Men: Lovers & Fighters

It seems like everyone wants a thug, a hard man, a hardcore man, a gangsta.  Scrolling through dating sites the push is for hard men, masculine men, aggressive men, men who will take control, uber-Alpha men.  But the push I will say has advanced over the years is the desire for more dangerous men.  The question though becomes what constitutes a thug/dangerous/aggressive man?  

Let's even push further into the concept, why would someone want a man like this?  Often I poll men online or in groups about what is the desire.  The answers generally come back as the lyrics to Someone To Watch Over Me.  Someone strong, capable, caring, able to fend off detractors and attackers, able to be confident, stable, masculine, integrity, responsible, accountable and sometimes if I really push, can fly too.  I kid but the list itself is a bit much to demand of a man, don't you think?  The only humans we really have as reference to relationships with men are women and women will tell you you can't get all of those in a man.  In fact on your list make room for selfish, childish, foolish, infantile, immature, silly, dense, undereducated, unemployed and can't even spell the word fly.

So now where does that leave someone?  Honestly, learning how to navigate to get most of what you desire and understand that some other things are fantasy and some things you don't want will show up as well.

What You Desire
The truest secret that I am about to reveal to you will rock you for a moment but you've been aware of this for awhile.  Prince Charming is never going to come.  Never.  Ever.  Ever.
No, wait, breathe on it, hold it, hold it.
However, your Prince, someone willing to occupy that space for you will come.  However you have to think of the list, that magic list you have as boxes---each one is a box that you have filled with the sand and images and songs and movie clips exampling what it looks like..........and each one of those boxes is in your doorway.  The more boxes you have, the less a Good Man can get in.

Your Fantasy
Prince Charming was never going to come.  To you, at you or near you.  Your fantasies are just that, fantasies or worse yet form books, movies or a friends' stories, fantasies from others.  It's time to really construct what you want, need and truly can handle.  Fantasies have a way of eliminating the reality of you and replacing his vision of what he wants with all of YOUR wants.  Fantasies have a way of fulfilling our desires with the person being a blank slate that is just focused at us.  Which is why we never truly achieve or receive our fantasies in the way which we think we want them.

Things You Don't Want (And The Reasons Why He Is As He Is)

What isn't being considered in these hyper-masculine traits that are being sexualized to desire is how a man may've gotten that way.  The pictures of the heavily tattooed man, who is an Alpha, in no way at all effeminate (the height of your insanity if you believe this exists) and aggressive and assertive sexually.  There's a level of abdicating your free will in that but I'm not going to go there.  Instead I'm going to look at the Lover /Fighter paradigm as a design from poverty. When a man is simply sexualized, to his body, his organs, this harkens in America not only back to slavery, but racism.  Racism isn't simply a discrimination or stereotyping racialized cycle, it's also a predicating factor to poverty.  Poverty, by being denied access to resources, financial, educational, social, then perpetuates the appearance that those kinds of people are poor, then folds back into racism.  Poor people then are not able to educate, socially move and they happen to be standing there seemingly all brown, though that's the opposite of the truth in America, which recycles racism again.

Racism begets poverty and poverty begets racism (discrimination) but there's also a  context of how do human beings occupy poverty, how do they act?  Men in poverty are tough, they're fighters, they're misogynistic  they make babies, they work hard, they sweat, they tattoo themselves.  But then the question is what is manhood defined when one isn't poor?  Simply put, if you're poor, a man for you might only harbor some of these traits without consideration for other traits.  Of course, I'm painting broadly here but there's a limit to time and space here.

What can a man look like who isn't narrow stereotypes of Marlon Brando On The Waterfront?    Is he educated, does he have good credit, does he take care of himself, is he on drugs or addicted to alcohol, is he caring to other human beings? What we're really getting at even as we circle back to sexual manhood is what constitutes manhood?  What makes a man?  What makes a Good Man?

My own personal prescription for manhood, not only taught to me by my parents and mentors, is that a boy becomes a man when he is responsible caring, loving and accountable to other men, women, children and animals, this is what examples character.  Of course human beings make errors in there but the errors should be the exception of their character not the rule.  Therefore when I see a human male---I look for the above traits, not the amount of masculinity or femininity in his personality.  In fact I would offer that MSM, not having grown up with an affirmed sense of their identity as natural lack the natural work of learning how they fit into the context of manhood.  Or they also aren't initiated into the definitions we have now which allows humans to have a foundation and take it from there.

You still want this fantasy concept though, you desire this balance, this man's man to take care of you.  Why?  Isn't that a female psychology?  Or does this goes back to our estrogen measure of 80% of men as Betas and 15 to 20% men as testosterone heavier Alphas.  The desire is then Betas for Alphas but the numbers don't work out.  Why?  Because Alphas seek to build the manhood picture of family, marriage, children, companies/businesses, accountability and personal responsibility.  That's the testosterone impelling men to do and move forward, build, construct life and the world around them for their families and society.

The question then becomes are you available to an Alpha man's desires?  Will you raise children?  Help him build a company?  Marry him?  Now consider instead that you if you weren't raised with preparation like heterosexuals are for what to do with an Alpha male, for what to create with him are you fantasizing for something you don't have the training, ability or capability to handle? 

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on

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