakfast to get me started at 6am. And hugs, plenty of supportive hugs.

My mother wrote up a contract to loan me $5 with repayment terms that I was to pull from my profits. I was also given the rule of knock/ring the door, place the shopping cart before me and the door, never go inside.

I signed. She spotted me $5 and that Sunday I bought a wad of papers and started my invented route. I was sold out in 30 minutes. I took the profits and went and bought another round of papers and sold out of those in 30 minutes. I went and did a third time. By the time I got home that first morning, I gave back the bank—-my mother her $5 and had funding cash plus profits for the Jones I was feeding. For months I was up at the crack of dawn, knocking on doors, selling more and more papers. More profits meant I could buy more at a time—10, 20, 40 papers at a time so I could do one good trip, one good round and go back home.

My babysitter’s niece and nephew lived in the buildings up the block. They wanted to know if I would teach them, hire them. I did. I broke off some of my papers, they sold them and I paid them for every batch they sold, different than the 50% price we were reselling for. I pointed out, the more of your profit you pour back in, the more papers I can front you, the more you’ll make. I was acting as the bank, as my mother had, but they never worked multiple waves to build up their profit cache, they worked like one or two.

Then the niece, let’s call her Agnes—-Agnes says I should split the TOTAL Sunday profits 3 ways. Agnes was older and taller than me. I told her to take a deep breath and think this through. Careful, bitch, careful.
Agnes, rather threateningly loomed over me that she could just take it away. Her bother, Johnny, my age, agreed. Agnes added that unless I agreed to a 1/3 split, she and Johnny would just go buy papers themselves and sell in their buildings and not use me as a bank nor cut me into the profits (they were technically franchisees.)
I asked was she sure? Agnes haughtily said yes. Johnny yelled yes. I politely told them they were both fired and walked away.
I went home and explained this to my mother who explained that I’d done the right business thing but babysitting time might get dicey.

I went and we played and laughed that whole week and then Sunday came. I continued my route, I assumed they continued in their buildings. This went on for a few weeks until their aunt approached my mother, Agnes and Johnny had no funding capital and I’d told them they were fired. My mother explained what had happened. They were employees (at best franchisees) and had jumped out of pocket. I was the sole owner of my business, it was up to me.

I smiled politely and continued my business. I fired my first employees at 7, that still gives me a special tickle to my heart when I think about it. Agnes and Johnny, having taken on the position of employees (at best franchisees) misunderstood that they held the least power in the relationship, particularly with no financial backing. I could cut them out, fire them, wait them out, take them back or do nothing. That’s the power of being the owner.
We moved.


Comic Books and Copyright
A few years later I’m in Middle School. Again I need cash. I would visit my mother at her job at AT&T and we’d meet my stepfather and go to dinner. I would sit at a desk coloring or reading comics or doing my homework or making photocopies.
I got a brilliant idea. I would enlarge panels and make posters of comic books.
I went back to school and told all the comic geeks—-what posters do you want? 25, 50 cents, $1, $2 specialty color orders. I was doing weekly deliveries in a month, collecting cash and breaking all copyright laws.
Then we started playing role playing games but everyone wanted the game rules, campaign books—-I started copying the campaign books. I’d buy them for $6, photocopy and sell for $3,
Then I was like, we have so many original ideas. I actually came up with the Vision being merged into the Hulk!

What if we created our own comic books? Our own comic book company? Published and sold them around the country?
How to recruit? What would be the membership charge monthly?
Comic fans would send in letters to a comic and they’d be printed on the last page—-I copied them down—-on my Commodore 128 typed up intro letters and a membership form and for a measly $25 you could join!
I used the proceeds from one venture to create the other and got dozens of members. My best friend was the VP. Then he moved to Long Island. Then he got lazy. Then I fired him. By now my mother was used to explaining to parents that if their children didn’t hold up to the bargain, implied contracts, occasionally written contracts I’d created, they could be fired. Yes, she acknowledged, her son was a bit ruthless.

I learned a lot from The Wealth Choice: Success Secrets of Black Millionaires.


