Hysterical Bottoms and Uncaring Tops

 You're a Top or maybe you're a Bottom or maybe you're rocking being Versatile or some variation and that's wonderful.  You've been sexual for awhile and you've started to find that there's a common thread through the men you're having relations with.  The Bottoms seem emotionally crazy and the Tops seem detached from anything but the sexual act.  This is both normal and a condition related to your sexuality or more importantly, its a condition related to the genders involved in your sexuality.  

When two men get together beyond simply the physicality (covered in my other blogs on here) there is also an emotional and spiritual component.  Let's apply the Chinese concept of chi or even more indepthly, yin and yang, to gender or more appropriate to the kinds of men you might encounter or might be.  

There are Alphas (more masculine because of heavier testosterone production in their bodies) and there are Betas (due to heavier levels of estrogen production in their bodies).

Alphas being Yang, the masculine principle, mostly Tops, sometimes Versatile.

Betas, being Yin, the feminine principle,  more so Versatile or  mainly Bottoms.

Let's just for genetic clarification, go with the Swainn theory from researching thousands of homosexual men that 15% of homosexual men are Alphas and 85% of homosexual men are Betas.

(When I do the Alpha/Beta workshops in person, men literally rail and fight and protest over their personal choice Q & A that allows us to answer which one they fall into.  They fight, oh, how they fight.  And this is the society mindfuck.  Homosexual men desperately want to be Alphas.  Desperately.  Like in a Barney's last sale kind of rushing way.  And yet, inevitably they're not.  This goes all the way back to your social issues, masculinity obsession and inadequacies, manhood issues and inadequacies, Mommy and Daddy issues, manhood issues, blah, blah, blah.  The rest of this is for the men who are mature enough to accept Nature and want to know how to be happy.)

Now we have some reference points for how men can be similarly sexually inclined but have different genetic dispositions that alter how they emotionally relate to sex.

For instance an Alpha would put sex into two distinct categories:

1. Throw Away Fucks/Fuck Buddies/One Night Stands 

2. LTR/Marriage Material Partners;

Betas would have categories of:

1. One Night Stands That Might Turn Into Something More

2. Fuck Buddies Who They Might Want As LTRs

3. LTR Potentials (they might be trying to use sex and dating to get commitment)

4. LTR Partners (who they might have extracurricular sexual activities with others separate from)

Just from that breakdown can you see how so much disparity can occur between Tops and Bottoms (Alphas and Betas)?  There's a multitude of permutations of what sex means to a Beta because estrogen gives access/facility to emotions, particularly around connection, pointedly during sex where oxytoxins, the emotional/sex bonding/intimacy chemical, are released in estrogen based people.  An Alpha is having a One Night Stand and because of the sexual connection, a Beta is having a One Night....with Potential....of maybe an LTR....into an LTR Partner.  Boom!  Miscommunication and judgment.

Now let's consider the elements of Yin and Yang.  How can we use Chinese spiritual philosophy to deal with the desire to be sexual, to be in relationships, and to have the third option of discerning how to communicate about wanting or not wanting, either?

Let's consider the mechanics of homo man sex: a Top is inserting their penis into a Bottom's rectum.  But what's occurring on an energetic level?  A Top, Yang based energy, is inserting---injecting---Yang energy into a receptor, a Yin based, person.  The Tao teaches that homosexual men must consider positioning in relationship to energy, their own, particularly taking responsibility for their energy.  When a Top is having intercourse they are putting in Yang energy and the Bottom is receiving it but like a battery, the energies are compatible when mixed but must be recirculated.  Yin and Yang energy always seek harmony and balance.

An Alpha (Yang) is inserting masculine based energy, power, dominance, assertion, protection, possession, guardianship, envelopment.

A Beta (Yin) is to channel back caring, emotionality, balance, harmony, acceptance, receptivity, love, fun, joy, peace, relaxation.

Okay, so you say, well I can see how an Alpha could insert Yang but how can a Beta recycle or give Yin energy if there is no penetration?  Yin energy might not be simply sexual, it might include massage of an Alpha, drawing a bath for him, fixing him a meal, listening compassionately to him, comforting him.  Yes, are you seeing the place of the feminine principle?  And more importantly are you seeing where the deep disruption of the obsession at only seeking "masculine" men is a level of anxiety driven insanity?

