I think it’s broader because of how we’re socialized. I agree that women see multiple things in and from men which is why women mating with men, tends to include physical attractiveness as a lesser component, while men into men, rate it higher.
Women see men as validators in society—-men and women in a patriarchal society gain points, status by having a husband/wife.
Two gay guys are two guy's being gay with one another—-they don’t increase in power exponentially, perhaps they double as two men but then they lessen as two gay guys. Think of Hetero Man as 100% and Gay Man, depending upon the country/laws as 40% to 85%. Male, a man, but not as “valuable” as a hetero man—-to hetero men or women.
Women also see men as partners, potential parents to their children, protectors and leaders, and in some form, necessary. for stable procreation.
Men into men see men differently and find the most conflict when they try to place the structures of how women deal with men, onto those non-hetero men—-which is why so many are ironically single and have trouble pair bonding. Men into men, have heterosexuals as role models for intimacy bonding.
Men who are into men, see men sexually, generally first or more subtlety, through compatibility.
Yes or No.
More men would meet more men if they would follow, as I do Patti Stanger’s advice—-
The Pecker Rule:
- When you see him do you want to fuck him/be fucked by him?
- Does your pecker like him?
The reason why something so blunt is helpful is because socialization teaches us as boys and then as men, to be, in non-heterosexuality, repressive, hidden, passive, non-direct. Heterosexuality teaches men and women how to hunt for mates. There’s no male taught hunting techniques for men for men because at least half of the potential partners for men—-are veiled, hidden, don’t know their sexuality or are hiding it.
Me, My Class Group and Joe Kort at Columbia
The real work of being a non-profit coordinator who is trying to maintain a program is constantly designing new and intriguing programming that satisfies the funders, your supervisor and engages the clients. I was responsible for a Youth LGBTSGL group, aged 14 to 27 and an all men’s group aged 18 to 80, which met a total of 2 and 1 time (s) per week, respectively, for at least 100 to 200 individuals. The taxing part is maintaining variety so I was always scouring universities, other agencies for events.
- Joe Kort, author of several books about gay men, was coming to Columbia University—-10 blocks away from the non-profit I was working at——CHECK.
- Free attendance—-CHECK
- In the evening on the Total Men’s group night-CHECK
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
- Registration of Guests was needed a week beforehand because the university was supplying an Indian dinner buffet for the WHOLE lot of attendees. CHECKKKKKKKKK!
I signed up 30+ of my group members AND the agency provided MetroCard's so all I had to do was have a set number, register them all, give out the free ones, and then swipe them onto the bus that delivered us right to Baird Hall in 5 minutes.
(This is literally a Coordinator’s wet dream)
Further, Joe, like myself, had studied and was teaching/counseling/applying the Imago therapeutic technique. The system is designed by Harville Hendrix and is specifically designed so as to be inclusive of all genders and sexualities.
Wait for it…….
The Joe Kort seminar was in April. I’d been teaching week by week, chapter by chapter, the Imago system to my Men’s group since January!!!!!! CASINO COORDINATOR JACKPOT!!!!!!!!!
They walked into that huge lecture hall like All Star Players because they had a deep understanding of the psychological-academic text that Kort was presenting. They knew it so well—-that during a break, Kort pulled me aside and asked not only who I was but who were these 30+ Black men from 18 to about 65, who knew Imago studies, back and forth?
(I’ll add in here as a reality aside that when we arrived, there were about 40 other men, primarily gay and White, and about 30 of them left when Kort started his exercises. yes, not so subtle racism and intimidation. But my guys joyously jumped in with him leading us through exercises.)
One exercise was to line up in parallel lines and then walk over to someone who you found sexually attractive.
Having known the men for years at that point, I knew that there were sexually active men in the group but they had trouble with the activity—-admitting who they liked, who they were sexually attracted to. This didn’t mean you had to do anything but just that act, in a group familiar with themselves and each other, flummoxed the men—-that was interesting, but they were able to do all of the exercises, primarily because they were so familiar with the Imago work.
(The point of the exercise was to show/ascertain truth of what non-hetero men felt-desired and what they publicly expressed—-the dissonance creating internal and social confusion and frustration.)
He did further exercises about the kinds of eye contact that exists—-6, but gay men only using 2–3.
The Six Are:
- Flirt
- Flight/Flee-Fear
- Fuck
- Fealty
- Friendship
- Fight
What he taught us was that gay men in particular only use Fight, Fuck, and Fealty (Loyalty to close intimates) but were often missing Flirt—-and because we lacked practice with Flirt, we had trouble bonding. We had something close, Cruising to Fuck but not gentle, playful, complimentary Flirt. Women learn to master Flirt which is a signal of interest so gay men are often not aware of who is interested in them except to Fuck. Which is why they congregate so much in gay bars/clubs—-because it’s easier to decode attention.
One of the things I do is I comfortably and casually Flirt eye contact with men, women, children, animals. Where you make gentle eye contact of acknowledgement and compliment or gently tease. it’s not to get to Fuck. It’s to get to Friendship and Fealty.
Which also conversely explains how gay men can perceive visual attention as not just Fuck but also intensity to Fight, which they respond with Flight/Flee or a visual look of Fear
Gay Men-First Reason: High Beams
Gay men are often conveying Fuck to other Gay men but the truth of how all of us get to Fuck is that Flirt helps tremendously. If a man doesn’t know how to Flirt, to signal to another man—-I think you’re attractive—-it doesn’t mean I want to Fuck you, then he is constantly feeling barraged by Fuck eye fucking and energy. And he responds with Flight/Flee-Fear.
This responds to the question now: gay men project Fuck more, treat men as Fuck—-or think of it like HIGH BEAMS—-because Flirt is a learned subtlety. And therefore only know how to interpret Fuck eye contact not subtle Flirt.
