WHY Are You Having Sex? 10 Reasons That Don't Work Out

The Top 10 Reasons for Having Sex 

That Don't Work Out:

1. To Find An Long Term Partner

• Sexual skill is only a small factor in a relationship. It can keep someone distracted but if you're unemployed, slovenly, a liar with bad grammar---there's only so long a hurricane tongue will keep you in someone's good favor.  No one will love you because you're cute, sexy, have a 6 pack, or are endowed---love is more personal and intimate.  It isn't sexual---it's emotional.  Intimacy isn't about our bodies.  To be naked in front of another human being is easy, people do it all the time at night clubs and locker rooms and reality television but to be emotionally intimacy naked with someone else---to tell them your hopes, dreams, hurts and aspirations and have them encourage you, find value in you that you may not have noticed, cherish you---that's a lot deeper and more pleasurable then any twist in your hips or lack of gag reflex.
2. For Intimacy.Closeness

• You want to be close to a man.  You want to be held.  You want to be loved.  You're not.  So you settle for the illusion over and over and over and lament that there are no Good Men.  In fact there are Good Men but the problem is you're always preoccupied with sex with men who don't care or like you so they overlook you.  Hence the cycle is repeated.  
3. To distract yourself from unpleasant things in life (running away from your problems)

• You've got bills, family, health, money, work issues and for just a little bit of time you want the world to go away so you use sex to try and create this bubble.  Unfortunately no matter how much you do it your life will still be there.  The healthier attitude might be to find a balance between your internal desires and the realities you have to deal with externally.  Also an understanding that you're not good in bed when you're trying to run away from reality, because your partner is in reality.
4. Sense of Belonging

• Your friends are whores.  Lol.  Kidding.  Your friends are whores. No, really, they are.  They are constantly bragging about being sexual, safe or unsafe, and maybe even flashing the videos in front of you or introducing you to a steady stream of hits and goes.  You assume that your lack of sex life is a bad thing, that you're unusual.  You're not.  There are peaks and valleys to everything in life and celibacy is a chance for you to spend some time with yourself, date, explore hobbies and go out and enjoy yourself without the worries and pressures of sex.  It can be a wonderful time to get things done in your life that a relationship will enhance when it comes along, if it's short or long term.
5. To Have New Experiences

• Fisting.  Snowballing.  Gang-bangs.  Barebacking.  Spanking.  S&M.  Anal sex.  An orgy.  Bath houses.  You think you need to be more experience, especially compared to your friends, pornography and the scenes you see in bars.  Yes, you might want to try some things out, figure out what gives you pleasure but you don't want to throw yourself into sexual activity just to do it.
6. Hooked On the Rush, Leads to Sex Addiction
• Sex feels good.  Human beings like doing it.  There might be emotional reasons why you're trying to blind yourself, your life with that rush.  When we chase after a rush to blot out feelings and it's the only way we can get a rush, that's called addiction.  You're a full biological system.  You can exercise, play sports, go out dancing, jog, take long walks, even volunteer to get an endorphin rush.  Spread out that energy and then incorporate sex into it, whether you're in a relationship or not, makes for healthy activity.  Often times men who are depressed use sex as an artificial boost rather than dealing with the depression and that can lead to unsafe sex practices and that's a whole different cookie jar but ain't nothing good in there.
7. Sex Prevents Prostate Cancer

• This is a misnomer because of the possibilities of finding great pleasure and multiple orgasms through prostate stimulation.  The prostate is very sensitive to touch, pressure and friction, however common causes of cancer are hereditary, dietary related, genetic and other factors.  If you're concerned, check out the factors.  Getting your button pushed regularly doesn't prevent it.
8. Self Gratification (letting off steam)