Men, particularly with men, need feminine, Yin energy, present in the relationship (even if the relationship is short term).

Now let's take this a step forward, imagine an Alpha is having sex with lots of accommodating, receptive, Yin based men.   Yang energy going into them---they fuck and then he bounces and leaves never to return.  Who's left with the Yang energy?  The Beta.  But he has no way to lovingly, estrogen based, Yin based way, of repaying, giving, doing his energy back to the Alpha.  He's then left laying or standing there charged with Yang energy and no one left to convert it into Yin energy and give it back to the Alpha.

You can see how this might leave the Beta bereft but say you're honestly an Alpha, you say---so, what, I got mine!

How does the Alpha lose out?  There is no one to "love" him back with their energy.  I'm not using the concept of love in a relationship context but in delightful, loving, caring, cuddling, caring, massaging loving.  The Alpha goes from Beta to Beta yanging but not getting yinned back so he finds the men he may  be sexual with too cloying, too demanding, too emotionally hysterical after the sex.  Now a Beta's reaction may come out as........wait for it....bitchiness, cattiness, passive aggressive resentment.  Are you starting to see your own issues and complaints?  Is the energetic balance or imbalance starting to make sense?

But What If I'm Versatile?  Or I'm Kinda Yang (or Yin)?

All men are kinda Yang, mainly because they possess and have testosterone, which is what made them Yang (male/masculine) to begin with.  The question is how to manage Yang.  And how to manage Yin.  The desire for sexualization whether it is to penetrate or be penetrated is Yang desire based but the Yin fundamental (Beta energy) might be will this man care for me afterwards and what will the caring look like?  In the context of a one night stand it might look like cuddling or staying the night or even prior to direct intercourse, extensive foreplay---loving sexual acts and emotional closure.  An Alpha is looking for something to "do" and a Beta is looking for a way to "be/feel".

But if you're Versatile then what?  Then honestly, you're in the area of Natural Balance.  Mostly because you can do and feel what it is like to be either in the energetic position of Yang, penetrating, protective, giving energy or Yin, receptive, accommodating, caring energy and therefore its easier for you to "do" the energy you are at other or allow it to be done to you without feeling used or smothered.

The question then becomes, what if I like exclusively being a Top or a Bottom---I'm cool with being Yang/Yin or Alpha/Beta without middle ground of Versatility (which the Tao, recognizing all sexualities, hetero and homo, accepts) but I want to still be present.  The answer is simple: understand the Other.    This means being conscious of your desires and your partners' no matter how  extensive or brief th coupling may be.  Negotiate what feels goof for you and what doesn't and extend yourself a bit into the realm of what doesn't.  Penetration doesn't mean a penis, it might mean manual/digit/finger stimulation---this gives a Beta a way to Yang energy penetrate you---but not entirely---and it can be delightful for prostate stimulation.  Allow an Alpha to truly envelop you, to fuck you, to dominate you without trying to passively be in control (of course you get to make boundaries) but trust him, give yourself over to him and afterwards negotiate what worked for you and what didn't.

Sex seen simply through a Yang framework means one of us must win because only the penetrator should be satisfied.

Sex seen through only a Yin framework might suggest too much emotional enmeshment too fast.



Sex seen through the balance of Yin and Yang says that time was what balanced you, this time balances me, let's negotiate next time (somewhere in here in here is also a deep non-individualistic negotiation for sex not being transitory, knowing someone you're having sex with, even if it's only for a short time or non-love).  If you start having sex consciously thinking and feeling about getting off, imagine the possibilities.  Imagine if you were able to express to a partner, "Hey, I'm cool with this because it would really get me off to imagine you doing this to me---is that okay?"  and more importantly, "What can I do to you, without judgment or ridicule to make you feel good and safe with me?"