Literary Society and The 48 Laws of Power at A Dinner Party

Fast forward to college. The comic book amateur company had run it’s course after about 5 years. I was just writing/being a student, looking for the next opportunity. I get to undergrad SUNY, I start writing for the newspaper, the magazine, the Literature chapbooks, the graduate chapbooks. I’m on a tear. Mainly because I have a sense of my work as product and not writer angst. So I make deals with editors—-for instance the school magazine published 16 times a semester—-if they would give me three cover story slots—-I would do them, deliver, but I needed a column, ten short story slots. To the Editor in Chief it was a dream come true—-he had guaranteed content from me.

The Lit Society asked me to become an Editor and hinted, the mostly female group that had started it that in a couple of years they’d all be graduating so I could be in line to be the Lit Society Club President and Editor in Chief.

Hmmm. I’d now progressed in my entrepreneurial thoughts to OPM in business—-Other People’s Money—-using the capital of others—-namely SUNY—-and I’d long thought the University's money would be an excellent resource to experiment with.

I turn to the newspaper and I’m dropping stories to them and to the magazine and the yearly Lit Society chapbook—-there were some grumbles and upset—-back then I didn’t think it was racial or jealousy or a combination of both—-now looking back, the lack of Black students writing for the publications—-I actually pulled a friend in so there would be two of us at the magazine and newspaper —-was a factor that I was too young to completely codify. Also jealousy—-I had a huge output—-I’d started going through the Writer’s Market book and sending out 20–50 manuscripts/stories/poems a month.

(I have a blind spot about jealousy because I’m an only child so I’ve never had envious situations. I’ve also been mainly en-cultured with adults so I’ve always operated at an adult level—-applying an adult level of production, perfectionism, interest and strategy to things that younger people generally learn not find immediately natural.)

Year 3 comes around and the old guard that had started the Lit Society Club and published the chapbook are all in their Senior years and leaving within a semester or so. By the Student Government laws (we’re in April) we have to vote in a new cabinet. I’ve dutifully been an Editor for two years. There was a bit of a feminist slant to the Board, it had been created by young White women and it’s primary supporters on faculty were White female professors. I noted this but didn’t think it would be an issue as I was friends with everyone. I often forget I’m Black. And male. And tall. Call it past lives as a woman haze.

My mother though she’s chatting me up about my work, school, extra curricula moves and we’re discussing her entrepreneurial businesses and then my interest in the magazine or the Lit Society—-becoming EIC or President & EIC.

We decide that the Lit Society is where I should start first, to experiment with OPM and publishing before taking over the magazine—-and the chapbook has more freedom than the magazine.

Now there’s a 1 credit 15 slot management responsibility that comes with anyone who signs up for credit. It’s a lot but I’ve been TAing for three years by then for several professors, in fact I’m the only undergraduate TA in the history of SUNY. Normally you have to be a graduate student but since I’m 3 years older than most Freshman and have extensive work experience, I’ve been granted the position and I’m also getting a paycheck for it, eventually totaling as high as a grad student’s. Again, I’m obtuse that these might be extraneous issues to my running for President.

My mother is like race, gender, sexual orientation, your TA position, the credits, it’s all going to come up and it’s going to get ugly. Here’s what you have to do:
  • First she sends me a certificate of accomplishment, naming me as President and EIC, three months before the election. She tells me to hang it up in my apartment, to focus and visualize it coming to pass.
  • Then she’s like, make a list of everyone involved and notations about each one of them, what you know, grudges, who they like and dislike—-files on everyone.
  • Then she’s like you need leverage—-it’s essentially a popularity contest—-due to race and maleness and spite, I’m not going to win just based on capability, I have to stack the deck.
All elections take place on say the 2nd Friday of April. But by the 1st Friday of April all school clubs have to have spent up their entire budget for the year (anywhere from $500 to $10,000) or have it committed in signage/promissory notes for the SUNY office to pay (say you order jackets for your club for graduation—-the check might not need to be cut until the last week of April for the jackets to be made and delivered by the 2nd week of May but the money must be spoken for).

Now the chapbook had been paid for once a semester, it cost $1000 to print several hundred copies but the budget of the Lit Society was always about $250 a semester—-they had to beg these professors to write checks—normally their supporting White female teachers.