• The stress of life can be alleviated with the pleasure of sex.  However consider this, you're built and equipped to solve your problems without needing to distract yourself.  Identifying your sex life as your only release valve for pressures means that you're now subjugating other means to your sexuality.  Yoga, meditation, exercise, comedy clubs, scary movies, silly games.  Spend some time NOT being an adult if you have high pressures during your normal day.  Volunteer to work with children or older adults---you'll be careful and relaxed and silly on purpose or you'll be forced to slow down.  And really that's how you let off steam, you slow down.  
9. For Revenge Against a Boyfriend or An Ex

• Anger and hate is drinking poison expecting the one you're angry at to get sick and die.  Never works.  Are your only ways of communicating frustration, resentment, anger, unfairness to use your body?  That's immature, literally childish in an adult's body.  Your sexuality is good and valuable in the universe, it is intended and good.  Treat it like such.  When we minimize ourselves to object, just a fuck, or can't maturely express yourself to someone you're intimate with, then you're a child.  It's time to grow up.  
10. To Prove That You're Still Potent Enough/Confirm Attractiveness and Desirability

• As men get older, particularly when they aren't in LTRs or have children they have an inordinate amount of time to stare in the mirror.  Men who are actively raising children, building businesses, in marriages with men and women, have less time to look at their sexual viability as their only resource.  They might still cheat, act foolish, try new things but it's less of consuming to them.  Without those buffers you can worry more when you see what attracts other men, when the stares are no longer on you, when it doesn't matter how much you work out because your thoughts and needs might not be attractive to younger men.  
• Getting older means that you're entering a new phase of manhood, it might be more important to figure out what that is, what that looks like, where you could, would or should be as a man instead of trying to pull younger men to prove you're still relevant.  Why?  Because the most pathetic thing is a man twice another man's age believing that it's overwhelming attraction and devotion that is keeping young men around him.  And two, young men are experimenting, trying things out---you're probably not going to be the last on his relationship list, even if you were the first. 

The delight of sex is thrilling and wonderful  Responsible sex is amazing.  It doesn't have to be in the context of an LTR or deep love but the relationship you have to yourself should be seen as the primary long term relationship, exampling deep love.  There should be a respect and dignity to your treatment of yourself because what you reflect is what you can expect.

Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
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Men: Lovers & Fighters

It seems like everyone wants a thug, a hard man, a hardcore man, a gangsta.  Scrolling through dating sites the push is for hard men, masculine men, aggressive men, men who will take control, uber-Alpha men.  But the push I will say has advanced over the years is the desire for more dangerous men.  The question though becomes what constitutes a thug/dangerous/aggressive man?  

Let's even push further into the concept, why would someone want a man like this?  Often I poll men online or in groups about what is the desire.  The answers generally come back as the lyrics to Someone To Watch Over Me.  Someone strong, capable, caring, able to fend off detractors and attackers, able to be confident, stable, masculine, integrity, responsible, accountable and sometimes if I really push, can fly too.  I kid but the list itself is a bit much to demand of a man, don't you think?  The only humans we really have as reference to relationships with men are women and women will tell you you can't get all of those in a man.  In fact on your list make room for selfish, childish, foolish, infantile, immature, silly, dense, undereducated, unemployed and can't even spell the word fly.

So now where does that leave someone?  Honestly, learning how to navigate to get most of what you desire and understand that some other things are fantasy and some things you don't want will show up as well.

What You Desire

The truest secret that I am about to reveal to you will rock you for a moment but you've been aware of this for awhile.  Prince Charming is never going to come.  Never.  Ever.  Ever.

No, wait, breathe on it, hold it, hold it.

Ok.

However, your Prince, someone willing to occupy that space for you will come.  However you have to think of the list, that magic list you have as boxes---each one is a box that you have filled with the sand and images and songs and movie clips exampling what it looks like..........and each one of those boxes is in your doorway.  The more boxes you have, the less a Good Man can get in.

Your Fantasy

Prince Charming was never going to come.  To you, at you or near you.  Your fantasies are just that, fantasies or worse yet form books, movies or a friends' stories, fantasies from others.  It's time to really construct what you want, need and truly can handle.  Fantasies have a way of eliminating the reality of you and replacing his vision of what he wants with all of YOUR wants.  Fantasies have a way of fulfilling our desires with the person being a blank slate that is just focused at us.  Which is why we never truly achieve or receive our fantasies in the way which we think we want them.