Suddenly you're having that fantastic sex and connection you're always hearing about or witnessing in movies because you're using the art of communication, with some insight into whether you're Alpha or Beta, and your partner is listening and responding through that context.  Then maybe, just maybe, you're not trying to figure out why you thought you fucked a Bottom/Beta well----but he's so upset. Or you thought you gave yourself completely to a Top/Alpha and he never called back/chose someone else.  Now you can see that you invested too much emotional connection to him or too little and he acted like his hormones and energy has always had him acting in the dance of sex, gender and relationships.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Black and Latino Men: The Powerless Homosexual

Our feet firmly planted into the 21st Century we're now experiencing a shift.  Minorities, once limited in identity options are now literally exploding with variations.  However what we have to consider is does variation translate to power.  And more directly, what is power?

Power is defined as: Noun: The ability to do something or act in a particular way, esp. as a faculty or quality.  Verb: Supply (a device) with mechanical or electrical energy.  Synonyms: noun. might - force - strength - potency - authority - energy verb. actuate - operate.

Let's just creating a sort of running context for the power we might be talking about as social, economic, political/policy, personal power.

Social Power would be defined by the ability to shift the will or minds/opinions of the people, and we'll define the people as the population of North America and other continents where Black and Latino men live.  It would be what can we do and how often do we see positive, dynamic images of men of color within a sexuality framework such as media/entertainment, literature, nd physical or social art.  (This essay was suggested by an article on the presence and lack of Black and Latinos males in a homosexual context on television currently.)

Economic Power would be defined by the ability to not only personally hold money but more importantly to pool it into ways which would move, influence, exert power over social arenas.  What would this look like?  Viable racially focused agencies/projects with budgets exceeding $1 million, $5 million or even $10 million a year that are in existence through private donations, not governmental level agency welfare.  The agency would exist for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years and change and grow with the times.  This might also look like the creation of a Super Pac---there is already one being created specifically by LGBT interests/individuals without racial demarcations but we know that means----White controlled and focused.  

Political/Policy Power would be answered by having political power through vehicles like a Super Pac.  What is a Super Pac?

A PAC (Political Action Committee) to which corporations, unions, and other organizations can donate freely. These did not exist prior to the Citizens United decision, in which the Supreme Court ruled that corporations must be treated as individuals in terms of having "protected speech", including the right to spend money on political causes; and SpeechNow.org v. FEC, a D.C. Circuit Court decision holding that contribution limits could not apply to political committees that do not make direct contributions to or coordinate their activities with federal candidates. Therefore, unlike regular PACs, they cannot coordinate with individual candidates, and unlike 527 organizations, all contributions to and expenditures by these groups must be disclosed publicly just as federal PAC spending is.

Now consider this, the immediate reaction to what many felt was a Supreme Court decision that puts corporations into an unfair positionality of being able to vote, impose onto political decisions/campaigns, was immediately utilized by White LGBT individuals.  They may've been outraged but then they immediately moved their resources to take advantage of the ruling, just as financial institutions, abortion advocates/opposers, individual party supporters did.  More pointedly strategic, as the law of the land gave power to corporations, individuals incorporated.  The cost of incorporating being around $150 if done by one's self dircetly to the state or about $1000 if done by a lawyer.

What about politicians who are out about their sexuality and brown and focused on sexuality issues and themselves are male, Black/Latino, etc.?  Well, so far I only know of one here in NYC.

Personal Power, which would be sex, consumerism and the ability to make a stand for respect/equality as a human being.  Men are having sex constantly so that's not something we lack.  Consumerism---when gym memberships;  Nicki Minaj or Rihanna or Diana Ross or Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey or Madonna or NetFlix or Time Warner Cable or AMC Theaters or Louis Vuitton or Red Bull or True Religion or Tommy Hilfiger or Ralph Lauren or Gucci or Walmart or Lady Gaga are hurting then we'll know that countless (but financially spending) Black and Latino homosexual men suddenly pulled out their money.

The ability to stand, to make a stand to protest, to rally, activism, to marry---that's still a jury out activity.  How are we doing in those areas?  Are we doing anything?  How many rallies have you been to?  How many weddings?  How close to marriage and the economic/social power it brings are you?

