Kyle Phoenix Answers: What do gay guys enjoy most about bottoming?
When I teach workshops, particularlyPleasuring Tops Bottoms and Versatileswhich I then turned into a book, I do an in depth exploration of the male body and genitalia. Most men don’t know their bodies. women tend to know themselves better due to menstruation and pregnancy.
The pleasure in bottoming is multifaceted.
One, there is the penetration of the exterior and interior sphincter muscles. Outer voluntary control, inner, less so and requires practice.
Two, the feeling of the muscles being expanded and then recontracting onto (for our discussion) a penis. Like a two system cave door opening, one easily, the second with patience, breathing, lube and time, and then both firmly seizing onto the penis and then the friction of the penis against those muscle groups, back and forth, through insertion and withdrawal. Fucking.
Third, the feeling of fullness. Bottoms enjoy the feeling of being filled with a penis. The rectal canal is about 506 inches in length before you reach the beginning of the colon. The major nerve endings are about 1 to 2 inches in, mainly around the Interior muscles. But again the friction, the sense of filling—-similar to a sense of having to take a bowel movement and the pressing of the penis against the anal walls is pleasurable.
Fourth, the all important prostate muscle which is where, whether you are topping or bottoming, a lot of sexual pleasure comes from. Incidentally we as men often experience this after a complete and satisfying bowel movement because you have pressed feces against the prostate, which is highly sensitive, and through the sphincter muscles—-almost penetration in reverse.
Fifth, again the prostate not just to pressure but to touch is extremely sensitive to the frictive rubbing of fingers, a penis, a dildo against it. However if you’re bottoming, it’s difficult to masturbating at the same time that you’re being penetrated (porno gets this wrong) because the pressure against you prostate tends to make your muscles and blood flow contract so it becomes harder to stay erect and refocus blood attention to pass through the four stages of an erection to ejaculation.
Sixth, during analingus, rimming, oral sex upon the anus, as far as possible into the sphincters and along the taint or scrotum/scrotal area this is a form of external stimulation to the prostate. So during penetrative sex the weight of pressure of another man’s body can be actually pressing the prostate from the outside and rubbing it, taping it from the inside. This is a specific exercise I teach called “Beating the Drum” because it requires specific techniques and graphic pictures that I can’t display here.
Seventh, pheromones. Men who are sexually attracted to men are also vibing off of his pheromones, which is why some men are attracted to some gay men and not others. Most Alphas (tops) dislike heavy colognes and perfumes because they’re literally trying to scent arouse from a Betas natural, clean soapy smell. Alphas compare it to Ivory soap. Betas on the other hand like the natural scent that a man may give off while exercising, perspiration—-which is where you get the stereotypical perceptions of Betas towards men because Betas are 85% of gay men, Alphas 15%—-majority voices have created an overall perception that isn’t always true for all. So bottom is smelling, tasting, being covered in the sweat and therefore scent of a man he finds attractive and this heightens his sex response as well as oxytocin release, the love hormone. Betas have sex to have fun and fall in love. Alphas fuck or in love, with longer periods of deliberate, choosy celibacy because of their production and reaction to pheromones and oxytocin.
Eighth, semen and sperm. A friend and I, he was a scientist, Michael J. Foster, one of the most brilliant young Black men I’ve ever known in my lifetime, who sadly died at 33, had a double Masters like me. We were embarking on a study of male sexuality in relationship to male fluids because in workshops so many men expressed an interest, obsession, almost fanatical attachment to their own and others. We then took it to the theory stage, linking back to the Seventh reason of pheromones. But more concentrated in sperm and semen.
So we talked to some men who were willing to do three things:
shower, masturbate then go out on dates or to nightclubs that included dancing;
don’t shower but masturbate and then go out on a date or to a nightclub;
shower and masturbate, however capture the semen and sperm, put it into a vial and lightly apply to you groin area, behind your knees, your arm pits, your neck and above your lip—-all of the pheromone producing areas where humans get “information” on other humans—-then go out on your date/nightclub.
What we found were if they followed the three regimens thoughtfully, the semen one attracted more men to them spontaneously. They became “more” attractive. The working theory was, exactly why I advise men in my relationship workshops not to go to nightclubs searching for men for a relationship or with dates—-there is an overabundance of pheromones, male scent in the air to compete with, you’re getting lost in the sauce. But most men don’t apply semen directly to their high productive areas so those test guys that did broadcast a stronger scent. Particularly you guessed it, they attracted more betas. Betas have greater olfactory sensitivity than Alphas (as do women) so Betas are searching and sexually responding to Alpha physical cues/dimensions and scents.
The scenting itself helps Betas to relax, feel safe, which goes all the way back to the sphincter muscles, making it easier to relax and receive a penis without fear, apprehension or physical tensing. By being able to relax by what feels naturally, endorphins are released faster for Betas than Alphas bottoming so there is discomfort but not pain that Alphas initially report. It takes Alphas longer to physically relax, produce endorphins, from just penetration.
Ninth, practice makes perfect. Betas/bottoms tend to have more sex than Alphas on the average. By practicing bottoming more one becomes accustomed to penetration from the external and not just feces penetration from the internal. Bottoms develop a better two way street mentality about their anus so they get a better sense of their body. By having a better sense of their body they can relax the Interior sphincter muscles as voluntarily as we all do the Exterior. Being able to do that by thought reduces discomfort.
Lastly, tenth, the assumption, possession of a man and his energy. Tops are partially getting off on the dominance, the penetration of a man, the allowance of part of his body to penetrate, invade, force it’s way into another’s form. Which generally doesn’t happen much in human interaction. A Bottom though is getting off on being that target. Taking a man in, absorbing him, being a receptacle for that Yang energy. The Tao teaches that same sex male partners are Yin and Yang. Yin, receptive. That what the Yin partner is doing is receiving masculine, Yang energy, and circulating it through touch, kiss, holding, and care taking in sex and later of the Yang, top/Alpha. I teach in workshops how important it is to allow the last, care taking to occur. Cuddling, being nice to, talking, that’s the Beta way of first receiving the energy from penetration and then recirculating it through intimacy and caring. No, it doesn’t have to be love but Tops/Alphas tend to fuck and bounce, not giving Betas a proper chance to redistribute the energy or for an Alpha to enjoy the doting, the literal femininity of the energy because they wrongly associate femininity to gender and sex or as emasculation. So an Alpha or penetrating Beta eschews the non-masculine reciprocation that a beta is doing. Without women who are more comfortable and socially encouraged to perform with feminine Yin energy, men Alphas and Betas miss out—-which is why gay relations can see so shallow and disconnected and perfunctory.
When allowed to reciprocate Betas also don’t end up what we term in my workshops as “Hysterical Bottoms”—-teeming with Yang energy from having been an energetic dump and therefore presenting as catty, mercurial, mad, sad, depressed, confused, capricious, etc.. Happy Bottoms are fucked well and with attention to their safety and pleasure and then allowed to be intimate back to tops for a cooling down period of time even if it’s a one night stand. All that energy has to gently settle and re-balance within the Beta and the solidity of the Alpha’s presence allows this.
Yeah, it gets deep in my workshops. tears, wails, lots of Aha! moments, anger, fear.
But as an aside that I’ve thought about deeply in years of leading workshops about my own Alphaness, it allows me to be a solid, calm presence in the workshops and not intimidated by other Alphas nor emotionally challenged or competitive with Betas. I do a lot of emotional work and pay attention to my own life, sex life, experiences, feelings in sexualized situations but most importantly, I articulate them in my books and TV shows, which most men who have sex with men don’t do or aren’t aware of.