Gay Men-Second Reason: Personal Truth
The second overarching reason why men project more sexualization to other men is because non-hetero boys to men, grow up—-suppressing, hiding, veiling, closeting—-their true sexual attractions from childhood to teen years to sometimes decades longer for social, physical, financial and familial survival reasons.
This goes into the reason why gay men lie so much to themselves and to others because they’ve been lying at least 10–20+ years since puberty to everyone around them for survival. Lying then becomes second nature as a protective measure. Which is really what we mean when we say someone is Out—-we don’t mean just their sexual desires, positionality, but that they are telling a truth. There still might be discretion and personal privacy but the man is telling his truth about who he truthfully is. DL, not Out, closeted men are veiling, a polite term I invented in workshops, but in truth, lying.
Gay Men-Third Reason: Belief System
Everyone remembers growing up, through puberty and the social pressure of burgeoning sexuality and losing one’s virginity—-from a heterosexual framework.
Until recently—-say the last decade with the inclusion of the internet allowing young men and women to find same sex partnerships online/in their general area—-non-hetero identity was not only a veiled survival secret but if you did find like minded people, it was still socially veiled, like finding a thread of gold in the riverbed. At some point you recognized that you’re surrounded by heteros who were having flagrant sex/sexuality—-including school, movies, TV, your family, friends, etc. so your same sex connection was precious, one in a hundred or even thousand in-person encounters.
I was just talking to a colleague the other day about a retreat the entire agency took 60+ of the men to in Pennsylvania and how it turned into a sexual drama circle because they scattered from attending the 8 hour a day workshops (Big Pharma companies paid for the retreat) and quite a few of them clogged the pool and jacuzzi drains with both fluids and prophylactics there was so much after midnight sexual activity.
At the follow week’s staff meeting and retreat autopsy, I suggested, from the 200+ men I was teaching/counseling a week—-that one, we were ignoring what being men in close quarters does—-raises testosterone levels—-which is why there were actual fist fights and high sexual activity. What we should do instead is hire a group of professional sex workers, meet with them at the retreat (and go to specific gay campus retreats) and talk to them about our schedule and being sexual with the clients. Don’t tell the clients about the professionals—-they would just be the Professional Cupcake Men Association at the resort the same time as us—-and they would be the professional sexual workers outside of our clients, disappearing when workshops were in progress, engaging the men in whatever they liked. One, they’d all be attractive and sexually available and if we did equal or more numbers, this would dissipate competitive drama. This would diminish the sexual energy by dealing with it because it would satisfy the drought so many gay men were going through.
The drought of their sexual activities—-sex in public bathrooms, in public parks, with hustlers, endangering them selves and practicing unsafe sex.
The agency balked and even squawked.
I pointed out that the underpinning of this extreme sexual activity was that they were all attracted to one another, it was the testosterone and the false idea that it imposes of Now or Never.
(Ironically about a year later in my researching through materials about sex and sexuality I actually found a retreat that occurs in California and regularly does exactly what I suggested. yes, White and mainly heterosexual/bisexual but with a recognition towards healthy sexual outlet. Yes, there is a whole point in here, the agency about being deeply HIV safe sex funded by the CDC but being healthy sex adverse though many of the staff were HIV+ and did insanely rampant and self destructive drugs and sexual activity. Further, I decided to leave because the CDC/Dept. of Health in or in-service trainings for the staff explained that Coordinator work at such agencies was the profession with the highest HIV infection rate across the country, because we saw HIV positivity naturalized, lived with daily so we normalized it. I looked around and realized with the exception of me and three other employees—-80% of the staff were HIV+ and went and freshened up my resume. I realized the behaviors/staff/clientele of the agency were affecting my sex mindset more than not.)
Gay men are often hypersexual because of repression as a sexuality that then finds an outlet—-in a club, in a bath house, at a retreat, and sees other men as “attractive enough” to get off with. If you find 10 men attractive every single day and 1 offers to blow you, because you’ve had Pecker Flags up 9 times, you’re more likely to accept him, even if he’s a 5 on your scale of 1 to 10.
Gay men, not having the risk of pregnancy, are able to be more sexual with men who agree to be sexual with them from a sense of Now or Never, brought upon by testosterone. Gay men have less dangerous reasons to vet men through—-disease yes, but not pregnancy, loss of reputation, etc..
This is also a repercussion of a socially repressed sexuality, in workshops and even personally I’ve had to counsel or correct men to calm down, slow down, relax—-they were treating sex as the LAST SEX THEY’D EVER HAVE. or some near comparison. Because their sexuality had been socially suppressed, there were confusions and confusions in finding sexual partners or they were sexual droughts. Gay men are often closest in psychology to involuntary hetero celibates—-except their animosity, fear, resentment and ager is at both men AND society for suppression in their formative years, repression in their adult years and then in a larger gay community, social suppression due to lack of attractiveness (i.e. no fats, no fems, etc.).
Gay men are then turned on more because the entirety of half of the population falls into their sexual spectrum and men tend to socialize/work more with men than women. Women tend to socialize more with women, though men are still present, but women are taught as girls, by women/their mothers, to both fear and vet men—-so women learn how to rank men faster than gay men learn how to rank men.
I’m not saying that all gay men find all gay men attractive, what I am saying is that biologically, first testosterone presence enhances testosterone which is our sex jet engine fuel.
And two, the social inhibitions taught to all men, thereby including the ones who will be non-hetero, is less inhibitive towards men because of the assumption of heterosexuality. So non-hetero men are immersed, constantly in men-testosterone.
The way women and non-hetero men relate to men on several levels is fundamentally different and seeking different outcomes.
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenix
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