I ignored taking responsibility for every aspect of my life, including who I let in. There were a couple of Prince Charming's cleverly disguised as jerks that I thought were what I was worth, suppose to love, soul mates. When I stopped ignoring that I'd been trained as a child to put up with and expect certain negative, dangerous, sociopathic and narcissistic behaviors from accomplished dysfunctional love mentors, first there was a desert of alone time....no prospects where i railed about how much I'd been victimized, how I'd been hurt, how beyond all lotto odds, i was amazingly innocent of any crimes in the psychodramas that i was an above the title star then they steadily got better......when I got honest in person, online, sitting alone in the tub, on dates, in therapy, with friends, in front of workshops, on tv, to a couple of them that I had full and well earned my co-Academy Award for Red Flag Relationship Failure with Martyr Overtones.
The dead daddy drainer in college who I sat at his pity party and then watched as he exploded over my life because I wouldn't fuck him. I wouldn't fuck him because he kept playing the dead daddy dirge.
The hypercritical neurotic. I have literally sworn off an entire Zodiac sign because he was born on the cusp. He ruined a mythical personality astrology predictor. He also was in the closet and estranged from his mother.
The third was another closet case. A trifecta! Having emotional abusive parents in common with the others.
Two women with daddy issues. Who were supportive but secretly undermining.
I spent my twenties trying to fix my childhood through other people. Retrain myself, my parents, them. Until I learned how I was cruel to them.
I spent my twenties trying to fix my childhood through other people. Retrain myself, my parents, them. Until I learned how I was cruel to them.
I never, with love, told them what assholes they were and why. I never helped them to correct their foolishness with honesty, instead, I selfishly listened, used them and their issues to seem interested, caring, involved.
I never told them that not only was I completely adverse to relationships with them and all the ambiguity but I was often dating others, honestly, without ambiguity and having bombtastic sex. Instead I lead them on to believe that they had control of me. I played the perfect foil. And instead of breaking up with them, the miasma friendship-therapy-relationship, I love bombed them.
I used my eidetic memory to inundate them subtly and overtly with all they hoped and dreamt of in a lover, using desire and guilt at their manipulation to out mindfuck them. Rather than confront in honesty, I treated their savagery as a game, a one upsmanship. I became Hannibal Lector to their John Doe from Se7en.
I used my eidetic memory to inundate them subtly and overtly with all they hoped and dreamt of in a lover, using desire and guilt at their manipulation to out mindfuck them. Rather than confront in honesty, I treated their savagery as a game, a one upsmanship. I became Hannibal Lector to their John Doe from Se7en.
I left them not with a psychic healing but deeper wounds. I denied it to them in exchange for revenge. I ignored the red flags of victimhood, narcissism, codependency and took a dark glory in beating them at their own game.
One asked me why I had done it and I told him because I could.
One asked me why I had done it and I told him because I could.
Another I refused sex with but fucked his friends and bested him in classes.
Another I withheld the truth of my writing, having been published for years around the world, of my art, my self so that he never quite saw me but sensed more to me....as he exposed himself more and more.
I threw another out not for his transgression but for a slip of the tongue.
I played viciously with wounded souls.
I offered the vampires my pulsating jugular, full of acid.
The red flag I've learned to watch out for are the destructive personalities, the callous ones because my irresponsible thirst for vengeance likes monsters as food.
I played viciously with wounded souls.
I offered the vampires my pulsating jugular, full of acid.
The red flag I've learned to watch out for are the destructive personalities, the callous ones because my irresponsible thirst for vengeance likes monsters as food.
Now I flat tell the truth.
I dont sugarcoat.
I dont pretend.
I dont sugarcoat.
I dont pretend.
It's liberating to be vulnerable with my talons fleaming in the sunlight. No more passive aggressive seeking of victimizers to punish.
I take 100% responsibility for my desires and truth now. No matter the loss or shock. I no longer play invisible.
I take 100% responsibility for my desires and truth now. No matter the loss or shock. I no longer play invisible.
Amazingly enough I seem to be the only one to make it out of that other Star Trek Mirror universe called Victim Martyr populated by the billions of innocents who don't know they too are Red Flagged by sometimes the very people they piously Red Flag.
Smile, Kyle
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
KylePhoenixShow@Gmail.com
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