When we circle back to the definition of power, has there been movement?  In the 1960s and 1970s there was a level of heavy social activism because we believed that "...absolute power corrupts absolutely..." but what we also have to accept is that "...powerlessness corrupts absolutely...".  When we're allowed to mindlessly entertain ourselves; see barebacking porn as viable entertainment and not examples of fucking each other to illness/death; shop til we drop for every variation Paul Smith can come up with; suffer lack of employment and education with grumbling resentment---as we grudgingly lower our living standards rather than raise our voices (and votes and money or Occupy Main Street); perform raw sex with each other and have the audacity to call each other "brother" or "papi" then we've proven that we're limited people.

And limited people, by definition are: Adjective: Restricted in size, power, amount, or extent; few, small, or short: "a limited number of places are available";(of a monarchy or government) Exercised under limitations of power prescribed by a constitution.  Synonyms: restricted - narrow - finite - confined - scanty-trivial.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

Email: kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

How (and Why) To Hire A Male Escort

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Dating Skills 101 For MSM, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

He said yes!  He'll go out with you!  Happy feet, happy feet!! :)

Ok.

Now what?

Planning a date is simpler than you would ever believe.  You just have to keep in mind WHAT a date is for and plan around that.  A date is similar to a job interview but the focus isn't the best candidate it's to show you at your best.  Showing yourself at your best will get you further than trying to be something you're not.  Opposite the intended outcome of a job interview but same skill set.

However there are some things to avoid on the first date:

Coffee Dates---Drive By/Interview---let me see if you're good enough for an investment.  I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think you, me and plenty of other men are worthy of significant time, energy and investment.  Do you think that of yourself though?  Or are you just worth a cappumochacino?

Lunch/Dinner Dates---Investment---clean clothes, time spent, real attention paid.

House First Dates---Sex---let's eat (sex) and watch a movie (sex) and then have sex.  It's a compliment that someone finds you attractive and you them but sex too fast---Non-Investment---I can get the milk for free, why invest any time or resources?  There's a reason why mothers and grandmothers have advised against fast sex for years and fathers and grandfathers have separated potential spouses into categories "good time" and good ones.

Food or No Food?
Probably there will be food involved.  Why?  Because it's one of the most basic and intimate functions of being human.  The question comes down to maybe three basic questions: who pays, where, and what.

Who Pays?
Men who are interested in men (and any other gender that want to apply these strategies) get into this silly squabble internally and miss out on great pairings because they forget what makes intimacy work.  Generosity.  You're not bargaining and heavy hand negotiating to win on Shark Tank.  You're on a date.  You're giving of yourself to establish a bond of intimacy with someone so that you can experience a level of emotional bonding and enhancement.  Therefore you can't measure dating in dollars and cents.  You measure it in outcomes.




That said.  Figure out your budget.  It should roughly be that wiggle room you have in your monthly budget.  This is your Dating Budget.  The lights, rent, mortgage and cable should stay on after using this discretionary funds maybe two or three times a month.

He who asks, pays.  It's okay.  Breathe.  You're giving.  And if it doesn't work out with this one, you're practicing.  Remember every date is practice for the real one. Like driving school.  The more casual you are through practice with everyone, you'll come off like a winner, a superstar when you meet the real one.  However if you rock stingy, one, your dating life will be short because who wants to go out with a stingy person and two, you'll turn off someone who likes you but you just displayed some crass behavior.

Men interested in men generally don't have the same gender dating experience in high school and college (where heterosexuals practice Dating Skills 101) so they don't learn how to navigate resources and intimacy and erroneously feel like they're "paying" for someone's attention.  Instead what they're missing is that we're animals and animals show each other their capacity to give, to provide.  You're literally a bird or a lion bringing something back to the nest.  This is a signal to your date about how you share, how you support, how you care and having a mental budget allows you to prescribe to yourself what you can and can't do.

Where to eat?
I personally have half a dozen restaurants around Manhattan that I know serve fantastic food, I have an idea of the prices and I can describe the location or have them on speed dial for reservations.

Restaurant #1: Cheap Date (Budget Love)
Be honest.    If that's $20 for you (I like Wendy's----I'm just putting that out there) then that's your budget.  Give freely, give lovingly and tell your date, "Go ahead, baby, Supersize!"

