Thursday, March 8, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers: How many people have you slept with? Do you think your number is too high or too low?

Teaching sex and sexuality workshops this either comes up directly or in my own personal musings when designing books or curriculum.
But then I get all technical.
  1. Penetrative Sex?
  2. Simply oral sex?
  3. Feel up/oral sex?
  4. Frottage?
  5. Do you count orgies by gross or by individuals? Threesomes? Foursomes? Moresomes?
  6. Then you have to start the subdivisions of male, female, transgenders, transsexuals, etc..
Then I had to look at phases in my life.
11 to 19, wasn’t as active as I would’ve expected. I lost my virginity, tried several things but stayed at under 10.
Something happened at 21. I was working full time, has disposable cash, could go to nightclubs and several of the nightclubs had make out, sex rooms (I’m talking about you Lime Lite!) So you go to a club, dance, make out/have sexual contact in the VIP Make Out Sex Room then go dance some more. Several nights a week. Then I got all invested in trying things out—-NYC is one of the best places to try things out—-and I didn’t drink until I was 25 and I’ve never done drugs so I’ve been able to be, try or refuse lots of things without consequence or blackouts or craziness. I was like a Sex Colombo for about 2 years.
Then I got to SUNY Buffalo and it was a bit of a dry spell, people thought I was doing way more than I was but it really was only maybe a dozen or so, maybe 25 in 5 years. I think it had a lot to do with having done so much previously and then going somewhere that there were young people yes and nubile bodies but lack of experience. I arrived a sexual Obi Wan Kenobi and all these wanna be Jedis dancing around me. About half of my sexualized relationships weren't students, adults from off campus and I was also very circumspect and private so I never had too many obvious relationships that everyone knew about.
25 to 30 was again back in NYC (and briefly Philadelphia) and the numbers doubled maybe. More opportunity, more experienced people, more money, more access. I also felt I hadn’t learned to date enough in middle and high school, maybe only a handful, so I embarked on this internet project of 100 dates in a year. Not all of them became sexual but I did learn how to date.
Now 30 on I blame work. I started volunteering/working for non profits that focused on sexuality for about 7 years and though I had boundaries in my work space, I only had two dates to a dinners that I was dating outside and never brought him and her back to work events, I think the charge of sexual energy daily translated to me at night. Then I had my own 2 bedroom in Manhattan. Then a nightclub owner was super friendly to me, my group, gave us passes so I took the youth over 21 then went myself then would go on loungey nights (Tues-Thurs) it was a short few blocks from my place and sit at the bar, 2 for 1 drinks—-$5! and write books, novels, manuscripts and the strippers would gyrate, st=lap over my notebook, I’d give them a fiver and slap a booty. A pleasant productive night for $10! I met more and more people at that club and online and my apartment became a nice sexual space for about 3–6 years. I was able to teach about sex and then practice what I taught with a whole different cohort.
I noticed on here a lot of people went anonymous which I find kinda funny and kinda sad. It’s just sex. But peope and their religions and their parents and such have such hang ups about sex. I wasn’t raised that way. In fact my parents and stepfathers had such direct, honest discussions about sex and drugs and life with me that I’m the conservative one by comparative estimates.
I would say that if I had to do a count, and I remmeber doing one abotu a decade ago and then building in all the factors of the list 1–6. All of the encounters being safe sex or the action itself obviating safe sex risk. (No I’m not going to graphically explain that, work it out yourself.) I’m no Wilt Chamberlain, but I’m no shrinking violet either.
I would say definitely over 200, under 300ish. I’ve answered ALL of my questions, I don’t think I have any fantasies really. Been there done that. I’ve been able to write dozens of books on sexuality and teach thousands of classes because of it and ask lots of questions dressed and undressed of lots of sexes, genders, sexualities. But I would again add it’s all been safe sex and I’ve never broken agreements of monogamy. If it’s duo monogamous situation I generally negotiate that we should invite the other or tell the other if that state changes, I’ve never broken that agreement.
(But one must then calculate in groups and if you’ve touched a pit, you can’t acquit even if you never got to whether a glove would fit.)
While my number may seem high, I would submit: How many hours of TV have you watched? I don’t watch TV. So if the American average is 4 hours a day, times 365, say roughly 1200 hours a year, times 20 years, 24,000 hours. Think about all the series you’ve seen every episode of, movies, sports events. Think of all the simulated murders, rapes, violence, misogyny.
I’ve spent about 15,000 hours over those 300ish being intimate, in pleasure, being present and enjoying ourselves, seeking to give joy and receive it, with other human beings, not staring at a screen….where other people are pretending.
The direct benefit? I’m far less judgmental of people and their relationships or their sexuality. I personally believe your crotch is your business and mine. I have no “beliefs” or rules about what people should and shouldn’t do.
I believe in everything, religions wise, but I ascribe to no religion. I think of them all like cable channels…but I know it’s all just TV, a curated, projection of reality but not the reality itself.
I’m more accepting of people’s differences in general. Barring violence or coercion, I’m not on any bandwagons of political hate or upset or social justice blindness or unaware of my inherently imbued racism and sexism and classism that I work diligently to supersede or correct because I do it and think it a thousand ways every day, my goal is to correct it 1001.
I’m very comfortable with myself. I like myself. My body. Even when I could stand to lose a few pounds. And I don’t judge other’s bodies in the same ways. Yes, I have preferences and things I find more or less attractive but that which I don’t favor, I don’t ridicule or eschew as valid under the Sunship. No fats, no fems is indicative of the church of the poisoned mind to me.
I love people. I have learned how to in a short period of time be vulnerable whether clothed or not, in front of a group or not. be vulnerable. A lot of the anonymous I’ve had sex with 4 people posts? Can’t be vulnerable to the world because of_______________ fill in the blank.
A lot less tension and a lot more sexual offers, relationship offers, dating offers. I’ve achieved EricssonMalcolm Gladwell Outliers Mastery!!!!!!!!

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