I explain all these machinations to my mother and she’s like that’s where you have leverage. We talk about all the people I know, and because I’m a TA, I know students from all class levels and lots of groups that they belong to. Go to those clubs, the last week, when everyone HAS to get their budget to zero or the SUNY review assumes they gave them too much money and lessens their new year budget. Catch them a few days before the deadline and clubs will sign off on giving you thousands of dollars.

Which is what I do. Now I have a stack of signed promissory notes for thousands of dollars for the coming year, more than the Lit Society has ever raised before—-the LGBT club, The Black Student Association, Fraternities, Latin Association, the Chess Club!
But I tell the clubs that the Board meeting/election is happening early, the Thursday before the deadline, if I don’t become President—-I’ll tear up all the promissory notes but I’ll redirect all the monies to other clubs I work with.
Deal.

The Lit Board meeting begins—-a guy who was desperately trying to seduce me warns that not everyone likes me. he was White, I should’ve known, ready to roll over and die—-no spine……glad I never let him touch me.
The President, let’s call her Chastity, suggests something that in 5 years has never happened, after everyone announces their interest in positions. (I’d locked up the other positions—Closet Guy for VP, a young lady for Treasurer and another guy for Secretary—-it will be a new clean Board to start off with.)
Chastity says she'll stay President for another semester, though technically she’s graduating in May, and then I can become President in January of the following year. For January to April. I ask if in the 5 years of the Lit Society existing has this ever happened or been done before? They all admit no.

Then out of left field, a girl we shall call Jane jumps out at me that I need to be quiet and stay in place and not forget they started this and they’ll structure it as they will, even as they leave. (Amazingly, completely justifying some social experiment, Jane had been the nicest to me over the years and I’d never seen her so…venomous. Most tellingly, no one came to my defense.)

I politely look over my left shoulder, then my right shoulder. There’s a room full, maybe 25 people and I ask her: “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to in that tone?”
Then I rip her a new one, sideways, in Latin, with a double axle twist.

Five minutes later when I’m done with her, she actually ran out of the room crying.

I turn to the rest of them and I say:
  • I’ve put in the years as an Editor, supporter, etc,
  • I have more than enough experience, in fact I’m more qualified than them to run the credit granting aspect
  • and over qualified than any of them to manage a business and I will not settle for a halfsies Presidency.
  • Oh, and I have thousands of dollars , I slap the promissory letters on the conference room table, that are attached to me as President. The letters are commitments to me. I’ll take them/the cash, thousands of dollars to another club. And they, whomever is left from this shit show can beg yet another year for crumbs and crackers.
  • And, as you can see, I don’t take shit from anyone. I’ll shoot a kitten in the face if it comes at me the wrong way.

Chastity says they have to vote now.

We cast our ballots and step into the hallway where a couple of people tell me I went too far cutting Jane a new one, she’s one of the original members/creators, I poisoned the waters. I reply that I’ll be a strong president and strength doesn’t take shit from anyone, no one, no matter position I have or don’t, gets to disrespect me like that.

A true leader must be a balance of compassion and ruthlessness so that you are capable of both helping and protecting those around you; if they saw me kowtow to her they would know that one, I was weak and two, I couldn’t protect them when the time might come.

(Three, bitch had it coming. If you can’t ride, don’t get on the horse. My mother was calling from her house in teh mountains but also from our apartment in Brooklyn. G’wan, blood clot with the bullshit. Don’t bring none, won’t be none! We don’t play that kind of mouth-smack in Crooklyn. She lucky I wasn’t a girl like her, might have tied up my dreds and gone across the table……..)

The Vote Is In
We go back in.
By an overwhelming vote, I’m voted in as President and EIC.
I warmly thank everyone.
They ask me my plans—-I open my leather portfolio—-because I’d been able to talk to the VP, Treasurer and Secretary candidates, they are the ones I wanted and I have some ideas……
  • One, we won’t be dependent on begging professors to pay printing bills, I’ve covered that with the money my name has obtained.
  • Two, I’m going to change the printing schedule and size of the chapbook. I have some bigger marketing ideas for the singular rather than two chapbooks we’ll produce.
  • Three, we’re going to hold more events—-poetry readings and such.
  • Four, I’ve got some other professors on-board who’ve wanted to be involved for years but it was a little too heavily feminist for their tastes—-we’re going to democratize and expand to include all colors and orientations.
  • Five, but first I want to personally thank everyone with a gift to them all.
Out of my portfolio I pull out the next stage in my mothers plan—-beautifully printed invitations for a dinner party in 2 weeks at my house with a full banquet meal prepared by me.