Things You Don't Want (And The Reasons Why He Is As He Is)

What isn't being considered in these hyper-masculine traits that are being sexualized to desire is how a man may've gotten that way.  The pictures of the heavily tattooed man, who is an Alpha, in no way at all effeminate (the height of your insanity if you believe this exists) and aggressive and assertive sexually.  There's a level of abdicating your free will in that but I'm not going to go there.  Instead I'm going to look at the Lover /Fighter paradigm as a design from poverty. When a man is simply sexualized, to his body, his organs, this harkens in America not only back to slavery, but racism.  Racism isn't simply a discrimination or stereotyping racialized cycle, it's also a predicating factor to poverty.  Poverty, by being denied access to resources, financial, educational, social, then perpetuates the appearance that those kinds of people are poor, then folds back into racism.  Poor people then are not able to educate, socially move and they happen to be standing there seemingly all brown, though that's the opposite of the truth in America, which recycles racism again.

Racism begets poverty and poverty begets racism (discrimination) but there's also a  context of how do human beings occupy poverty, how do they act?  Men in poverty are tough, they're fighters, they're misogynistic  they make babies, they work hard, they sweat, they tattoo themselves.  But then the question is what is manhood defined when one isn't poor?  Simply put, if you're poor, a man for you might only harbor some of these traits without consideration for other traits.  Of course, I'm painting broadly here but there's a limit to time and space here.

What can a man look like who isn't narrow stereotypes of Marlon Brando On The Waterfront?    Is he educated, does he have good credit, does he take care of himself, is he on drugs or addicted to alcohol, is he caring to other human beings? What we're really getting at even as we circle back to sexual manhood is what constitutes manhood?  What makes a man?  What makes a Good Man?

My own personal prescription for manhood, not only taught to me by my parents and mentors, is that a boy becomes a man when he is responsible caring, loving and accountable to other men, women, children and animals, this is what examples character.  Of course human beings make errors in there but the errors should be the exception of their character not the rule.  Therefore when I see a human male---I look for the above traits, not the amount of masculinity or femininity in his personality.  In fact I would offer that MSM, not having grown up with an affirmed sense of their identity as natural lack the natural work of learning how they fit into the context of manhood.  Or they also aren't initiated into the definitions we have now which allows humans to have a foundation and take it from there.

You still want this fantasy concept though, you desire this balance, this man's man to take care of you.  Why?  Isn't that a female psychology?  Or does this goes back to our estrogen measure of 80% of men as Betas and 15 to 20% men as testosterone heavier Alphas.  The desire is then Betas for Alphas but the numbers don't work out.  Why?  Because Alphas seek to build the manhood picture of family, marriage, children, companies/businesses, accountability and personal responsibility.  That's the testosterone impelling men to do and move forward, build, construct life and the world around them for their families and society.

The question then becomes are you available to an Alpha man's desires?  Will you raise children?  Help him build a company?  Marry him?  Now consider instead that you if you weren't raised with preparation like heterosexuals are for what to do with an Alpha male, for what to create with him are you fantasizing for something you don't have the training, ability or capability to handle? 

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

No Fats, No Fems, No Strings, No Imperfections

Men can be beautiful to behold.  Women too.  Children as well.  And animals.  In fact, all the sentient humanoids on Earth I'm going to give a thumbs up to.  

Except for the fat asses.

And them fem ass faggots.

Don't forget them triflin' no accountability fools.

In fact, if I catch you doing something wrong---eating a Twinkie, humming a Bette Midler tune or treating me with some intimacy or interest, I'm gonna jettison your ass.

Does this sound like the soundtrack you feel like the male world is playing at you? Are you even sometimes harmonizing with it?  Have you looked in the mirror, while tapping your foot to Beyonce, and realized that you're being rejected for being........well, you, seemingly anytime you're with a group of MSM?  