Restaurant # 2: Medium/General Dates (Your Spot)
This might be your go to place that you know has a variety of dishes from burgers to steaks; liquor, nice desserts and candlelight.  This might cost you $100 for two people.  This might also be the general area you spend on every date if you can afford it.  This price point will give you a good presentation experience, good food and comfortable space to talk which is a natural boon to the cost.  (Pennyfeathers was a sensational restaurant that I would go to on dates or for nights out with co-workers; I knew the owner and waitstaff (making it a safe space in case my date was cwazy or drunk), the food was great (T-bone steak for $30! and it was easily accessible on 7th Avenue South in Manhattan.)

Restaurant #3: High End (Special Occasions, etc.)
I love several places in NYC (Morton's, The Four Seasons, Plataforma Churascaria, Frankie and Johnny's, Peter Lugers) that dinner for two will be northwards of $200 and I've gone to them on special dates and also sometimes on first dates.  The important thing about your High End spot is that you love it.  Keep in mind on dates that if you're leading it should be somewhere that you like---so that if the date turns out to be a dud you've had a wonderful time at one of your favorite places.  In fact, I've had bad dates where there wasn't a love connection but having gone to my favorite places, I've still had a good time.

Dutch, Anyone?
Yeah, you could go this route.  Or you could be the one who graciously allows themselves to be treated to a meal or two.  Or you could be the one treating.  If they pay and you still feel slightly uncomfortable with that, leave a sensational tip!  If he pays for a Medium Meal and you drop a $25 tip, the wait staff will love you and you'll be enhancing his generosity.  Remember you have to decide whether to be the Democratic Leader (Alpha) or the Empathetic Receiver (Beta), more on that in other blogs and the TV show.

But you have to decide.  That's the first step in dating and enjoying it.  Deciding to give.  Deciding to receive.  Deciding where to go.  Deciding what you can afford.  Deciding that you can do this and most importantly deciding to enjoy the dating process as you soar into delightful possibilities!

Next blog, OTHER activities to do on dates besides simply food (and sex!) that will give you a chance to get to know someone and vice versa!

These blogs on Dating 101 are aligning to upcoming episodes of The Kyle Phoenix Show on Dating 101---check it out!


Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Do Black People Think that the Obama Presidency is a Reality TV Show?

 This morning, I had to ask myself some hard questions, which I immediately took to my friends on Facebook: Are black people, as a collective, even capable of evaluating our political options objectively? They say that the best way to waste your vote is to stay home or choose a third party candidate. Actually, the best way to waste your vote is to give unconditional support to a candidate and then not ask him to do anything.

After president Obama laid his case out for the American people, Rev. Jesse Jackson said that he would like the Democrats to pay more attention to poverty and gun violence. But when I got to AOL Black Voices, one of the leading black online media outlets in the country, I saw a headline that says, “Malia and Sasha are seriously adorable!” Then, there is another headline next to the first one that has Michelle Obama saying to Barack, “I want to retrace our honeymoon.”

People are starving, children are dying, black people can’t find work and children suffer while their parents are incarcerated. Yet, the black middle class is living an intoxicating Negro fairytale where the only thing that matters is the color of Michelle Obama’s dress. Are we so addicted to style over substance that we have let go of the ability to engage in the act of critical thinking?

Perhaps it’s time for us to be a bit more serious about politics. This is not a reality TV show. This is not the last episode of “Basketball Wives,” nor is it the season finale of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Ladies, Barack is never going to be your husband, and those aren’t your kids. But the fact is that many other little girls who are just as adorable as Sasha and Malia, like 7-year old Heaven Sutton, are at risk of having a stray bullet fly across their neighborhood and hit them in the head while they serve lemonade on their front porch. Yes, in case you’re wondering, that is what happened to Heaven because we refuse to demand that the Democratic Party address urban violence as part of the party platform.

This doesn’t mean that an intelligent person can’t appreciate the beauty of the first family or comment on the style and grace with which first lady Michelle Obama carries herself. But the reason that neither the Obamas nor the rest of the Democratic Party take African Americans seriously is because we’ve relegated ourselves to being cheerleaders instead of a legitimate political constituency. We no longer have objective black journalists who critically assess the policies of the administration, and are instead flooded with a pack of highly-educated groupies who are hoping to get a picture with the president when he comes to town.

