Target Rich Environments.
When I teach workshops to MSM on dating and relationships and finding men, we discuss where they go and don’t go regularly.
You have to look at it as an ongoing project, understanding that it is a numbers game in the sense that what I’ve found generally speaking is you have to date 100 men—-or make an effort towards that number—-you need a large pool.
- Online sites—choosing two or three and create profiles. Know this—if you pay (like Match) then generally speaking the quality of man increases. Free sites mean that it’s more heavily populated by men who want what they want—-for free. A man willing to pay is saying something about his level of commitment—-especially if it’s a dating site. He’s putting more effort in.
- Night clubs—-go to a few but be specific about what you like and don’t like. if you like to dance find a place, with a great dance night and go dance nights—-not every night. Dance nights, once or twice a month. There are lounge bars, game nights, sports nights. Choose one kind of event that you like and go but just for that kind of truly enjoyed event. The trick to this is that you’re going when YOU like it when you’re most comfortable and happy. I used to go to the night club near me in Manhattan on lounge nights—-and I’d sit and handwrite books. Two for 1 drinks, go-go dancers, maybe 20–40 people in the whole place, but I got to be relaxed, chat folk up, get my work done and people got to see me being happy—-writing—and being friendly with staff as I was a regular.
- Professional groups—-there are several LGBT professional and business groups and the Chamber of Commerce groups here in NYC that I regularly attend. I try to go to one every week or so—26–52 events a year. They also always offer something new—-I just went to a Wine tasting one last week. I’m not a wine drinker but I went, Met lots of great people and have several business cards for work-related stuff.
- Gay cruises—I have yet to try one of these but I want to.
- Gay City activities—-I see lists for sporting events, exercise, I’m joining a boxing gym; wine, art, museum, etc. a host of places.
Specify What A Date Is
Women to hetero men create a social system for dating. MSM generally don’t have or immediately know one. You must have a dating system. By this, I mean that you will go to places and meet men, yes. That’s not so difficult but you must let them know, kind of like the price tag on an item in a store, what your “cost” is. If a man can meet you and fuck you within a few hours, your “cost” is low. Now sometimes you might be willing to fuck a guy and he fucks you, and very little value is exchanged. But then you might want to meet someone and go out places and do things and get to know him and get to be known. You want to be appreciated and enjoyed and perhaps that will lead to love.
You must set a standard.
When you FIRST meet or chat online with a guy use the word Date and specifically what date is to you.
Date: We meet/chat online for a week, exchange numbers, chat briefly—less than 15 minutes for phone calls, and then make plans for a date. A Date is a meal and an activity. Dinner is best because a drink or lunch are like job interviews. Dinner is a commitment. You get dressed, I get dressed, we both arrive at a nice restaurant within our mutual budgets (whoever asks, pays. If you’re looking for love, you will pay probably more often at first. He might pay on the 2nd or 3rd date. Women learn how to pursue, MSM lay back like lazy lions. Proactive lions get the man they want.)
The Date occurs at the restaurant and you maybe go to an activity—-a movie is difficult because it might be two hours of relative silence or if it’s action or thriller then hormones are incensed. Figure something out—-the internet, Time Out magazine—-find a fun activity that allows you to do something, watch, talk.
Then thank him for a great time, get into your car/onto your train and go home. No, he doesn't need to drive you home. Create both separation and tension.
MSM don’t know how to seduce, to be interesting, attractive and not sexual immediately—-because of the absence of women. Women are taught not to put out, to proof the guy they see, to create reasonable hurdles and boundaries.
But here's the power of going on 100 Dates—-you learn to put up boundaries, date, find activities, enjoy meals, budget out paying to your personal budget, ask guys out, gauge your own interest. Like everything in life, you have to practice.