Are you perhaps one of the men who has religiously gone to the gym, kept the bass in your voice, maintained your masculinity to the point of being "unclockable" (I'm always fascinated by the inherent paranoia in that thought---I wonder if our media/technology observant culture has translated to MSM this whole fear of being seen/outed in this way) and you're comfortable with No Strings Attached..........but........you're still alone?  I often wonder, as I wander around the gym---okay, I don't wander---I tend to work out while reading or listening to my IPod at what happens when two Perfect 10s get into a room.  Then I wonder what happens when they hook up maybe from online.  Then I wonder what they do when there's nothing imperfect about the other or do they cancel each other out like bottoms of batteries?

Say you have a 6 pack or maybe an 8 pack............ummmm, okay then what?  It really only matters to two sectors---Those Who Have Them and Those WHo Think They're Attractive.  But you can't show a 6 pack every minute of the day, right?  It's not really useful for anything other than modelling underwear and, go go dancing or escorting in the gay community and if you're heterosexual, it might get you onto a reality show or two.  But is there any real usage or value beyond the obvious and the suggestive of someone either not eating or exercising a lot?  

When I'm at events it's the designers and teachers and lawyers and doctors and coordinators and such making the real world go around.  Some of them have 6 packs.  Most don't.  In fact most of the MSM I notice with educations, degrees, status, money----really aren't 8 packed out.  So does that mean that MSM who are average, chubby, fluffy, thick and chunky are really more of the norm and in fact suggest a greater possibility of stability and success?

Wait, wait, wait what about the light footed tinkerbells? The sugar footed candy lickers? The dudes with more feather than rock in their shoes? Surely they're----well, less than. In order to not have value or for there to be so much negative value portrayed and projected at them, there has to be a loss from being effeminate, right? That's logical, right? James Baldwin?  Lisping, sugar footed and honestly speaking, no Billy Dee in the mug department.  But valuable, right?  RuPaul.  Cheekbones like glass and a wig for every day of the month no matter the season but not manly, right?  Luther Vandross?  (Oh, come on, let's not play Unclockable Closet Games here.)  Women, including my mother, swore by Luther.  Prayed to Luther.  Swayed to Luther.  In fact a few of you were made to Luther because his crooning represented a velvety, sensuous seductive femininity.  The sequined jackets.  Enough said.

Yet there is such a terror at the feminine.  In fatness, chubbiness---perhaps because women are soft and fluffy and chubby?  Wouldn't want to be like a woman.  I mean what could be more awful than dressing up like one or worse yet being trapped in a soft body like one.  In fact the concept of sexing like one or being sexed like one, is already a mountainous hurdle.  Effeminacy that's not masculine, not macho, not manly and therefore it is devalued.   But then why are 6 packing men still online, showing themselves on Facebook, rocking their Grindr and Adam accounts, paying Match.com because-----------well, all them sit ups ain't making love connections.  

But femininity, the emotionality of it, is an intimacy connector and following along the precept that 85% of men are Betas (more estrogen based), then all this gym action is being done by Double Closet Cases.

What's a Double Closet Cases?

A Double Closet is a man who is working like it's a second job to appear masculine, to work out and strut and swagger and repress himself into appearing hyper-masculine.  But, he, in fact is reading this while knowing all the words to Lady Gaga and Beyonce and Whitney and Janet and Mariah and Cher and Madonna but can't allow that to be known by other MSM.  And maybe it was even you who grew up, terrified and maligned for being feminine.  For being a sissy.  You ran in form and thought from anyone applying female like traits to you so that the very thought of them being attached to you is terrifying.

