This sounds counter stereotype but I’ve found in almost two decades of workshops with non heterosexual men that about 60% are uncomfortable, inhibited.
The first of the big culprits in this is porn. It teaches a fairly rote sexual waltz. You do this, I do that, I respond, you respond, ejaculation.
The second culprit is society itself. When no hetero men grow up they’re often ostracized for anything that hints at less masculinity so they repress or don’t express these interests and desires. By expressing them we get feedback and learn what works and doesn’t work for others and ourselves.’
The third largest culprit are gay/non hetero men themselves. Not so much of the blind leading the blind as the blind creating the blind and not understanding nuances, intimacies and differences. many men assume because they are with a physical match male that everyone will get off the same way. so he proceeds to do to his partner what gets him off—-too rough, too fast, too long, too short, too much, too contrary. Here’s an intimacy mirroring tip: what a man does to you, he has a greater chance of preferring so pay attention and try that out. But don’t assume what you like is what he likes. Not every man loves oral sex much to the societal shock.
How do you actively become, train, learn to be a better lover, more in touch with yourself and your body?
Dance. Men who enjoy dancing, publicly, are on average, to a mark, better lovers. Now he might do something stupid because dancing doesn’t raise emotional intelligence but a man comfortable with moving his body, with others seeing it is less inhibited about his body. I personally, won’t date men who don’t dance, it promises a bad lover who does the Porn123 template.
Exercise. Not necessarily weight lifting but more aerobic. Jogging, running, yoga. Exercise that is about body movement, stretching, touching. To learn you can take long walks and pay attention to what you wear each time, what feels better, more comfortable, walk until your body is loose, maybe even a little sore.
Touch Meditation. For years in workshops I’ve done a Touch Meditation which involves lightly tracing my hands along a man’s body. His eyes closed. I apply gentle pressure to parts of his body, up and down, up and down. Then I ask him when he’s relaxed what part of his body is he the most self conscious about. This is generally where muscles are the tightness or he feels embarrassed about. Then I place my hand there. And we start doing some directed breathing exercises. Five count breath intakes, hold for a count of five, release to a count of five. We do this for about a half an hour. Couple with the next exercise it relaxes a tense body.
Ridding Meditation. I generally start workshops with a fifteen minute meditation where we turn down the lights, breathe and relax in a seated position from head to toe. I call out shifting awareness from head to forehead to eyes to ears and so on down through the chest stomach, groin knees, toes. The point is to become aware of one’s entire body. Then we rid any negative feelings, seeing it in our minds eye seeping out of our toes back into the ground. If possible I have the room in low candlelight and I play low, calming jazz music. I started doing this in workshops, especially the ones on relationships and sexuality because it brought up so much energy in people, anger, fear, sexuality, that I needed a group of 30 men to be near the same wavelength so as not to rattle each other. It also creates an intimate energy.
Naked Time. Spend more time naked. Sleeping, eating, dancing around your place alone. Check out your body in mirrors. Appreciate it. Stop insulting it. Instead applaud it for bringing you this far. Then if you like or need to make conscious decisions to eating maybe two more salads a week because you want to lose some weight, then over time increase your goals. But most importantly don’t assault your body with judgment and demands.
Groups, Outings, Parties…Naked. There are nude beaches, orgies, sex parties, etc. . I encourage participants to engage in these places. It’s probably easiest to find a sex party and a nude beach. But don’t have sex. Learn to be within the sexual energy bubble but not have to raise the level. A beach is probably the lowest level, a nudist party a little higher and group sex place or orgy more so. If you can, go to a sex party and don’t participate for the first hour. Simply move around being naked, observing the naked. Your goal is to become comfortable simply being yourself and observe others being themselves.
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