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Thursday, March 1, 2018

Kyle Phoenix Answers: For gay men who say you're a top only, would you ever let your versatile boyfriend top you, as he has needs you're not fulfilling?



It depends. I think it depends heavily on the length of the relationship. If it’s an affair, people tend to stick to their positioning, with that person. I say that specifically correlating it to HIV infection data. Over 85% of infected men got it from being penetrated during sex but all of them didn’t identify to themselves or partners as bottoms, though the majority were.


What that gobbledygook means. Men are tops to a bottom.
Gabriel tops Rob. They’re dating for six months. It’s fun, but it’s not love.
Gabriel has never bottomed, it seems like all of his partners have enjoyed it but he can’t see Rob, for a number of reasons topping him.

Gabriel finds Carl, a top, to top him.
If you think of Tops and Bottoms as more biologically testosterone and estrogen, Alphas and Betas, not by hierarchical raking but by biological characteristics—body mass, movement, hair growth, etc.—Gabriel, an Alpha, 15% of all men, but perhaps not a uber Alpha needs to find one an Alpha a smidge more Alpha than him to emotionally, psychically “submit” to. Rob is clearly a Beta and doesn’t possess the requisite “energy” that Gabriel could allow himself to be enjoyably penetrated by. By submit and energy I think we’re talking about emotional constructs of masculinity, manhood, desirability, love, etc. that we all attribute to partners.
Who makes you feel safe, who do you know would physically protect you, who would emotionally care for you, who cooks for you, who is funny, who is smart, etc. all of that is wrapped up into who we experiment or regularly have sex with. Gay men just tend to narrow it down in language to masculine and feminine. These attributes shift and overlap but men tend to be clear about identifying who they see as possessing their definitions of such attitudes and attributes.
Gabriel sees Car as more Alpha, Alpha enough therefore to top him. Rob sees Gabriel and Carl as equally Alpha tops but as a Beta he may not see the necessary differentiation that Gabriel does to option for Carl instead of Rob.
Rob starts seriously dating Raheem, another top.
Raheem has topped mainly because he’s 6′6, 275lbs and is both hairy and has a deep voice. He hadn’t given it any really deep thought about decision until Rob, in their long term committed relationship says he’s been versatile but tends to end up in short terms with tops. Raheem is like, you wanna try topping me? Rob says yes, even though he’s 5′10 and 175lbs. They have a great time and every third or fourth time they switch hit.
Raheem can physically be an Alpha but emotional be a Beta.
Rob can physically be a Beta but emotionally be an Alpha.
Gabriel was physically an Alpha and emotionally an Alpha.
Alphas who bottom tend to do it one for the physical, sexual experience and two as an accommodation to a partner but not as a standard sexual practice.
Versatility is the best to be because it literally insures you’l be in and find a happy relationship because more sexual variants can be met.
Betas may top from necessity or experimentation or what we call in workshops Birthday & Christmas Tops, special occasions.
The most interesting thing I’ve foudn about all of this is how the individual sees themselves, men, and themselves sexually. Some men simply can’t construct themselves being penetrated as they go on to penetrate dozens of men and vice versa. Some always knew and some change with age (less testosterone production) or technology (Viagra!). I write about this an more in my book Pleasuring Tops, Bottoms and Versatiles and most importantly how to switch hit or deeper enjoy your position or another one and I teach workshops incorporating Keith Swain’s Alpha/Beta survey of 2000 men and questionnaire to determine biological and emotional mating style in Dynamic Duos.


Kyle Phoenix 
Systems Integrationist, writer, teacher, entrepreneur
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