Wait, then---is No Fats, No Fem, No Strings (read: intimacy)---a psychological reaction to being cast as feminine or effeminate and the desire to not have your sexuality revealed?  Is it also a way of MSM exampling misogyny because being a man who might be sexual with men doesn't exclude a man from being chauvinistic?  In fact there might be some really heavy resentment at women who get to display their sexuality, vulnerability and attraction to men and are rewarded with....well, male attention, love, resources and love?  This is along the lines in the same way that being a gay White man doesn't mean that one can't still be racist.  Just because one experiences prejudice and bias doesn't mean the energy converts to sainthood, a person is as prejudiced as the next even if they're sitting in wheelchair themselves.

Maybe No Fats, No Fems, No Strings, is a way for a nigger to create other niggers?  Bare with me here...there's a theory that the oppressed have to create other oppressed people in order to feel a sense of self esteem.  Hence why Blacks and Latinos have such a tangled social history.  Or Jews and Blacks.  Or Irish and Italians.  Or Germans and..........well, everyone else.  Maybe, just maybe those MSM who have a toilet tissue tight mental rope on No Fats, No Fems, No Strings can't see that they're missing out on the imperfections---a few extra pounds, a lisp or two, an emotional delight in pampering and caring for another---because in a Double Closet Case, you've come out to one layer of your identity but stopped before you came out as an accepting human being?

I'm always amazed when people assume that homosexuals can't be criminals, fools, prejudiced, liars, abusive simply because.........well, they're homosexuals.  In a way it's like covertly suggesting or accepting homosexuals as inhuman, therefore slyly offering that they can't experience the full range of human flaws and foibles.  Perhaps we're giving the prejudiced who perpetuate these ways of thinking---ultimately no imperfections, no embracing of the feminine aspect, however that appears or demonstrates itself in a man or woman, leeway.  Pity leeway because people have a hard time telling people in wheelchairs---the chair doesn't excuse you from being an asshole, it just makes you a mobile one.  Therefore being a bigot who happens to be an MSM just makes you a bigot, who happens to be a MSM.

Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

MSM and the Equation of Ideology + Liberation = Power

What do you believe?  What do you believe in?  Why do you believe that?  Our belief system is ideology---our personal ideology could include religion, capitalism, sexuality even education.  Think of yourself as a container---or a storage cabinet where we store our ideas.  Our ideas conceive our selves and from our selves we move through life/reality.

Liberation on the other hand is actualization of an ideology.  Say I tell you I believe in capitalism, entrepreneurship could be an extension of that ideology, therefore a level of liberation.  Or say I tell you I believe in the inherent rights of races to being treated with legal equality (ideology) and then I go and get an education and teach Race Theory or Race Psychology or I become a Civil Rights Attorney, actualization to Liberation.

But how does this go from thought/belief to action and then manifest as Power?  The concept of Power---ability to move, influence, control, exert force upon, whether that be a concrete or abstract, is as normal as oxygen on Earth.  It is natural for humans, particularly men, to seek ways to have Power.  (Women too.)  In fact one could argue that it is how men define themselves.  But what happens when one is racially subjugated into semi-submission psychologically and that's combined with a sexuality that isn't wholly or at all, heterosexual and brings about a social subjugation through closeting, DL-ness, inequalities, lack of manhood expectations (marriage, children, etc..)?  What does a man become?  How does one become a man?

First we would have to consider where one could get Ideology from and use it for.  As a Teacher---I've taught everything from elementary school children up to advanced college graduate courses---and to some degree I am teaching Ideology.  When I teach about Toussaint L'Overture and the Haitian Revolution, I am teaching about people believing so much in their inherent right to have agency over their own bodies, in spite of the laws advocating slavery, that they were willing to wage first an uprising and then full out protracted revolution against the French and Spanish colonists and eventually to some degree their home countries; I am teaching the ideology of self-rule.  Pretty much in all teaching a transference of some sort of ideological framework occurs.  It's often the areas of wrestling with not simply what to teach but how to teach it.  I could teach that Toussaint was completely wrong in leading a revolution; I could frame the discussion and lessons to the side of the French.  I don't but I could.