While we sit back and fantasize, people are dying. While we comment on how fabulous Michelle Obama looked as she gave her speech, there is some little girl out there crying because her daddy got 10 life sentences for selling drugs. As we talk about how cute Sasha and Malia look in the crowd, there is a little boy being murdered by bullies on his way home from school.

Perhaps it’s time for us to grow up and speak up. Until we do, we’ll never be respected, even by the Obamas themselves.

by Dr. Boyce Watkins
(This was so good and poignant, I thought I should reprint it throughout this network of friends!  Enjoy!)

Rihanna Beat Again by Kyle Phoenix

Rihanna and Oprah Winfrey on
Oprah Winfrey's Next Chapter

I'll be very honest here, I don't know Rihanna that well. I don't own any of her music, know any of it that well nor do I kind of expect to. I understand her fame, the celebrity, the shows, the younger fan base that loves her and Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga---two others whom I don't own, know the music of that well. I've heard one or two Rihanna songs when out and about but I'm not a "fan". That said I didn't view the original broadcast of her interview with Oprah Winfrey but I thought it would be interesting to expand on some of the videos and The Kyle Phoenix Show episodes with a focus on domestic violence and abuse. Hence, I watched this interview and I was-----frustrated, confused and saddened. I got to know Rihanna and her success and I got really solid in my understanding that she's young and has been thrust into a huge career.

Oprah first set up who Rihanna is, the audiences' understanding of her career and to some degree her identity. Then it went into her domestic violence issues with Chris Brown and for me, that's when it got really wacky. Not wacky bad but wacky in the sense that I missed the old Oprah Winfrey Show format that included audience and therapist participation because some of Rihanna's thinking, truly expressive, needed to be funneled through a psychological lens. She talked about her concern for Brown directly after their explosive fight, her lack of self-empathy and then more tellingly (I had it listed out mentally) her issues with her father. She talked about her father being abusive towards her mother, her witnessing it and more twistedly---thinking he was still a great father.

Let me say this: Good men don't abuse their partners, especially in front of children. Children who see their parents abused, grow up to be abusers or abused unless they do some intervention level psychological work on that heavy contradiction. Love doesn't abuse.


But aside from a healthy perspective on family dynamics, we have to consider who listens to Rihanna---younger, some educated, some not, male and female, all sexualities---who may've come from abusive households themselves.

Point one: Rihanna needs some intensive therapy that can't occur in TV Land.

Point two: Brown needs the same. Really fast.

Point three: People are attracted to what they grew up with. You seek the love (or lack) or twisted love you witnessed/experienced as a child. (Next time you're dating someone ask them HOW their parental figures were in relationship to each other and listen to the dysfunction. Why? That's who you're on a date with.)

Point four: Oprah was unusually passive, letting it be more of a casual conversation than a directive, snatch someone by their coattails episode. I think she too was listening to a young woman who is still in the emotional snare of Brown/her father, this was probably the best way to handle it.

You can't talk sense into someone until they're ready to understand that they will have to change some of the things they think are "normal" to them.

Point five: All media coverage translates to fame/celebrity/money. I'm waiting for the Rihanna book, the domestic violence shelters, the profiteering for herself or somehow making this "work" for her. But I think that I'm getting ahead of her. I think she can't do this yet because she's still "in it". To be around the social workers, non-profits, psychologists would be a level of "help" and when people are "in it" the last thing they want to do---especially when you heap the power of celebrity/power on her abilities to avoid anything she doesn't want to deal with.

There's a sense of fragility when she talks, willingness to be harshly treated, pointedly by men, a whole lot of Caribbean female iron upper lip as your man does you dead wrong and induced sexualization by her career. Thereby in her adult formative years forming her into something that I think has a recipe for tragedy. She talks about love and emotional pangs being "accidentally" around him  at  party after the beating.  But she's able to be both hones and yet still confused by this because she hasn't gotten the psychological help to not only deal with but change those feelings. People who go through abuse and do the work, find out one, WHY they were there and even more frighteningly, two, WHAT they do that attracts abusers/sets them up for abuse, literally changing their minds.