Dr. Pat Allen, an amazing relationship therapist suggests 90 days of no sexual contact, just dating before having sex. Most MSM balk. Most of them balking are single. Women don’t balk. In 90 Days' time you get to see a man completely—-good days, bad days, how much you like or don’t like him, etc.. Your intense sexual interests have time to cool and allow your reasoning to take place.
I can tell you having personally experimented with this from all sides: Sex, No Sex, 90 Days, After 90 Days, Fast Relationships, LTRs, etc. that 90 Days clears everything up. It really, really does.
100 to 10
The ratio is about 1 in 10 men that you date will you find a mutual attraction with. However, only about 5 of them will be available to an LTR for a variety of reasons, some of his, some yours. The most interesting part about this dating scenario is that you'll become better at not just going out on dates but at choosing men to date so you’ll naturally winnow your ratio down to better choices, potential winners instead of wading through Not Rights or Duty Dates.
Duty Dates though are valuable in that you get practice dating, you get to learn about restaurants and activities, you come to understand what you like and don’t like and why and you get feedback from other men about yourself. But most importantly they aren’t the loves of your life. They’re guys, perhaps even friends. I’ve made several good friends who were originally Duty Dates. There wasn’t chemistry but friendship blossomed. And a friend always knows someone else who might be of interest….
Treat It Differently
Treat it like job hunting. Where you lay out a plan for the next couple of years—-what else were you doing? World peace? Negotiating nuclear disarmament?
MSM always acting like they ain't got time for an investment in themselves.
Invest time in yourself.
No one on Earth has ever said that they invested in themselves and it was a bust.
Masculine/Discreet, Discrete, Not Out
Here’s a heads up.
If someone tells you they’re masculine acting.
They are acting. It’s in what they just told you.
We’re all masculine and feminine—-get rid of measuring that. In fact make it a point to go out with an effeminate man on a date, several times. What most MSM are saying is they are afraid of being outed by the company they keep.
Here’s my answer to MSM in workshops: most of us ain’t paying attention to you, your date most of the time in public. We might notice but move on. If you’re in a place where someone is going to get in your face—stop going to those places on gay dates.
If he’s all about the discreet, discrete, Not Out-ness, I always ask who are you being discreet from? Who's watching you, checking your behavior, etc.? If you’re going through all of that, you’re not ready to date, be in an LTR, love. Drop him fast. Also if someone says they’re not Out to their family then you have to accept, for whatever his laundry list of reasons, he’s a liar. He’s lying to those nearest and dearest to him—-of course he’ll lie to you—-he’ll lie to you about HIV, STIs, seeing others, money, everything.
It’s vicious but you sometimes have to be vicious to protect yourself, your heart, your future.
Everyone wants an honest, loyal man—-he can’t be that if he’s discrete, discreet, Not Out—-by the very definition he’s lying in commission or omission.
Doing The Work
Everyone wants love but no one wants to do the work on themselves to be attractive. Being attractive means being your best, fullest most purposeful self. When you're popping on all cylinders with work that enriches you emotionally, a practice of art, moving your body, meeting people—-you BECOME more attractive. Then all you have to do is put yourself into target-rich environments, look good, smell good and smile.
He’ll find you.
Women Confuse Men Looking for Love
I think as a harshly blunt aside, so many MSM are bottoming and therefore have an affinity to women in the sense that they see how women simply kind of stand around and men are constantly flocking towards them. There’s an estrogen similarity, an emotional affinity between some MSM and women, but not a social license or privilege. So MSM are like—-where’s my social privilege for being receptive (penetrable) desirous of me?
In workshops, men often voice this frustration and of course by population numbers and such it’s difficult to balance this out. Also, men tend to hide their feelings and interests and deeper feelings and vulnerabilities—-sexuality being something of that mix—-so you have to go where men are safe being their sexual selves and then weed out from that pack. The larger society pack around us is not readily conducive to this discernment.
Yes, Of course, I’ve written a book about this. Good Men for Men: Finding Keeping and Being loved by one, available on Amazon and in Barnes & Noble.
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
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