I don't because I use Haiti as a historical point because it allows people of color to access history and it happens right after the American Revolution and happens parallel to the French Revolution and then I can link it forty odd years later to the Cuban Revolution against Spain.  Implicit in this is not only the concept of justifiable revolution but more importantly, it allows me to passively teach how people shirked off the bonds of slavery at their own will.  I can go into how Toussaint could read and write, thereby showing the importance of education as well as his confidence to negotiate with both the Crown of France and even Napoleon.  It says something for people of color to hear about a man of color dealing with empires.  Eyes alight, questions become intense, the days I show historical films are well attended.  Why?  Somewhere in the students heads is the spark of Liberation.

This spark then erupts into Power.

People who know they are of the image and blood of Power, act like it.  People who study people who look like themselves see that even if they only suspected it before, they have value, they have agency, they may in fact have more Power than they ever surmised.

So you throw back at me, that maybe this all makes sense.  I've outlined the points well, I've even shown it with a good example but what is the usefulness of this?  I'm a pragmatist so I'm always looking to define, if not, then get to the point of a supposition or at least t's application.


Imagine if men (and women) of color who were raised with education for people of color is valuable and possible for them all?

 I have a student whose mind was blown when we went over maps and outlines of the tribes including the Taino people from the Caribbean throughout South America. His first question to me was---"Is this really true?"
Suddenly, he who could trace back his family to the Caribbean, could trace back his skin hundreds of years.  I make sure I teach about Anacoana, Taíno cacica, sister of Bohechío, chief of Jaragua, and wife of Caonabo (chief of the nearby territory of Maguana) a cacique (nation state on the isle that would become Haiti/Dominican Republic) who first encountered the raiding party of Christopher Columbus and demanded unification from the neighboring caciques to oust them.   She sensed the danger they would come to plague the isle with and opted for a preemptive strike.  It's very hard to simply be a nigger this and a nigger that when you know you are the blood of sovereign royalty on Western shores; that most importantly your people were not an easy kill.

Imagine MSM who learn this about themselves, having teachers who hand them materials---not simply speak it to them---but give them the book to go and read and study and keep and tear apart and digest, themselves.  Why is it so important for the Liberated to be able to take the Ideology they're told is useful to adapt and adopt and dissect it?  Because human beings, like churches or political movements or even terrorist cells, can simply tell you what they need you to believe for you to give them your body, your time, your resources but withhold the totality of an idea.

That is the very definition of a cult.

When a teacher wants someone, even an adult to be liberated, they treat them like an equal and give them unlimited access to the text, the history, the ideology so that there is no possibility of over-identification to the leader.  Narcissism is censored by the dispersal of knowledge and wisdom and evolution.  And we know the history of leaders, white, brown, yellow and red who thought that the people should kneel before them, that their being and sterling intellect and insights was to be recognized as the Power.

Imagine now MSM who have had no racial Ideology nor Liberation taught about themselves or their manhood or sexuality?  They will never achieve Power.  Now look around at the groups and agencies that exist to service MSM of color and you have a new lens to evaluate which ones want men of Power present and which want a head count to get some more CDC money, another donor check, perhaps even your own cash as a membership fee.

Imagine yourself empowered.  Knowing a thousand years, two thousand years of your history, shaping your own personal Ideology.  Maybe even having a genealogical timeline done on your blood.  Then you can decide what to do, how to activate this Liberation and that is when you will truly be Powerful.


Thank you,
Kyle Phoenix
kylephoenixshow@aol.com
http://kylephoenixsite.com/
Thanks and enjoy! Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Time Warner Cable, Verizon Fios or Comcast or the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/

VideoLOG: Questions for Gay Men About Their Past

Thank you,

Kyle Phoenix

kylephoenixshow@aol.com

http://kylephoenixsite.com/

Thanks and enjoy! You can Like Us on Face Book or Follow Us on Twitter!  Don't forget to watch The Kyle Phoenix Show on Channel 56 (Time Warner), 83 (RCN), 34 (Verizon) and the Thursday/Friday 12am/midnight simulcast on http://kylephoenixsite.com/