“For all of the hard work you’ve all done over the years, I want to given the graduating, exiting Board/creators a grand send off. And for everyone else, rather than just the cookies and soda one time event, I want to give them all a beautiful dinner for all of their hard work and commitment.”

Did I mention my mother was a psychology major at Baruch?

Scene shifts to my rushing upstairs to the office, calling her long distance, we did it! She asks did I hand out the invitations? I say yes. I’m putting in the voucher now for the food from Wegman’s. (Yes, my first official act was to pay for all of this with OPM. I’m no fool.)

Now the design of the dinner party is simple, a psychologically ruthless trap she’s devised. Everyone who has honestly worked hard will attend the party, those who haven’t, subconsciously, they won’t be able to. I’m like—-nah, old woman, you’re crazy, that will never work.
Two weeks later—-I’ve prepared a feast, enough food for 40 people.

Slowly people start milling in. None of the old Board arrives—-except for Jane who has apologized for her attack. And honestly, she had worked tirelessly on the whole club. All of my Board shows up. Plus the new people I’ve brought in. But only Jane and another young lady of the old guard. Interesting.

By the end of the evening, my mother’s ploy had proven who were the hard workers, the loyalists, the malcontents.

I went on to really experiment with the club, throwing galas at the Art Gallery—-a beautiful glass four story design; shifting the chapbook to free for SUNY folk but expanding it to being for sale through bookstores throughout the city to generate revenue back in to pay for the future expenses and getting more monies in from clubs who now feel included in the chapbook, etc..
The Treasurer had to go to Australia for an internship, but still needed the 2 credits, could we work something out? Sure. We agreed that I could sign off as the President and as the Treasurer and she got her credits. The VP was a fool who I never pressured to come in to meetings, just gave him his credit to get rid of his uselessness, but I held his vote/power; the same for the Secretary. Benevolent dictatorship.

In Sum….
What I learned was the machinations of power, leverage, ruthlessness and OPM and the psychology of power. To her credit, my mother predicted a lot of their actions and reactions and helped solidify what my strengths were and paying attention to my blind spots. Her own entrepreneurial and management strengths were focused through me as a learning lens. I doubted her tactics but her strategy was sound.


Frankly, they (from childhood to college…I haven’t even told my corporate intrigue tales of ruthlessness) never had a chance.

When I reflect upon it, it was like she was a puppet master and orchestrating how I could get into power.

Secondly, when I got a copy of the 48 Laws of Power, it was like old hat. Between her and my father, they had taught me so many tactics—-the velvet gloved claw—-to plan several steps ahead—-to not tolerate public attack—-to be magnanimous (I accepted Jane’s apology—-I never forgot her attack though and made sure that I quietly but succinctly eliminated her from contact, control, influence…with a smile and often asked her “advice”. She’s gone on to be a published author and teacher—-I also keep an eye on people through social media.)

Once, years later, I used similar tactics, and I shifted an entire national organization through deft moves, for the better, I hope. I think of ruthlessness as neutral, like capitalism. There are times when emotion has to be put aside, when there is a greater good or just a greater prize to be had.
I’m a good person, I’m not a nice person.

There are times though when I’m oblivious to discrimination by gender, sex, sexual orientation and I’ve had to quickly surmise and act to offset attack, smeared reputation, exit myself from insane professional situations…and make it look like fate, chance, the other person’s idea.
Have I hurt people?

I suppose so. I am a force in life, I expect that I’ve hurt people that I’m both aware of and not aware of. There were some that was darkly intentional and others that were unintentional.
But here’s where I differ in two respects—-I take full responsibility for my actions and I always tell adversaries to their face what I will do, have done. I don’t play passive aggressive games, I don’t pretend, I don’t shrug innocently.
I look you dead ass in the face and say,
“Yeah, I fucking did it to you. Merry Christmas. Smooches.”


Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
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Saturday, August 11, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers:How do you want to remember a lost loved one during the holidays?

Image result for mother and son

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers: How did the personality of your loved one change following a stroke in their brain?


My mother was more effusively loving----Announcing constantly, "I love you.". & "Hold my hand!" & "I'm scared." Most emphatically. It was like the conscious filter on emotional overwhelmed was a much thinner psychic membrane.

She'd had over several years several unnoticed micro strokes that built in affecting severity. But because she chose to not exercise, was reclusive and obese and a hypochondriac from diabetes and heart disease it was difficult to ascertain. She and my stepfather wanted a magic pill to make the pain, illnesses go away, not lifestyle changes prescribed by doctors or a 30 day diabetic rehab I offered to pay for, much as they had been as substance abusers before sobriety.

She was just as manipulative, maybe more because she became bedridden. I confronted her with this as a halo of sanctity falls around the ill. In fact I was ironically the one she wanted present the most at the hospital because I was the most unabashedly direct with her and others. I once threw the nurse out of the room to curse my mother out for her ill treatment of the hospital staff.
Her subtle, intellectual manipulation became more infantile and direct and self serving.
But when she accepted there was greater value in being forthright, honest, admitting fears, I was able to do a form of counseling with her. I'd done a lot of teaching and educational counseling and was shocked at how adeptly it transferred to communication between us.

I estimate she lost motor skills about 25% and cognitive skills about 15%. Her memory loss was within a handful of years, presumably micro stroke periods but her cognitive processing, language and long term memories were reasonably intact. By that I mean each deficit affected each area so she could speak but rapid, multi person conversation was occasionally overwhelming. Frustrated she would breakdown into a childish ugly crying jag that was part real, part performance. Deeply ironic she became like my child and we had conflict on her having to accept she could be consultative but no longer my controlling parent.
Oh and my stepfather was a low IQ asshole she literally bought years ago so that she could have a man servant or servant man. She was a psychology major who chose him over a very attractive, ambitious slightly younger employed man because he was homeless, ten days out of jail and his mother had died at 13 so she intentionally did the psychological transference work on him so he'd never leave her. And he wouldn't. Eventually she left him because he was making a mess of her terminal time and cheating.
She had often admitted to me that she tried to play the two of us against each other but it only worked on him. She lovingly said she should've built more trapdoors into my psyche.
Pat, full cylinders, I'm one of few people who could get a shot at her. Think Olivia Popes' mother, Maya. Yes, my mother was briefly in radical political groups and yes, my father is so much like Eli Pope its like watching an alternate universe of my biological parents.
Which is why the effusive loving and hugging was so startling .
But she was still in there.....
I wheeled her out to a church grounds and park one Sunday to break to her that my stepfather had jumped the shark and I was going to have to deal with him in order to maintain the financial and resource stability to take care of her.

Without missing a beat, she said:"You're going to kill him?"
I replied, "No, Old Woman! Why do you always go there?! Why can't people just deal with problem people legally in your world?"
"Takes too long," she laughed. "Hold my hand."
I called her Old Woman since I was 15.


Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com




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Monday, July 2, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers: I suspect my mother is a narcissist. She never listens to music and has never had any interest in it. What does this mean?



As music is a self, spirit, soul filler I would correlate her inner sense of emptiness to not wanting an external reminder of the disconnect.
Music probably directly points out the emptiness to her so she avoids it. Just as a thought, it's really fascinating.

Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com




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Sunday, June 24, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers: I suspect my mother is a narcissist. She never listens to music and has never had any interest in it. What does this mean?




People mistake narcissism for being full of ones self, in truth it's a deep psychological emptiness craving filling.
As music is a self, spirit, soul filler I would correlate her inner sense of emptiness to not wanting an external reminder of the disconnect.
Music probably directly points out the emptiness to her so she avoids it. Just as a thought, it's really fascinating.

Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com





You can Like or; Follow Us on Facebook or;Twitter

Or Click Below to:
·                     Kyle Phoenix Website
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