Rihanna has answered WHY she was there. Her past, her parents, her father. But what she hasn't done is the real work of WHAT she does to choose such men, why she's attracted to men who will abuse and what she does once she has those men to trigger the abuse. There's a fabulous center in Atlanta that has both parties in a relationship come for treatment because we often lambaste the abuser not taking into account that the first hit can be a surprise but the second one, is a dark wish fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one likes the violence but when you've grown up seeing/being a part of it, you believe that is what loving reality feels like.

A trained therapist helps someone learn the above and until she does that kind of work, whether it's emotional, financial, emotional or physical, Rihanna will be beat again.

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Mocha Love, Part 1 by Kyle Phoenix

One of the creative sparks for making a new episode of The Kyle Phoenix Show is about White men dating Black men, or more pointedly, White men not dating them by stating that they don't want to date anything other than White men, excluding Black, Latinos, Asians, etc..  How do we reconcile homosexual men, White men practicing a form of social and mating discrimination?  Is it discrimination?  With celebrities do we see them crossing racial lines when showing their same sex relationships?  Why not?

The experience of having a White man hit on you is similar to any other man hitting on you except it comes with a possible slight pinprick that is either simply differences in skin pigmentation or a black hole of prejudice, entitlement, judgment, manipulation, and power dynamics.

How to navigate this?

Well, first, I've learned to listen.  Fetishization occurs when a White men starts telling you how wonderful he thinks people of color are, how rich your culture, how beautiful your skin and how he has so many friends or even a relative who has a level of intimacy with your race.  What White people don't know (we'll even throw this out to if you're another race and do this to someone of a different race as well): it's offensive.  The reason why it's offensive is because it's identity reduction---I know who Asian people are and their experience because I read the Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan.  I deeply see Latino people because I went to Puerto Rico in 2008 for vacation.  My parents went to a Richard Pryor concert therefore I understand the Black experience.  I own a Navajo belt that I bought in New Mexico, I get the Native American experience.  These are examples of Assumptive Racism.

Assumptive Racism is when I believe that object or observation means I understand you, it also slyly means that you're so simple as to be culturally understood simply by acquisition/observation.  This leads us to the concept of Entitlement.  That I can decide to observe, have the right to do so and close the knowledge loop myself without your input, criticism or correction.  I have decided how to see you and that's that.

But what happens if that White man is homosexual?  Hasn't he (or she) experienced a level of Assumptive Prejudice about their own identity and therefore shouldn't they be more open to dealing with and curing their misperceptions and social faux pas.  The error is in believing that humans, particularly those raised in the western hemisphere where racism is so ingrained, would be excluded from it in spite of their sexuality. It's like suggesting they wouldn't have finger prints because they're homosexual. The acceptance or more commonly, rejection of other races as viable dates/partners has to do with MASSIVE misperception based on miscegenation---laws that kept races from breeding together. The hilarious part, is that people who can't breed together, practice it.

The fact that races would practice miscegenation when there is no physical chance of procreating means then that racial discrimination---whether at the audacious height of the KKK or subtle as "non-preference" supports the outline that racism is a mental illness, that particularly Caucasian people suffer from and other races are neurotically attending to---the way we pretend to be another relative to Alzheimer patients to maintain "peace". We need to view those who dance along the continuum as mentally ill. 

Also a deeper level to look at even the discussion on is the position of power and entitlement, which are the forces/factors that inform, empower racism. The positionality here is White men towards Black, Asian or Latinos---the assumption that they are in the power choosing position---which is indicative of our own ingrained racism---that White men act/choose and others react. The history of that is what informs White men that it is acceptable to express such discrimination.

Now I'm not saying that preference/choice can't or shouldn't exist, it's when we express it simply through a racialized lens---there's an internalized blindness to racism that racism itself creates. No one, ever wants to be associated with racism---mainly because White people associate it to character rather than how other races see it, which is by actions. On some level Black people could even "forgive" if White people would admit it then they could be seen as personality erring vs. identity. 

Next Blog: Down With The Mocha Swirl: Interracial Homosexual Love Throw Down, Part 2

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/